DAY 365+76

this place

So here I am again, in this same place , after a busy, exhausting and stormy week 

Here I am, alone, trying to clear my mind and bring back some peace to my heart, to soften the ridges of my thoughts that are revolving the same issues, trying to calm down my anger, to let go my disappointments... and to recover serenity

Here I am, alone, in this same place metaphorically (and literally) speaking

Here I am, alone, in this place of inner bewilderment. I would have said -just a week ago- that I am too old already to feel perplex, maybe not too old to feel wounded, but too old to feel puzzled. I would have said that nothing about human behavior could take me by surprise after all the things I have lived myself, after all the things I have read and listened. Oh, how naive!. Indeed, after a week of meetings with my co-workers aimed at arrange next academic course, I am totally amazed (and believe me, not in the best sense of the word) 

I am also annoyed and a bit distressed. This is not so strange; those meetings usually have that effect on my mood. But this huge astonishment is new, maybe because we have reached new (and unbelievable) levels of verbal and psychological aggression

Here I am, trying to find out the reasons why we have reached that point. Trying to persuade myself to keep the faith in what I do (in teaching) regardless those battles... but is not easy

Here I am, alone, in this place of self-purification. Trying to cleanse my soul, trying to purge the ire, to filter the waste of acrimony that past week has left inside me. Here I am, in this place of self-acknowledgement. Trying to pull out by the roots the "should" and the "could", even when a little voice inside me is wondering how I am going to survive and keep my professional dignity without them

Here I am, alone, in this place of self-confession. Trying to figure out how I am going to deal with these new evidences of indifference and where is the subtle distinction between acceptance and becoming myself an indifferent person

Here I am, inhaling peace, exhaling sadness; inhaling hope, exhaling failed expectations; inhaling clarity, exhaling frustration

Finally, answers come: 

If you are not doing (or experiencing) what you want, then learn to want what you´re doing (or experiencing) and all the things this involves, except when by trying this your essence ends up damaged, when this causes your soul pain. You don´t need to want what breaks your wings and ruins your gifts. You don´t need to want what scares away your bliss

Loving what is really means get real about life and yourself, means learning the lessons and trying to get ahead if necessary, it doesn´t mean delighting in suffering or coming to a standstill because of your (often justified) expectations. You must let the world and people be as they are and act accordingly 

I inhale and exhale once more time

Maybe is time to turn this page. Maybe is time to move on. Again