DAY 569

in {and out} Week 8: Small

Right now, I cannot imagine anything better than being me. When I found out the germ of this idea going round in my head I felt very confused. I had been considering myself a work in progress for so long that I couldn´t understand why suddenly I was flirting with that kind of thoughts.

I was not sure at all about what could it mean, so I contemplated many possible explanations: ego, fear, resistance, negation… you name it, all of them aimed at keeping my perception of who I was: someone who should be improved, but, to tell you the truth, no one worked. Every time I explored one of them, a voice whispered “no, no, no” inside me.

This way, that odd conception started to turn into a conviction that I couldn´t ignore. I tried hard to keep myself from noticing it but it prevailed, and I had to accept the fact that I was starting to feel at ease with the person I was. As soon I permitted this sentiment to grow stronger I realized that I was getting rid of my inner emphasis on “self-improvement” that was simply exhausting. And also, that maybe that´s how a real self-esteem should look like.

I still have fears and doubts and room for enhancement and even the need to fight against the same old things and flaws in my character. I still am prone to perfectionism and to anger. I still feel that there are many things in this planet to grieve about. And more times than I would like to admit, I can´t find an ounce of compassion in my heart. But I have come to understand that all this and all the good that I find in me, belong to the same reality.

I don´t ought to be a never-ending battlefield in order to be able to appreciate myself. And this doesn´t make me more arrogant, conceited or vain, only more self-confident in a very particular way.

I know I am a single, small individual amidst the magnitude of world´s problems, global challenges, my own yearnings and the mysteries of the universe.

I know I am just a single, small piece of the complex puzzle of this moment in human history.

I know I am just a single, small soul looking for her path, trying to know how to live a life on purpose while dealing with the vast meaning of this existence.

I know I am just a single, small ship adrift in the huge flood of time...

And even so, I know I am enough.

Even so, I know I count and act accordingly.

I know I count and act accordingly

This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We´ll share a photo every week during 2015. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 


windrock studio said...

I love that you use the word enhancement, we can all use some of that, but I think basically we're all just trying to do the best we can in a pretty crazy world.
And I sure love this image!

Optimistic Existentialist said...

Your posts always give me such moments of clarity - thank you :)

Aga Gasiniak said...

Oh, Zena, you are enough and you are beautiful! Much love to you!

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