|sweet and slow|
When I started this personal -and spiritual- journey, I was secretly aspiring to excellence. I wanted to achieve goals and conquer calm, serenity and balance without delay (of course!). I judged myself harshly when I thought I was not being good enough. My relapses, or so I called them, made me feel angry and I couldn´t stand those persons that after only a little work started to consider themselves illuminated. I detested shoddy practices and triviality and vanity. I felt that I was doing a good work but nobody seemed to appreciate it… the story of my life!
Probably I was making something good (maybe my mantras and my prayers and my meditations which usually took me off of that vicious circle) because, little by little, I started to understand that I was acting regarding my inner work exactly the same way that I had always acted regarding the rest of my life.
When that became clear, I totally changed the way I was approaching it. It started to be something very relaxed. Something that I was doing because of myself, and not in order to look for others approval. Something that shouldn´t be planned or justified or evaluated… that could change and even be spontaneous and unpredictable.
I started to appreciate my own process and the guidance that was appearing in my life, coming in all forms. I kept on being rigid and a great controller in many aspects and spaces but when I was developing my inner work I created room for intuition and creativity, I permitted myself to go with the flow and to explore without being afraid of failing and –last but not least- to be much more benevolent to myself.
This way my perfectionism, my pride, my need to be always right that before gave me no respite, started to soften. I learnt how to bow down to my story, to my pain, to my destiny, to my weaknesses and my greatness and I started to move forward.
I accepted what came to meet me. I accepted help and realized that other way to approach life was emerging. A way that called for kindness and consciousness and mindfulness… that was not fast, hurtful or arrogant; A way that was (still is) sweet and slow.
Now my days are more peaceful than ever. My mood is more joyful. And what started being just a personal practice has ended being a way of living. Through the change of my attitude, my whole existence has changed.
Now I trust my life and know that wherever it leads me, it´s the place where I supposed to be.