DAY 536

Trying to be myself even despite myself

And them everything seems to be here again. There i always a triggering factor of course, and the memories come to life again. How things evolved that way, you ask to yourself. What if this or that would have never happened, you wonder. Why me? the never-ending question.

And you think and think and think trying to find a convincing explanation. But you already know all the possible theories, all the causes and circumstances and this time they don´t help. You revisit the tale of your self- construction and you don´t find a reason why these questions keep harassing you. Maybe I am skipping something, you think to yourself.

And while checking your emotional mood you find that there is not perplexity or incredulity. There is not anger, either, not anymore. There is not pain or sorrow. There is just a big, big, hole and a tremendous grief, a huge despair, seem to be at skin level and pervading everyday life.

And it becomes dull and plain and all the charm flies away. And this only increases the grief and the despair and the (old yet new) vicious circle starts. Again and again and all over again.

But one day you start to consider a crazy hypothesis: Maybe there is not a new explanation to find. Maybe there are not more reasons why things occurred. Maybe you don´t have to investigate more. Maybe that is all. And the hole is here to stay. And the grief and despair are not meant to make you feel you´re falling apart, maybe they are the healthy response to the past. Maybe you don´t have to feel vibrant every single day. Maybe acceptance means as well to live with this and don´t judge the universe or your own process. Maybe you can permit yourself to mourn from time to time. Maybe this is your way to close stages. Maybe this is a new turning point. Maybe you should remove tags. Maybe all is well.

So many options and so little energy to value them all!!. But something in your energy field changes and your soul emits a tiny eureka!

And then you decide to give them a try. And the spin of your mind stops. And charm is back. And joy flaps its wings inside you.

And hope smiles.


Jeanne said...

This really resonates with me. love it and have read it several times.

Aga Gasiniak said...

very interesting photograph and beautiful lesson of acceptance, trust and letting go. I have been in that hole not only once :)
Hope you are well. Much love to you!

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