|about seasons and senses|
Month after month, doubts have been fading away like leaves along the autumn. One after another, preconceived ideas about how I should be feeling, living or behaving have left me.
They are still here but are not harmful anymore.They are resting at my feet. I can see them, I can recognize them, but I cannot feel them as part of me, not anymore. They are indeed, like leaves fallen down. They are still appealing and have a certain beauty but I l know that sooner or later the wind will sweep them away.
I often discover myself thinking: I used to believe this or that; I used to think that I never would be good enough; I used to be concerned by others opinion... and feel a sense of detachment
From time to time, a still hanging leaf shakes a bit the calmed pond of my mind. What if...? - I wonder- but before the thought is completed I see it´s just that: a simple thought without a real identity. If it persists I welcome it and explore possibilities. I see my self embracing one option after another. This will cause me anguish -I say to myself- pain or anger... and I embrace those emotions too and let them go.
As this process has become deeper I have felt some unease with the peace and the austerity. I feel cautious, restrained, reticent... but as the winter has gone over I have found out that all this brings a new sense of order, of simplicity, of freedom.
I have no changed that much. I still am a bit perfectionist and afraid of being wrong and all the others things I know well I am. But now, I don´t let those things define myself. Here is the perfectionism -I say- here is my anger, here is the need to be approved. I honor them (some way or another, they have brought me here), flow with them, let them go... and return to calm just to find out that I can be without them.
I return to my bare, raw, soul and keep the practice.
However, as spring is arriving I am feeling a new energy goin up my legs, a new sap. That is making me feel passionate, awake, empowered. It´s a kind of rebirth, a sense of blooming. I try not to hold on to this, either... and even when I am tempted to keep it, I feel the joy and let it go.
I guess if this what they mean when talk about staying synchronized with natural cycles, but I am thrilled by the endless possibilities of summer.