29.3.14

DAY 517

about seasons and senses

Month after month, doubts have been fading away like leaves along the autumn. One after another, preconceived ideas about how I should be feeling, living or behaving have left me.

They are still here but are not harmful anymore.They are resting at my feet. I can see them, I can recognize them, but I cannot feel them as part of me, not anymore.  They are indeed, like leaves fallen down. They are still appealing and have a certain beauty  but I l know that sooner or later the wind will sweep them away.

I often discover myself thinking: I used to believe  this or that; I used to think that I never would be good enough; I used to be concerned by others opinion... and feel a sense of detachment

From time to time, a still hanging leaf shakes a bit the calmed pond of my mind. What if...? - I wonder-  but before the thought is completed I see it´s just that: a simple thought without a real identity. If it persists I welcome it and explore possibilities. I see my self embracing one option after another. This will cause me anguish -I say to myself- pain or anger... and I embrace those emotions too and let them go.

As this process has become deeper I have felt some unease with the peace and  the austerity. I feel cautious, restrained, reticent... but as the winter has gone over I have found out that all this brings a new sense of order, of simplicity, of freedom.

I have no changed that much.  I still am a bit perfectionist and afraid of being wrong and all the others things I know well I am.  But now,  I don´t let those things define myself. Here is the perfectionism -I say- here is my angerhere is the need to be approved. I honor them (some way or another, they have brought me here), flow with them, let them go... and return to calm just to find out that I can be without them.

I return to my bare, raw, soul and keep the practice.

However, as spring is arriving I am feeling a new energy goin up my legs, a new sap. That is making me feel passionate, awake, empowered. It´s a kind of rebirth, a sense of blooming. I try not to hold on to this, either... and even when I am tempted to keep it, 
I feel the joy and let it go.


I guess if this what they mean when talk about staying synchronized with natural cycles, but I am thrilled by the endless possibilities of summer.

3 comments:

Kimberley McGill said...

Loved this post! And the photo is gorgeous!

Aga Gasiniak said...

Beautiful photograph, Zena and beautiful changes in you! Happy spring to you and much love!!!

Katherine Jeanne Wood said...

Beautiful writing and photo. Happy spring to you!

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