DAY 365+95

Why don´t dream of it all? (playing with reveries)

 have started a self-portrait journey again  and I am taking an on-line class. At the same time I am trying to reinforce my daily practice and to reconnect with my old passion for drawing and to practice self-love and self-respect. Past week I thought that this was too much, and saw August as a big desert filled with self-demands

After a few breathes (and some reflections), this morning I realized that this thoughts were a sort of self-sabotage because deep inside I
think I don´t deserve so much attention, I shouldn´t devote so much time to myself, I shouldn´t dream big...

But after debating between all those ideas, I said to myself, "Wait. Why I can´t dream of having it all, of being whoever I want to be... who is preventing me from being free?
I took my camera and faced up a self-portrait challenge that I was postponing (be playful, something that I think I am not). I took my pencils and drew. I came here and wrote the following list inspired by this amazing post. Please follow the link, you´ll enjoy it.

I want to be serious and responsible
I want to be playful and have not a care in this world

I want to be a Zen monk and master the art of meditation
I want to walk by the red carpet (at least once)

I want to travel abroad and be part of an humanitarian project
I want to stay at home and read all day long

I want to have a garden and make grow my own vegetables
I want to live in a city and to plant herbs in pots

I want to fly to the Antarctic and get lost there
I want to fly to the isle where I was born and living with my mom forever

I want to teach every day of my life
I want to own a little library or a tea shop

I want to go to Tahiti
I want to live in Italy for a year (or more)

I want to study and learn more
I want to be peaceful and know that I am enough

I want to be romantic, careless, passionate, bohemian
I want to be predictable, analytic, logic, sensible

I want to sleep outside and count the stars
I want to go to bed at home and kiss my cats goodnight

I want to have a balanced diet
I want to eat sandwiches, drink tea and don´t have a meal timetable

I want to go around the world with my husband and have a nomad existence
I want to be with my mother during her last day

I want to have my dark hair forever
I want to let my gray hair grow and don´t tint it anymore

I want to have a minimalist house
I want to have shabby furniture and mementos everywhere

I want to visit Auschwitz
I want to forget all the suffering

I want to believe that my story counts
I want not to be defined by my story

I want to be extravert and sociable and be the soul of the parties
I want to keep being introvert and reflective

I want to run a marathon
I want to stay at home and write my journals and draw

I want to have time to do all these things
I want to be happy being where I am

I want to be myself
I want to be every tiny “me” that I know still live inside me


Yvonne said...

Beautiful! All the juxtapositions - it's so interesting to see how contradictory we really are :) What speaks to me is - 'I want to study and learn more
I want to be peaceful and know that I am enough'. I struggle with those two, as I struggle with the idea of writing a list - exactly because I think I am, should be, want to be and have enough & be at peace with it all... Another bit of food for my soul & food for thought here - thank you for sharing your list :)

Marcie said...

Speaks to each and every part and piece of you...and 'us'. A beautiful list...and extraordinary post and self-reflection. I've been playing (in my mind) with the possibility of doing a self-portrait project. You're inspiring me...thank-you!

Introverted Art said...

wow Zena, this is so beautiful. All these opposing thoughts, these dual self... I also like the self-portrait series... might be very telling.

Aga Gasiniak said...

create and draw with heart,Zena. This is what I try to practice all the time. Heart does not create doubts, only mind does. I really recommend to read the artist way by julia cameron. it is a great book which helps to get through all artistic blocks. Big hugs to you and create and grow.

Barbara Schwartz said...

You've said this so well. We want opposites equally! To be inside and not come out all day and to fly unfettered and never touch down. No wonder we confuse ourselves so. Which part do we believe. Which part are we in constant struggle with?

Optimistic Existentialist said...

Zena I really feel that you're headed for great things writing-wise...this blew me away...

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