DAY 365+35

relative position

I usually valued the place I was taking up in the world based on the opinions of other persons. The positive or negative feedback of those persons (and even the lack of feedback) entailed a message about the love they´re willing to give me, and to be more precise, about the love I deserved

This made me start a maniac dance where I was following others movements,  and my actions were responses to their appreciation (I have written about this many times on this blog) 

I just wanted to achieve their esteem,  but the thermometer that should have measured the love in my life indeed was measuring judgments, praises and criticism. And either if the others were aware of this circumstance or not, this created a vicious circle: they started to be highly demanding... and I couldn´t stop pleasing them because that made me feel that I wasn´t good enough

In other words, the space from where I was making decisions was outside me and this simply was destroying me

When I understood this personal dynamic I started to reflect on it, and my inner work started to be aimed at this issue. I realized what I was doing and I accepted that I had to change my attitude and to struggle to define my behaviors and motivations much more clearly

That was fine, but I didn´t achieve some success till I was not able to invert my starting premises. I stopped blindly believing that I had to please others in order to be loved, and I started to consider the following:

Maybe I don´t have to please others to be loved
Maybe they will be able to love me even when I do things according to my own perspective
Maybe they don´t have to love me because I am doing this or that
Maybe they will only love me if they want to do it
Maybe they would love me regardless of my exhausting efforts (!)
Maybe I can be loved for no reason
Maybe I could love others without expecting their love
Maybe I could stop manipulating them and let them do whatever they want regarding their love for me
Maybe I could change my mind, and start to do things just because I love them
Maybe I could stop making things I don´t want to make because I assume other persons want me to do it and try to know what they really want
Maybe I could stop acting in response to others demands and learn to say NO to what I don´t like...

Maybe I could start to please myself, to undertake projects that make me love myself a bit more, to start to say YES to my own feelings and needs

In the moment I internalized this habit, the decision making automatically changed from outside to inside. This happened quickly and was effective

Now when my inner dialogue leads me to wish to find out what to do to please someone, I start this "inversions". They set me free from my unhealthy tendency and helps me to value the place I am taking up in the world based on my own opinions and feelings... based on a growing sense of dignity


Note: The book Love what is by Byron Katie, has helped  me to develop this process