DAY 605

at the right place

Inner peace can be elusive. One doesn’t expect this to happen after living much and accepting even more, after having let go so much and having experienced such a relief. One expects some tranquility, tiny respites that last a bit more. One expects to be able to call a truce with oneself. But expectations can be dangerous. They, indeed, create anxiety, the first enemy of calm and cloud our judgment. And when this happens, no matter how hard the work done has been, anger appears, and frustration reigns supreme.

Let me tell you that I have been feeling that way lately. After living some really changelling years where I have learnt to appreciate the great importance of staying true to myself, I've been trying to move toward new -and more meaningful- goals that are already clear in my mind and feeling totally exhausted at the same time (as I explained on my previous post). As a result, the usual “vicious circle” described above, began: the more I struggled against this fatigue or wanted to fit my preconceived ideas about what I should be doing, the more exhausted and irascible I felt, and the less composed. I started even to wonder what I was thinking when I chose the word soar for this year. However, before completing the whole circle and ending up immerse into self-pity or starting to feel like a miserable failure, this time I decided to ask for guidance and help first. And it came to meet me.

Suddenly I realized that maybe that tiredness was not a laughing matter (or was not only about resting), that maybe it was a way to make me pondering my next movement. I saw clearly that after so many inner changes now I am a person able to make the necessary outer changes, but I also had the strong feeling that I have to stay a bit in my base camp -so to speak-, before starting new adventures.

This has been quite difficult to grasp and to accept: adventures, projects, dreams, experiments (you name it) have been always my lifeblood, and I truly believe that they have saved my life. In fact, nowadays, I still don’t understand very well how I have survived to certain things. And although I guess it partly happened because I probably had the strength required, I also know that much of my impetus came from that desire of keep on walking. But in spite of that, along these weeks I have come to understand that I don’t need to be in survival mode anymore, that I have not to run away or to defend myself, that I am finally totally safe and I can enjoy what is yet to come.

This has been a great find (a tiny epiphany, I would say) not only because many conditionings are starting to fade away as a result, but because it has helped me to acknowledge that I deserve to be here, and this is –believe me- a true turning point.  And although this may  seem that doesn't make any difference, makes indeed a great difference, dear friends: now it is not only my inner compass which is indicating my true north, I am also facing the right direction.


windrock studio said...

What a truly wonderful statement to make and a great place to be in your life. I can imagine how good it feels to get to this turning point and be able to relax and enjoy this true north, the right direction.
I am always cheering for you and send you love ~

Maery Rose said...

I can relate to that realization "that I deserve to be here" and what a difference it makes. The last chapter of my manuscript, is a letter to my son where I write about regrets and it says: "Mostly, I just wish I could get back the part of my life that I wasted because I was waiting for someone to say it was okay for me to exist. Growing up, I felt like I wasn't suppose to be here. I was born by mistake. My real life was “out there” somewhere and I was waiting to find it."

Now I know that you don't find your life so much as you set out and create it.

Optimistic Existentialist said...

Your introspection never ceases to amaze me...and neither does your inspiration. It is cathartic when we begin to accept ourselves, isn't it?

Teteel said...

What a wonderful feeling!
You feel safe and expect new things to come... Amazing!

Anonymous said...

Learn to flow like river, that's how to heal your anger
www.bellofpeace gede prama org 

Anonymous said...

Learn to flow like river, that's how to heal your anger
www.bellofpeace gede prama org 

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Aga Gasiniak said...

Beautiful photography. Love to you, Zena.

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