DAY 539

when the Universe is in charge

I would have never imagined the nature of the journey that have brought meto the fiftieth year of my life. 

While finishing my studies at university I considered myself an intellectual who was very brainy but also a bit peculiar. I didn´t want to have a regular life with middle-class touches. I knew I would develop a successful professional career and would have a rich and interesting life. So I started to make decisions according to these preconceived ideas about life and they became my reality.

When I was 21, I was living by myself and met the person that later on would be my husband. I started to work as a teacher at university at age 24 and defended my PHD Thesis when I was 31. I already owned a house, still lived alone and I was about to start a collaboration with an international organization. That was the life I had dreamed of: independence, a partner that was ready to accept it, classes, travels, time to read and write... but I was not happy. Not at all. I had a good life but it was not as perfect as I wanted it to be. In fact, I found it riddled with errors.

No one knew it, not even me, but my internal unease caused by my past (that hadn´t finished yet and was creating new wounds on top of the old ones) and all the unresolved issues related to it were tormenting me and leading me to such a level of self-demand that I was indeed, falling apart.

And then, one day, someway, something moved. A tiny clue showed me the path. And a new light promoted a new attitude that gave way to new perspectives and viewpoints. They created a new mood and strategies which set new goals and actions. And a new sense of being good enough emerged.

Suddenly, all the things that seemed imperfect previously: my partner, my house, my work and of course myself… my whole life, you see, seemed not that bad.

I realized that all the events had a reason to be. All the lessons had to be learnt. All the pain had to be felt . All the challenges had to be faced up. All the uncertainty had to be assumed. I understood that I had to get it wrong to get it right because somehow, I needed to feel through the eyes (and heart) of my eternal essence in order to access my soul´s inner voice.

There was not a drama after all. I realized that there was only an ongoing process of learning, a progressive act of surrendering. Through it I have ended up finding not only my true self and a meaningful life, but new spaces where that voice matters.

I never expected to be so happy, so free, so “easy” at this moment of my life.

I never expected to be sailing the seas of this existence of mine so peacefully and in such a good company.

I never expected to be here right now. Not even in my craziest dreams.

But here I am. And for this I am grateful.

This post was published past Friday on Vision and Verb Blog. This will be my last post there because the site is about to close. Indeed there will not be new post since today even when it will remain open one month more.

I have no words to express what that experience has meant to me. I found the blog almost by chance and soon I knew I wanted to be a contributor. I didn´t think they will accept me, but I tried anyway. After a post as a guest, I started to be a regular contributor. The time shared there with other contributors and readers is priceless. 

I started to write there feeling unsure about myself, about the meaning of my own journey or about what I could expect of the changes I was making and of course, of my English.  While I say goodbye, I  feel self-confident and hopeful. Coincidence? I don´t think so.  They all have given me a sense of place, a sense of belonging and now I know for certain that what I have to say really matters.

And what is even more important: I arrived there alone, and I am leaving along  with all the amazing women that I met there who now I have the honor to call friends.

Many of them are going to publish somewhere else their posts on V&V in order to allow them to be read. But I am not going to do that. I´ll save them for personal use, but I am not going to keep them (or their comments on them) "alive". I ´ll let them go as a way to revert all the kindness, support and love I have received to the Universe.


Jennifer Richardson said...

The beauty you share here is truly stunning.
I'm so grateful for the chance to meet you and share the journey with you.....glad it can continue
as other doors open.
Big bountiful blessing to you,

Unknown said...

Beautiful statement, Zena. Every single of your posts is a healing moment for me. Thank you so much for this!!!!!

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