DAY 365+62

up and down

ometimes I feel that my life is in a mess. This usually happens when I am dealing with personal conflicts related to injustice, lack of respect or abuse. I don´t tolerate well this kind of behavior which often awakes my anger and frustration... and also my need to fight for what I think is fair

This always changes my mood. It generates anxiety and when goes on for some time, it ends up distorting my perspective and undermining my good sense and my joy. And then, every aspect and facet of my existence starts to seem uncertain and problematic to me. Of course, the more frustrated and anxious I feel, the more biased my viewpoint starts to be and vice versa 

This obviously creates a kind of vicious circle that I am learning to break by becoming aware of my emotional state and managing my emotions more wisely. But from time to time, I fail, and a certain conflict threatens my tranquility in a way that is not acceptable

Obsession becomes a blemish on the peace of my mind, fear produces a sensation of powerlessness and the unreal imminence of chaos manages to circumvent my rational mind. When this occurs, logic doesn´t help me, reasoning doesn´t help me, common sense doesn´t help me... but relinquishing control often works

To tell you the truth, most of the times I have to be almost exhausted to do it and there is always an external -and unexpected- catalyst

I´ve been struggling with some of those vicious circles lately, but this week I reached a critical point. I went outside to walk and I felt totally uninspired, I sat down on a bench and wait while praying silently a bit 

When I finished,   I looked up and I could see that all the palms along the road were bearing their fruits. I hadn´t even noticed this when I started my walk but they gave me back the sense of amazement that I needed in order to counteract my turbulent state of mind 

Suddenly, while trying to capture their beauty, I started to outline a response to the situation I was going through, and I could see glimpses of a strategy that would allow me to recover my calm

I continued my walk and when arrived to the park next to my house the sun was shinning again (both literal and metaphorically speaking) and  I was clear about my attitude, and about the way I would behave from then on

Sometimes, we have to look up and accept guidance to start to listen the tiny voice that calls out inside us. Sometimes we have to listen to take up our path again with a new destination in mind
Walk and Click Wednesday


Barbara Schwartz said...

Sitting and waiting is sometimes the key to prayer.

I read this in The New Yorker and have been thinking about it. What do you think? I may use it tomorrow. Would love your feedback even if it doesn't fit for this morning's blog.

"And what was not possible all too easily becomes the story of our lives. Our lived lives might become a protracted mourning for, or an endless trauma about, the lives we were unable to live."

The Artful Diva said...

I can identify will all that you've said here. I'm not brave enough to share it on-line. I admire your openness. I find prayers helps me through most every situation - glad to hear it helps you too.

Lissa Forbes said...

Zena, I do believe the feelings you have shared are universally human. I find myself there more often than I like to admit. Thanks for your courage in sharing your self so openly. Thanks for coming to Walk and click Wednesday!

Aga Gasiniak said...

Wise tohughts Zena. Especially when you wrote about finiding new destination. We all need it sometimes but sometimes we are not even aware of it. Love and blessing to you. XX

Cindy Swainson said...

I am right there with you, and you have eloquently put into words what I do too. Every time I try to control it all it gets more worse. So I let it be in His hands. In Art and in Life.

I love what you do!


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