DAY 365+15

windy days

Lately I´ve been feeling a bit downhearted and like a sort of weathervane which was moving to show how the atmosphere in my family was changing. There are many things that explain that, I am think I am quite clear about them. I have talked here many times, but let me list them once again:

 I have developed some co-dependent patterns due to my early experiences which involve the loss of my father when I was just a child, my life with my mother as a young widow after a very complicated marriage, my disabled brother and a sister with serious mental problems

I am part of a dysfunctional family where the rest of my siblings (I am the youngest one of seven brothers and sisters) have lived one way or another those circumstances and have developed their own patterns to survive. But they unlike me, seem  not to be struggling to change them even when they  can be unhealthy and are giving them problems

I -as many other persons living this kind of circumstances, including my siblings- have problems with setting boundaries. This can means that you infringe others boundaries or let others infringe yours, that´s what I usually do. 
This entails that even when my family doesn´t ask me so, I am prone to assume many responsibilities in order to give my mother and my brother the life I think they deserve or to protect them from their own fragility. 

According to my point of view when there are issues related to boundaries inside a family, like occurs in my family, caused -as in our case-  by previous conflicts, will always arise abusive behaviors. They will only make worse the whole situation unless the members become aware of what is happening. This kind of situations can be recognized and stopped but this needs participation and involvement, not negation. And this is the response of many of my family members

I used to think that I could change those responses but I have learned that there is no way to do it. Every time I try to deal with the situation and try to impose some kind of rationality, I fail. Of course, I always find some kind of support, I don´t know what I had done without having my sister in law, my oldest brother, some of my nephews and nieces or my fourth sister in my life, but we are not strong enough (or decisive enough) to turn the tables. It´s not anyone´s fault, this happens, in any case, due to a lack of consciousness. And this lack of consciousness makes my old patterns reemerge again.

Last weeks I have accepted that changing myself won´t change that situation and I have started to admit that I have to think of myself first (yes, I know)

I´ve so much yearned for some kind of "normality", that I was prone to forget my own priorities. This doesn´t mean that I haven´t done anything in my life except caring for my mom or dealing with my family issues (I don´t want you to see me as a martyr), it means that regardless my full life, my inner work, my awakening, my process of healing and all the things I had learned... something inside me still was telling me that my own needs, wishes and dreams were secondary comparing with my duty regarding my family demands, many of whom were self-imposed, by the way. But this  is not going to happen again

Now that my "blindness" has gone down, I can see much more clearly the real situation, and I have understood a few things:

There is not any drama

My family is not under my exclusive responsibility

I don´t have to be supervising the situation all the time

I want to help my mother and my brother but I will do according my own rules

It´s not selfishness try to make the things to be also on my own side

I don´t have to change anyone or to excuse for others behaviors

I don´t have to compensate others faults

I don´t have to protect my mom from the life she has to live but I can help her to take it easier

I don´t have to rescue anyone, except myself

I don´t want love resulting from self-sacrifice

I don´t want to be less generous, but I want to have more freedom

I won´t get involved in unhealthy dynamics trying to force some kind of normality or perfection (this is such a deception!)

I will accept things as they are

I will do my part, and other people should do their own one, if they want to, if not is none of my business

I won´t permit emotional blackmail or victim mentality

I won´t start disputes and I won´t try to change anyone´s mind, but I will act consequently

I will keep my own walk and keep on cultivating serenity and clarity

When I will make decisions, I´ll always analyze their impact on me and on my life

I won´t reject my sense of responsibility but I will balance it

I´ll make the best of the time I have to devote to my mom, I won´t complain (I´ve never have done it) , on the contrary, I´ll enjoy it as usual, but I won´t try to force others to do the same and I won´t break my own boundaries: 
it´s me who has to make decisions about my own life


LaDolceVita said...

Thanks for sharing the details.It helped me to understand your situation better.
It is indeed difficult to live in a situation where the energies and vibrations of each family members are at different levels and sometimes in the opposite direction. In such a situation, no matter how hard you try, things will not go as you would want them to.
Through your spiritual journey you have come out of your traumatic and difficult past but they [ your other family members] haven't.
In this situation, you have to keep in mind that the energy levels of everyone is different from each other owing to their physical & mental disability, their level of consciousness/ awareness and their current life situations.
The point where you have reached in your life today seems solely because of your own efforts. And it seems that the point they have reached today in their life is through their own efforts but also with a lot of help from you.
So, you have done the needful by being a responsible daughter/sister.

But is it fair to take care of them at the cost of jeopardizing your well being and health ? If you, yourself are not stress-free, how can you take care of them ?

An air-hostess herself wears the safety oxygen mask first, before helping the other passengers wear their oxygen mask in case of an emergency.

So, I feel that you have to first take good care of your soul.
And you can do only that much which is humanly possible. What is the use of saving one soul while killing another soul [your soul] at the same time ?
So, whatever decisions you have reached are good enough. Doing more won't add more value to the situation. You are good enough as you are.
take care,

LaDolceVita said...

I wanted to add: Look at what life was years ago, many years ago when you were a child. Now it is better, much better. So, you are headed in the right direction, you are taking the the right decisions for your well being. So, I wish you all the best in your journey. You are doing good.

Aga Gasiniak said...

Dear Zena. I love your portrait I wish I could paint it. It is very inspiring. Also thank you for very honest, deep and personal post. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom.

Wifsie said...

Are you familiar with Mary Oliver's poem 'The Journey'? It is so inspiring for all of us who are looking for change.

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Mary Oliver

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