day 303

blooming step by step

This time at my mom´s house have been complicated, not only because I was concerned by my mom´s health condition but because all the things I have written in previous post. But even when it might seem hard to believe, it have been complicated in a positive way. All those things have stirred many good feelings  that have emerged after my first sorrowful response and  I haven´t experienced before while dealing with family issues

These feeling are partly caused by the pleasure I feel when I have the chance to take care of my mom. I used to think that I was not the care-giver type person, I´ve always been too tense, strict, reserved and a bit aloof, but I have found unexpected stocks of patience and gentleness inside me. Of course, some circumstances awake the best of us, but I think I have much to thank to this journey, that have mellowed my character and have made me acknowledge the real important things in life. Before, I used to think that being loved unconditionally were the most important thing in life, but now I have learned that the true privilege is loving unconditionally

Indeed, I truly believe that I am not now the person that I used to be. All the inner work I have done, and in particular, the 302 posts I have written here, have changed my mind frame completely, not to talk about my mood and my emotional landscape. Now, regardless the remaining conflicts, I feel more essentially me than ever before. Paradoxically, I feel less attached to me than ever before, maybe because my process have had a profound spiritual dimension

The great thing is that even when I still feel shocked with some of our dynamics and I can relapse in bad habits (perfectionism, anger, self-contempt... you name it) this doesn´t change my inner tranquility that can be outshone, but doesn´t disappear

Back home, I have realized that my wounds are cicatrized and what I experienced was just a feeling of discomfort and a sort of identification with my old role that I could avoid next time, because deep inside I feel...


Secure, strong, powerful

Joyful serene centered

Funny, beautiful, notable

unique

wise

aware

happy, with room for improvement

amazed

able to relish and embrace life


and what is more important:


healed and not driven to to demonstrate anyone of the previous things