DAY 299

feeling isolated II

How many times I have wanted to talk about this or that

and my words went unheeded? 

how many times I have wanted to share my wishes and dreams

and we have ended up talking about their wishes and dreams? 

how many times I have wanted to pour my heart out to them

and I have had to comfort them, instead? 

how many times I have wanted to show off some of my achievements

and they have sang someone else´s praises? 

how many times I have wanted to feel beautiful, loved, important

and they have ignored me? 

how many times I have wanted to hear an applause

and I have had to applaud?

how many times I have wanted a pat on the back

and I have gone unnoticed? 

how many times I have wanted to be heard

I have had to hear their problems, anecdotes or concerns? 

how many times I have wanted to explain my point of views

and I have been invalidated?

More that I can count on my fingers

From outside it can be seeing as a complex problem with many sides, the result of old and hard to explain dynamics... no doubt, it is. From outside, it can be seeing as a matter of emotional intelligence, no doubt, we were not strong on that topic. From outside, this can be even estimate as a self-esteem problem of that who is writing... it can be, it can be 

From inside, it is more simpler... from inside is the story of a disequilibrium, because I was a girl and they were adult (in fact, my eldest sisters are more than fifteen years older than me) 

From inside is the story of an upside down world, where I was treated as an adult when I was too young to understand that I wasn´t such thing. A world where I have had to act as an adult but I have not the privilege of claiming my perspective because I am the youngest. A world where I only have duties but I have not rights, where my voice is not important, and my success is played down but I have tons of responsibilities. A world where I cannot complain because no one seems to see what I see, no one wants to change things... maybe because this would mean to accept supposed past mistakes

The true is that it´s not anybody fault, but this is the upside down world where I have had  to live in order to feel connected to my closer family. I come in and out of it once and again but I am tired. So tired

Talking about this with my mother one of these days, she said to me: you are the little one, but you´re older than many others at the same time. This is something my husband  and friends have said to me tons of times but I haven´t wanted to assume it    

And suddenly I realized that my world is upside down because I want it to be this way, the only thing I have to do is standing up on my own life and  claiming  my power. This way, I will be able not only to liberate myself, but to show the compassion that lies inside me

Resistance won´t mend my lost childhood. Vindication won´t make my current life easier 

It´s time to move forward


La Dolce Vita said...

It takes enormous courage and positivity to praise and value the "qualities" in another person. Sometimes, when I don't feel valued by others,or if I am ignored, I feel that my so called friends/relatives are lacking that courage and positivity in themselves and that's why they are being so unkind/indifferent. A person who is truly content from inside will never devalue you, never. Also, compassion is a rare quality. A friend might be good but not compassionate. I have had many so called "good" friends who are not compassionate and are quite insensitive. Also, one has to overcome one's own complexities and insecurities first, then only he /she will be able to value others.

So, under these circumstances, I have always felt that the best thing we can do is to love ourselves at this moment.

Lisa Gordon said...

This a truly thought-provoking and beautiful post.

Deborah Tisch said...

I'm sending you peace and blessings as you journey forward...

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