|feeling isolated II|
How many times I have wanted to talk about this or that
and my words went unheeded?
how many times I have wanted to share my wishes and dreams
and we have ended up talking about their wishes and dreams?
how many times I have wanted to pour my heart out to them
and I have had to comfort them, instead?
how many times I have wanted to show off some of my achievements
and they have sang someone else´s praises?
how many times I have wanted to feel beautiful, loved, important
and they have ignored me?
how many times I have wanted to hear an applause
and I have had to applaud?
how many times I have wanted a pat on the back
and I have gone unnoticed?
how many times I have wanted to be heard
I have had to hear their problems, anecdotes or concerns?
how many times I have wanted to explain my point of views
and I have been invalidated?
More that I can count on my fingers
From outside it can be seeing as a complex problem with many sides, the result of old and hard to explain dynamics... no doubt, it is. From outside, it can be seeing as a matter of emotional intelligence, no doubt, we were not strong on that topic. From outside, this can be even estimate as a self-esteem problem of that who is writing... it can be, it can be
From inside, it is more simpler... from inside is the story of a disequilibrium, because I was a girl and they were adult (in fact, my eldest sisters are more than fifteen years older than me)
From inside is the story of an upside down world, where I was treated as an adult when I was too young to understand that I wasn´t such thing. A world where I have had to act as an adult but I have not the privilege of claiming my perspective because I am the youngest. A world where I only have duties but I have not rights, where my voice is not important, and my success is played down but I have tons of responsibilities. A world where I cannot complain because no one seems to see what I see, no one wants to change things... maybe because this would mean to accept supposed past mistakes
The true is that it´s not anybody fault, but this is the upside down world where I have had to live in order to feel connected to my closer family. I come in and out of it once and again but I am tired. So tired
Talking about this with my mother one of these days, she said to me: you are the little one, but you´re older than many others at the same time. This is something my husband and friends have said to me tons of times but I haven´t wanted to assume it
And suddenly I realized that my world is upside down because I want it to be this way, the only thing I have to do is standing up on my own life and claiming my power. This way, I will be able not only to liberate myself, but to show the compassion that lies inside me
Resistance won´t mend my lost childhood. Vindication won´t make my current life easier
It´s time to move forward