DAY 295

feeling isolated 

When I read my notes about my family I realize that I can seem obsessed with the past and I am not. I have let go my past and I truly believe I have been able to heal it. I know what happened, I have accepted my story and how it affected the way I see life and I have even incorporated it to my current life. I know I am still dealing with some of its consequences, but they are insignificant if I compare them to all the things I have overcame. I am clear about who I am, what I am doing here and the what I want to do from now on

My past is a key that explains many things, that´s why I can´t ignore it, but I am not trapped in it. Now I see my past as any other past, I don´t complain about it, I don´t want no one to compensate me for it. I don´t feel I have nothing to forgive, either

I have looked for answers that could explain my inner pain, and I have found many in my early years, that´s all. I don´t blame anyone for them
. I try not to wallow in self-pitty

I am happy with my own process, but when something happens tha
t makes me be in deep contact with my family again, I am prone to look back once again but not with anger

I only do it to reinforce my convictions, my viewpoints, because I feel totally invalidated. My mother finds easier to accept them, but most of my siblings don´t want to hear what I have to say. Some of them just don´t talk, and some of them get offended by my words so I have never obtained the confirmation I am expecting

I understand the reason why they are reluctant, but the more they resist, the more I insist on getting it, with no success. I revise all the facts and arguments and I bring the old sentiments up again, just to find out that I am not mistaken

 It´s a sickly attitude, I know, and probably a waste of time (once again, I know...) but I can´t help myself. I am always determined not to argue with my family over some issues, but I always manage to do it, because I feel they are insensitive to my sorrow. And then I feel like begging for some understanding and empathy, and this creates complicated situations. So even when I am not looking back with anger, the whole situation makes me feel frustrated, and it looks as if I might be angry

I wish I could care less my family´s confirmation of my value and truth. I know I have to stop doing this, they won´t change their mind, so I have to change my attitude... but our past is a shared territory and I find hard to reconcile my ideas with theirs and I don´t even know if this could be desirable...

Anyway, this is making me become aware of something really important: I had always thought I would need a shared effort in order to feel tranquil in this stage of my life, but I was wrong. Now I know that when people says, let bygones be bygones, often this leans on an unidirectional movement

PS: My mother has been ill, she is getting better, and this is why I am behind with my post. Now that I am a bit quieter, I am transcribing my impressions of previous days

1 comment:

Romero_77 said...

Well, it is often necessary to dwell a while, but if you get tired of trying and do not see results, in my point of view it would be best to let things calm down and that everyone assumes its share of responsibility, in your case you did what you could, now it is up to them to act, for good or bad things will unfold as it should be.

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