DAY 600

farewell, 2015

I've been planning to write a post about 2015 for some time now. After pondering this and that, I decided to keep it simple as I am determined to use my time more wisely, and to be less conditioned by my ego's needs to be perfect. So here I am, a bit late, mainly because I need to close what I would define as a challenging (and life-changing) year. At this point, many of you know well some of the experiences that I have had to live, so I am not going to speak of them again. I am going to focus on how my life has been transformed by them.

I have had to cry much during 2015. I have done it silently, privately, inconsolably and openly. I started the year determined to be more authentic, so I didn't ignore or conceal my sorrow, my sadness. On the contrary, I lived with it -went through it-, not only after the passing of my friends (or my dear cat), but also along their process of leaving this existence. I was there and I talked about it, I allowed myself to feel the pain, the fear and even so, I offered them my unconditional presence.

By doing that I experienced a sort of catharsis. I felt how my shell (the old carapace that was covering my heart) started to –finally- crack. It was like an end of an era. After all the inner work, I was feeling free!.

I still am not sure why this happened. Maybe it was the shock linked to every loss or the sense that the time was limited; maybe it was the acknowledgement regarding the triviality of many of my efforts versus the greatness of life and death... maybe it was my moment.

Maybe, through the hollows of the broken fabric of my life I accidentally glimpsed how future could be. I don't know, but I had an insight into the reality of my existence and the reason for being here.

And I understood that I would never be the same. I wouldn't pretend not to be myself anymore or disown my gifts ever again. I understood that I would keep listening my inner voice but without any shame.

I realized that vulnerability was leading me to a turning point. I realized that I had to pay tribute to light by awakening and by creating enlightenment regardless of my doubts. That there was a force inside me that was claiming to be out, to bloom, and I had to allow it to do it.

I understood that I won't disguise my essence from now on.

Today I know that I have to soar -leave my old place- and walk over in order to greet the truth of who I am. And that’s what I am doing.