DAY 365+86

sightless

Past weeks have completely drained my energy. As usual, after the end of the academic course I got sick, not as much as previous years, but I felt like if I was having a bad flu, when indeed I wasn´t. I was just tired 

Now after weeks correcting the papers of my students and doing assessment seminars with them, apart from suffering a persistent hacking cough, my brain seems to be empty and many ideas (in particular those related to summer break) have flown away

The way that university works makes me wonder if this effort is useless. There many things more important (the kind of things which I am not interested in) than teaching. This may sounds paradoxical as I work in a teaching institution, but this is the true. Teaching seems to be a necessary evil so to say, but not something really valuable. Of course, this is not the official speech, but this is what I feel based on what I see around

Indeed, according to my experience, this is a chronic problem of university: there are many experts coexisting there, who are producing knowledge but many of them don´t know how to communicate it or make it relevant. They present information but don´t deal with the teaching-learning process in depth

I decided long ago that I was not going to be that kind of teacher and my students (who are often frustrated) are usually happy with me but when I want to fulfill my external job requirements and my own self-demands, I always end up taking on too much and getting sick. On the other hand, when I try to opt for some of them, this makes me feel sicker, if possible and not that efficient

The thing is that according to university I have to teach, research, write and publish, be part of the organization and deal with management tasks, be part of the community, study new skills etc. and according to myself, I have to develop my classes and treat my students in a very specific way, which involves almost exclusive dedication, but most of the times I find difficult to be responsible and true to myself and stay centered and present in the rest of my life

I am not complaining, I know many other teachers that are facing the same dilemma than me and anyway I am acting accordingly my beliefs but from time to time, I think that maybe I should try to find a happy medium

This issue has become more relevant to me since I am developing this inner journey because it is about balance, but also about authenticity , faithfulness to my own vision and acceptance. When I published the final acts of my students a week ago or so, I had the feeling that I have to examine in detail my attitudes and refine my behaviors

Right now I have doubts about my motivations, the appropriateness of my decisions, the impact of them on my professional life, about the way I use my time, the goals and boundaries that I am setting. I feel that I don´t fit properly in the place where I work, I feel alone. I feel abandoned and even misunderstood and invisible. I am not clear about what is really happening, but I have realized that I´ve been blind to many facts that are affecting me deeply

I am a teacher at heart and this won´t never change. But it´s time to re-think , to re-build, to re-arrange… it´s time to reclaim my place and vindicate myself

DAY 365+85

"When things are properly understood,
one's whole life is like a ritual or ceremony"

Pema Chodron

Excuse my absence, dear friends. I´ve been working night and day due to the end of the academic course.  I´ll be back on regular basis from now on.

 Hope you are all well.
Much Love,
Z.

DAY 365+84

invictus

"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."

William Ernest Henley 

Thinking of (and praying for) Nelson Mandela, today

DAY 365+83

me (an updated list)

introvert but not shy
teacher by profession (and by vocation)
perfectionist who is learning acceptance
lover of details

unpunctual
achievement oriented
advocate of the connection between all things, beings and events
accidental academic with a creative nature

increasingly convinced that I have to focus on the bright side of things
prone to anger
learning to be visible
stubborn when not centered

joyful
amateur photographer
sensitive (and sometimes even hyper-sensitive)
believer of the healing power of art, prayers and silence

exploring my inner world through the spiritual practice
setting boundaries
learning respect (and self-respect)
professing the belief in kindness and compassion

starting to be less rigid
in favor of authenticity
cat person
grateful

cultivating mindfulness and serenity
looking for ways to love myself more (much more)
letting go preconceived ideas about life and happiness
in search of clarity

no expecting approval anymore
devotee of reading (and writing)
tenacious
tidy but not very organized

embracing my gifts and universe guidance
trying to reach peace through the little things
analytic with a bohemian heart
paying attention to my soul voice

passionate (and a bit obsessive from time to time)
procrastinator
currently celebrating the beauty of my path (my own beauty)
and perhaps, finally satisfied, appeased

DAY 365+82

true friends come in all forms
can be found in every context, 
in any moment of your life

They make you feel important, wise, 
they offer support, sense of belonging, 
unconditional help that makes you grow, 
a shoulder to cry on quietly 

They comfort you even without speaking,  
stay with you along bad days 
and sad day, and good days,
and go with you without complaining 

They are a source of joy,
a wonderful reason to live for,
an accidental gift, an unexpected privilege

They open a gateway to life, 
make you go deeper into yourself 
and always are there for you 

That´s why I have to say 
true friends come in all forms, 
can be found in every context, 
in any moment of your life

Indeed a true friend can be 
a person, a tree, a book, 
a sweet orange and white cat 
who has accompanied you, loved you,
for a very long, long time 

She knows well how to wait, 
and masters the art of restfulness 
she also knows how to play, 
and masters the art of acceptance 


A sweet orange and white cat 
that has been walking with me 
during the last fifteen long years 

my cat, my teacher, my friend



Six Words Fridays: Joy

365+81

emergence of consciousness 

This is my May´s Photo-Heart Connection

May has been a busy -and somehow chaotic- month. It has taught me some hard lessons that surely will lead me to make some important decisions about the way I am living. It has given me a new -and keen- perception of some important things, and for that I am happy and grateful, but most of the days I felt exhausted and overwhelmed. This made me think that I had been neglecting my inner work... or that I thought, till I found a group of photos of this plant and its flowers

I had forgotten it till I went through my files a week ago or so, and the mauve and green tones caught my eye. And then I remembered: I captured them along a cloudy afternoon.  I wanted to take a break from my work and recharge my batteries, so I went to the park next to my house,  and these beauties were blooming gracefully next to the fountain

I stayed there for a long time. I observed the spherical umbels on single stalks which I have seen so many times but always manage to amaze me again

I stayed there and breathed, and danced around the flowers the same as the bees, fascinated, feeling blessed, thrilled. The closed buds contrasted sharply with the showy flower heads, in wide range of sizes and shades of blue, purple, white and yellow. And I took one photo and another. But what I liked best was the way that the star-shaped flowers were opening themselves up to the world

After the walk I felt much more relaxed, but I was not aware of having proceeded with my inner work. That´s why when I discovered the photos of the Alliums I realized that I have reached a decisive stage in my journey because I have started to incorporate my inner work into my everyday life sometimes without even noticing it

I have dreamt of developing my practice easily, smoothly, elegantly many times. But I thought this wouldn´t be that effortless. Indeed, I thought this could be a bit solemn, I expected the observance of some formality. I didn´t expect my practice to be so spontaneous, unaffected, so simple and uncomplicated

But I have found out that consciousness can develop at ease just as life does, without making great fuss, silently, through the extraordinary in the ordinary