DAY 365+42

"I suppose what makes me most glad is that we all recognize each other
in this metaphysical space of silence and happening, and get some sense, for a moment, that we are full of paradise without knowing it."

Thomas Merton


Walk and Click Wednesday: a walk that made me feel awake

DAY 365+41

the peaceful mind

I wake up early, my backache is here again 

I remember that tomorrow I have to go to my stretching class and my thoughts fly  

I visualize my hectic schedule and all the new things I want to cram into my already busy days . Things I need to do, things I want to do 

I am still sitting down in my bed. Step by step, I say to myself

I pass through my corridor with the cats meowing behind me. I start to refill their bowls with fresh water and their feed 

While I am bending down, my backache reminds me that tomorrow I have to go to my stretching class and my thought follow the same course again

I wonder why I cannot divide my life into little, organized, compartments. Why I cannot be more efficient and why things seem to be so muddy

I go to the kitchen to prepare my first tea. I open the cupboard I am still lost in my thoughts when something catches my attention

It´s that precious tea sachet awaiting the boiling water and suddenly everything changes 

The loop of my mind stops

I hear the cats chewing, a distant trill  and the extraordinary silence between those ordinary sounds 

I smell the subtle fragrance of the bergamot in the earl grey tea and see the smart design of the white cup

And for a moment I see the life as it is, not as I would like it to be 

I inhabit what life is showing me

I see through the veil of my fantasies  and what I see (the cup, the sachet, the cats that are now cleaning their faces and even the striped rag) pleases me 

Concerns are not needed

Clarity prevails

My mind rests
 

... The kettle´s whistle and I am aware that I have been softly (miraculously) sent back to a space of intimacy with the present moment. While drinking my tea, I give thanks. And thankful I am

Simple things Sunday: morning finds

DAY 365+40

Why?

Why am I doing this? 

I should be productive and efficient and much more ambitious. I should target my energies towards improving my professional career. I should be checking my schedule, developing important projects. I should be trying to meet the right people, to stay in the right place and finding ways to achieving new merits. I should be interested in reputation, success or influence. I should be looking for the sort of prestige that gives glamour and social status. I should build up a conventional life

That´s what many persons around me are doing: they are trying to gather tangible evidences of their goodness, of their competence, of their charm... and maybe I should be doing the same. But I don´t manage to persuade myself to do it

I want time to bring conciousness to my life

I want to do my work slowly and enjoy the tiny moments of awareness of my students

I want to slow down and make pauses

I want to muse on the meaning of things. I want to hear the big silence inside me and pay attention to the whispering voice of my soul

I want to experience moments of reverie and moments of sudden revelations.

I want to be open to what comes to meet me. I want to cultivate presence and intention. I want to learn more about the world around me and to let go what have imprisoned me. I want to have fun and play.

I want to feel amazed. I want to cultivate joy and simplicity

I want to give up futility

I want to relinquish vanity

... I want time to come here and make the hidden beauty of my life visible


Linking to:

Inspire me Fridays   Favorite Photo Friday   Photo Art Friday   Friendship Friday

DAY 365+39

learning as I walk

Sometimes, when I go out with my camera, I fear that I won´t be able to take any good photo, in particular, when I go over my home city. I have spent many hours there developing new ways to observe and compose, testing my sensitivity and my body and trying to feel relaxed and open to what it can offer me because it is the most easy way to walk, make some shots and clear up my mind in regular basis

So I have the feeling that I have scrutinized every single corner in order to find new takes and also, that I have already discovered all the eye-catching places and all the hidden symbols that once turned into photos have permitted me to muse on my own life and explore my inner world

... And I afraid I will be left without that magical key

But when I close the door of my entrance hall, and I breathe deeply the fresh air all my fearful anticipation starts to fade away and I start to trust my eye and my feet once again 

Behind I leave my biases and beliefs associated with this practice. Behind I leave concerns about what is wrong, what is right. Behind I leave my need to be perfect. Behind I leave any reasoning about how all this should be done. Behind I leave strictness. Behind I leave rules. 

I rely on my mind which is clear and steady. I rely on the soft longing inside me. I rely on my vision. I rely on the present moment and accept that it holds a powerful message aimed at me. This little me, who only have a camera and a willful heart 

... And I am led through concepts and expectations and experience the magic that exists in the world around me,  no matter how many times I have seen it


walk and click wednesday: the fountain next to my house

DAY 365+38

"If you live the sacred and despise the ordinary,
you are still bobbing in the ocean of delusion." 

Lin Chi

DAY 365+37

breaking new ground

My past has given me many answers about how my frames of mind have been constructed. Even assuming that I can have a distorted (or subjective) vision of what happened, this vision matters. It tells me how I have perceived the experiences I had to go through and allows me to understand better the rudimentary or initial form of certain beliefs and behavior patterns

Knowing the root causes of those mind frames -that ended up being useless and the seeds of a new kind of unease- doesn´t create automatically new ones but helps to break up the preconceived idea according to which, they are fixed and untouchable. In fact, it helps to question them and to realize that those things that have been learnt can be "un-learnt" and replaced

Looking back often can create a sense of resentfulness because we are prone to focus on what was wrong (according to our point of view) and to forget what worked well. And even to pay attention to things that don´t exist anymore

However, the only place where one can make changes is the present moment, so it is important -in order to prevent blockages- to alternate that analytical method with the mindfulness which is meant to replace it. This way, as we  become more and more clear about the reason why we behave in a predetermined way at one particular moment, the need to analyze the past  starts to stop and the wish for living the present consciously starts to increase

In my case, a moment came when I didn´t need to analyze so much and I started to feel ready to fully live my life by loving what is. Curiously enough, when this occured, a new perception of the past emerged. This happened because once the old mind patterns were taken apart, a less corrupted vision of reality appeared and the rich roots that had nurtured me along my life -even when they had been ignored- became visible

In fact, as I heal my own past, those roots are becoming more and more relevant. They are which have anchored me to the soil of my existence and are an essential and fundamental part of me. Many of them are the result of all the nice things I´ve experienced. And whether I like it or not, some of them have been developed or strengthened thanks to the painful events which -by the understanding of this fact- have been cleansed from bitterness

This is allowing me not only to and cultivate acceptance and let go the pain, but also to appreciate the good things I had, something essential in order to keep on evolving

DAY 365+36

being here and now,
not anywhere else
is not an abdication
is taking possession of our life by accepting that there is no need to change anything
it is a chance to define again beauty, perfection and joy

being here and now,
not anywhere else
is something that takes courage
and a kind of wise naivety
and honesty
and patience

being here and now,
not anywhere else
demands attention
and mastering the art of focusing on the present
leaving aside all our prejudices

Dexterity only comes with practice
but it is worth the effort
because this is the best method to find the way into ourselves

DAY 365+35

relative position

I usually valued the place I was taking up in the world based on the opinions of other persons. The positive or negative feedback of those persons (and even the lack of feedback) entailed a message about the love they´re willing to give me, and to be more precise, about the love I deserved

This made me start a maniac dance where I was following others movements,  and my actions were responses to their appreciation (I have written about this many times on this blog) 

I just wanted to achieve their esteem,  but the thermometer that should have measured the love in my life indeed was measuring judgments, praises and criticism. And either if the others were aware of this circumstance or not, this created a vicious circle: they started to be highly demanding... and I couldn´t stop pleasing them because that made me feel that I wasn´t good enough

In other words, the space from where I was making decisions was outside me and this simply was destroying me

When I understood this personal dynamic I started to reflect on it, and my inner work started to be aimed at this issue. I realized what I was doing and I accepted that I had to change my attitude and to struggle to define my behaviors and motivations much more clearly

That was fine, but I didn´t achieve some success till I was not able to invert my starting premises. I stopped blindly believing that I had to please others in order to be loved, and I started to consider the following:

Maybe I don´t have to please others to be loved
Maybe they will be able to love me even when I do things according to my own perspective
Maybe they don´t have to love me because I am doing this or that
Maybe they will only love me if they want to do it
Maybe they would love me regardless of my exhausting efforts (!)
Maybe I can be loved for no reason
Maybe I could love others without expecting their love
Maybe I could stop manipulating them and let them do whatever they want regarding their love for me
Maybe I could change my mind, and start to do things just because I love them
Maybe I could stop making things I don´t want to make because I assume other persons want me to do it and try to know what they really want
Maybe I could stop acting in response to others demands and learn to say NO to what I don´t like...

Maybe I could start to please myself, to undertake projects that make me love myself a bit more, to start to say YES to my own feelings and needs

In the moment I internalized this habit, the decision making automatically changed from outside to inside. This happened quickly and was effective

Now when my inner dialogue leads me to wish to find out what to do to please someone, I start this "inversions". They set me free from my unhealthy tendency and helps me to value the place I am taking up in the world based on my own opinions and feelings... based on a growing sense of dignity


Note: The book Love what is by Byron Katie, has helped  me to develop this process

DAY 365+34

"Those who cannot feel the littleness of great things in themselves, 
are apt to overlook the greatness of little things in others."

Kakuzo Okakura


Linked up with Inspire me Monday

day 365+33

What if...

I never want to be better, nicer or smarter
I never want to be perfect
I never want to improve myself to please others 
I never want to demonstrate how clever, happy or wise I am 
I never want even a tiny applause 
I never want permission to be who I am 
I never want to prove that I am good enough 
I never want to build myself according to others expectations 
I never want to be that reliable person 
I never want to look for constant achievement 
I never want to explain myself 
I never want to give any other justification 
I never want to be conventional, competent and modest 
I never want to feed drama 
I never want to fulfill others desires 
I never want to need praises from those who are too careless to give them 
I never want to have the feeling that things could be different?


What if I never want to need others approval never, never again?


What if I feel just complete as I am right now? 
What if I feel that things are perfect just as they are right now? 
What if I feel just fine right now?
What if I choose to be fearless right now?


What if I let go my need to change reality and I simply accept it?

What if I stop struggling against the beauty inside and outside me, the clarity that surrounds me, the serenity that is waiting for me around the corner?

I´ve been consciously exploring those possibilities latest week and I feel revived

Oh, friends... why internalize this takes  so long?

DAY 365+32

"There are victories of the soul and spirit
Sometimes, even if you lose, you win" 

Elie Wiesel

DAY 365+31

seven letters, 365 days

I find really captivating choosing one word for the year. Indeed I´ve been doing such thing along the past six years or so and I´ve loved the results. Even when I write also some resolutions, having a word is wonderful because it works like a filter through which I can analyze the experiences of the year or make some of them come to light 

My word for 2013 is respect

This year I want my relationships with others living beings, with myself and with my context to be much more respectful in a balanced sense of the word

I´ll try not to criticize or censure others behaviors and I am not going to bring them out of the consequences of their acts. I´ll let them live their own process

I´ll try to consider others diversity, without giving up my own difference

I´ll show an attitude of esteem towards others feelings, but without forgetting my own sentiments

I´ll try not to permit any behavior that enables abuse to continues in my family or my work, not by changing others,  but by changing myself and my levels of tolerance

I´ll set steady and healthy boundaries 

I´ll  honor my own needs, my own perspectives, my own wishes and dreams. I am not going to pass them over, because I am too busy taking care of any other person, except of me 

I´ll  honor my own truth. I am not going to hide it or sweetened it because I yearn for others approval. Indeed, I am not going to look for it anymore

I´ll  pay proper attention to what happens around me and inside me: I´ll try to stay connected to nature cycles, hear universe messages, be kind to my body, stay true to my values and follow my soul´s call

I´ll try not to permit anything that could damage my self-confidence in any way and I´ll cultivate self-respect


Note: This is the final installment of my self portrait challenge, 48 selfies over 12 months. I will talk about this journey soon. If you want to see them all follow this link

DAY 365+30

"To exercise no-thought and rest in nothing
is the first step toward resting in Tao. To start from nowhere and follow no road is the first step toward attaining Tao"

Chuang Tzu

DAY 365+29

reconnecting

This is my December contribution to Photo-Heart Connection. The last Saturday of December, while I was visiting my mom,  I went for a walk. That´s something that I don´t do  often when I am visiting her, usually I have no time or I don´t feel like leaving her alone... but this time I had the feeling that something was awaiting for me outside, beyond the four walls of my mom´s house. So I went to the capital of the isle to have a look and carried my camera with me just in case 

I went to the promenade beside the old church and suddenly I knew why I had to go there. The ocean was calling me. I needed to breathe some salty air and felt its spicy touch inside my body. I needed to fill my mind with the blue tones of the sky and the water and caress the warm stones... and dive into the colonial atmosphere and get in touch with my coastal roots

This is the village where my mom and my dad, and all my ancestors, were born. By this coast my grandfathers walked and worked. This is the place where my grandmother and my grandfather get engaged during the carnival celebration. This is the sea where my mom swam every day along her childhood. And these are the streets that saw me and my dad walking hand in hand 

The same sea, the same sky, the same houses, the same doors, the same church, the same corners and wickets. The same waves, the same sound. How did I forgot how much I love all this little parts of me? When the hell did it happen?

I got lost somewhere between my youth and my adulthood, and trying to find a way to overcome my early experiences, and gain some perspective, I forgot that I belonged to this place. But that last Saturday of December I felt that I met myself again in this place. That I am being now the person that I was meant to be

And I realized that I had been travelling onward to be back here and breath without fear

DAY 365+28

my pledge

keep on learning 

try to inspire and feel inspired

spread the light

stay balanced and visible

cultivate serenity

feel steady and creative

preserve healthy boundaries and generosity

enjoy my gifts

look for beauty

let go pain

develop gratitude and kindness

avoid drama 

feel powerful and proud

acknowledge abundance

practice mindfulness

be brave and authentic

expect nothing, appreciate anything

stay true to my own process

pray for clarity

validate myself

believe in miracles

live with intention and joy

accept guidance

aspire to wisdom

demand (and show) respect

play freely

have fun

make pauses

become friend to myself

attract love

share gently


...fly without concern

DAY 365+27

brief recap and reaffirmation

So the last day of the year finally arrived and gone by. I have no way to enumerate all the significant things that past year has brought me. I am not sure I want to make a long list of achievements or the challenges I have faced up successfully (yet with much pain sometimes)

My main intention along 2012 was to embrace whatever could come to meet me. I wanted to go further than acceptance which to me is a more passive attitude, but I didn´t imagine that through this process my prejudices about who I should be and my true needs started to grow apart

I thought that by embracing my life I wouldn´t question my reality, but I have stopped questioning myself. This has been the main consequence of my practice this year: I´ve realized that I can´t embrace the rest of the world if I don´t embrace myself first. So I have started to validate my own feelings and be kind to me. This has made me understand that I have to love myself much more than I actually do. Love myself even amidst a lack of accomplishment, love myself even when there is not nothing important to tell, love myself even when I am fragile or wrong, love myself when I can´t show any distinction or merit...

Maybe because this has happened, today I don´t feel like making a list describing fleeting moments of awareness, days of sorrow, the sudden joy that has hit me so often, the sweet and increasing sense of belonging that I have be feeling, the lapses back into former frames of mind and the tender recovering that has forced me to get in touch with my most highest self, through vulnerability. I don´t need to take stock of this year (not anymore) to prove myself that it has been fruitful or to demonstrate that I am good enough

Almost every day I have came here with my raw emotions and I have dealt with them using what I had at hand: a trained mind to observe, my pensive mood, my introspective character, my ability for feeling joy and focusing on beauty, my wounded heart, my brave spirit. Moment after moment, step by step. This has helped me to close some doors and open new ones and for this I am grateful, but I don´t need to display my medals (not anymore).

This is not a highest, final or decisive point, it is just another stretch of my path towards a more intentional life.

The new year has come and I will try to honor and celebrate the old lessons and learn the new ones… patiently, compassionately, respectfully, reverently. Moment after moment, step by step.

Wishing you all the best in 2013. Much Love Z.