DAY 365+26

"The saying goes, 'The sage rests, truly rests and is at ease.'
This manifests itself in calmness and detachment, so that worries and distress cannot affect him, nothing unpleasant can disturb him, his Virtue is complete and his spirit is not stirred up." 

Chuang Tzu

After a stormy -yet, plentiful- year, I am finally having a rest. Not because I am doing nothing (physically speaking), but because I am finally relaxed after all the exertion

When many things are proving to be unhelpful this usually means that a change of mind is required. The problem is that we have to create the new mind frames using the old ones and this is complicated, but there is always a turning point where one starts to see clearly what one has to do, a sort of epiphany that show us the correct direction and then, making decisions become much easier

This has happened to me last month. The process of becoming aware of what was occurring in my life by getting in touch with myself (what I call here  my inner work) started long ago, but I have the feeling that I have conquered a new stage that will provide me with a deepest sense of serenity, based on joy, detachment and liberty

I have broken free from what was holding me back. Most of the tough issues have been processed, most of the hardest obstacles have been removed and now I can rest and prepare for a bountiful crop

I feel I am ready to accomplish whatever I dream of
...even when I still am not that wise

DAY 365+25

living with more intention

So here I am, doing what I usually do

Here I am, creating a practice that is indeed recreating my inner landscape, and leading me from awkward positions to those that can be sustained without damages or pain 

Here I am,  trying to feel like me, looking for tools and skills I can dip into, try out and find useful. And I am doing it through a conscious attentiveness

Day after day I look at my life without turning my face, I learn my lessons and go for more challenges as I feel this gives me power

The key is my practice. I have developed it over time. It doesn´t requires nothing very special, just time and a contemplative attitude that often is induced by some specific activity, like taking photos, writing, creating some art... 

Once I find the right mood I use those different ways to capture whatever comes to my mind and after that, there is a new reflection on those things that stand up for me. This usually takes me into a deeper dive 

My aim is focusing on intentional living, not on those things that may look great, important or impressive (even when they are trivial),  but on those which are relevant, those which are pertinent in order to live meaningful life
 
This process can be interesting and fast. Often, I see how patterns and explanations emerge quite easily and I experience a holy sense of understanding 

Even so, some of its moments can be tough, unexciting and achingly boring

From time to time I go back to some word, some image, and I become aware of a tiny precious truths about me and my life once and for all 

And I have the feeling that I am eschewing darkness one more time 

I have done this so many times that it is part of my everyday life and I have created a sort of ongoing practices that have  proved to be helpful. Now I am thinking of  sharing them here throughout the next year (you´ll find more information about those practices and the way I am planning to introduce them in the coming posts)

Would you join me in this new journey?

DAY 365+24

about my odd Xmas mood

I´ve been going over Christmas posts along the whole month. After each reading I have felt the urgency of doing things but it was  like a flickering flame that didn´t last because my determination was not strong enough and my actions were not compelling, but erratic

So finally I accepted that I didn´t want to celebrate a classy Christmas this year and also that my mood was not oriented to complicated preparations. And although I love amazing checking lists and terrific decorations I decided to give myself permission to take it easy

I didn´t go through all the boxes I have with Christmas objects, I did not write Chisrmas cards, I didn´t  look for new plates, candles or recipes. I only went shopping on Sunday morning and bought a few gifts. I went to the supermarket on Monday morning, with no plan in mind and I brought home what I found more appealing. In fact, I started to think about the Christmas meal along the Christmas eve

I left expectations aside and enjoy what every single minute was offering and guess what!, it was the most perfect day. Maybe because my contentment was not based on certain preconceived ideas about what to eat, what to wear, what to feel... I was just living and laughing and my relaxed state of mind created a simple joy that was more brilliant that the most brilliant and sparkling garland

Somehow this has been a Christmas made of patches of tradition, inventions, improvisation and lack of etiquette, it was warm and friendly, unusual, intimate and so amazingly delightful...

I am glad I´ve been strong enough to stay true to my wishes and kept simplicity by escaping from all the dramas (either they are trivial, baseless or fairly justified) that imprison my ability for enjoying the present moment as it is

And I did it, I certainly did it

DAY 365+23

gathering the fruits of awareness

So the prophecies about the end of the world have shown to be baseless. And here we are with a little bit of extra time, with an additional edition of our lives where we can be whoever we want to or do whatever we wish 

If yesterday would have been the last day of my life, many of my dreams would have been useless but also my sufferings, contradictions and false expectations. So why are they so important?

The metaphor of the rebirthing (so close to Christmas imaginary) holds this meaning: we can make up our mind, we can decide to let go those things that are an obstacle and prevent us from being happy. We can modify our attitude, we can choose and there is no need to die in order to do it. We only have to change those things we want to change and forget about the others

I don´t want to leave this world right now, I so much love life, but a refreshed version of my current life would be appealing. So I am going to imagine this week that I am rebirthing and awakening to it

I don´t want to alter the past, but I am going to leave it behind and fly. I am going to empower my true self and make the most of my days. I have embraced my life all this year, I have gone through amazingly beautiful territories and through dark ones, and I have lived every single experience that came to meet me, but it´s time to focus on the harvest: achieving wisdom and don´t give it the chance to turn into joy is disgraceful

In a few hours I´ll be 48 year old and I feel that this birthday is meant to be a true turning point. It is going to be a rebirth, I am sure. A whole world (the world that I created to survive, where I ended up to be secluded) will indeed finish to me. And I won´t look back

DAY 365+22

this moment is my master
 
I know that a kind of sadness has pervaded my latest writings so most of the persons that read them see this side of me even those who have been reading me for a time now. I would have this impression too in their case ... maybe because sorrow cause a deeper impact on us that contentment, or because the more recent feeling seem to be more authentic than the older one, when indeed, grief and gladness are not mutually exclusive and our daily life is a melting-pot of emotions 

We have many facets,  but when we insist on one of them for a time, persons around us are prone to forget the rest of them, simply because we omit their existence

This has happened to me lately. Many of my words have had a mist of pain. I´ve been solving some painful matters and I am somehow closing a cycle, something that it´s itself a great new but has a bittersweet side. This has made you want to show me your support. This makes my days much brighter. I feel so very grateful for having you all in my life. Every time I read one of your comments I start to connect to all my inner joy and to the tiny wisdom that I have achieved along my journey 

I can understand they have gone unnoticed as I am not giving them power at this moment, but believe me, I am not only the anguish and desolation that  I am letting be seen now, I am also the delight and amazement I have shown before. I am merriment and calm, peace and enthusiasm

In fact, I can be the flower and the bare branch, the melancholic moom and the vibrant sun

the rose and the thistle

the obverse and the reverse

I try to be present when I am this or that. I try to  live what is and not to feel attached to one or another: I have learnt not to judge how I am feeling too hard and to accept both of them as equally important

I am  peeling off the layers and letting the masks aside because I want to reach a positive mood without repressing what is moving inside me, this entails contradictory emotions, but I feel safe and serene

...at the end of a day,  I am a simple soul walking my path armed only with a bunch of words, my camera and a wishful heart

DAY 365+21

Sometimes I forget what I have experienced,
the world I live in and I still hope for what I believe are the right things

I am not awaiting for great deeds, I am not looking for global peace or the extinction of violence although I dream of them, I am realistic. I am talking about those little steps that we can take in order to get closer to them 

I still hope for a single smile when glances are exchanged

I still hope for tiny gestures of thankfulness or acknowledgement

I still hope for kindness

I still hope for tender hugs

I still hope for gentle touches

I still hope for warm words

and for beauty and radiance and joy and authenticity

I still hope for devotion and reverence

I still hope for inspiration

I still for hope arms wide open

I still hope for goodwill

and for intelligence, and generosity, and empathy and a sense of connection

I still hope for good sense and character

I still hope for calm and cooperation

I still hope for some new healing moments every day

But I don´t hope for them to be only aimed at me, but at every single person in this small planet

You may say it can be disappointing, often it has been so. In particular, when I hoped for them in the wrong places.  But, generally speaking,  my hopes have proved not to be baseless: I´ve  found tons of gentleness, gratitude, benevolence, cheerfulness and inventiveness in this life of mine. I only have had  to look in the right direction

  Maybe that´s why I still hope... I still hope for more

and this is not a condemnation, it´s my everyday worship

DAY 365+20

my path (revisited)

I have talked so much about this issue here. I don´t know how many posts I have written about it or how many photos  where I had captured this metaphor someway are published

I should get tired of it, but I am not. In fact,  I am fascinated by this idea. Not because it´s new or unique, but because it´s so illuminating. From this perspective, my life´s aim changes completely and that´s why I find it so appealing 

I love to think of me as a person who is exploring rather than suffering

learning things instead of bearing them

discovering new territories and not closing them down

appreciating what is around me

moving forward

taking new steps

accepting

embracing

enjoying

trusting my feet and my heart and going where they lead me

changing as soon as  the inner and outer landscape starts to do it 

going through stages and cycles with the eyes wide open, without rejecting any experience that comes to meet me  

cultivating self-knowledge and serenity while I walk

flowing in the flood of time

awakening to the miracle of being here

relinquishing to the victim mentality

giving up preconceived ideas and expectations

welcoming every second, every emotion

letting go the old sufferings, keeping only the wisdom they brought

connecting to the pace of every new day

feeling adventurous 

feeling amazed 

feeling at peace 

...feeling like a student the eventually will turn into a master in the art of living

DAY 365+19

back to calm

After the inner (and outer) storms that have recently brought pain and downheartedness to my little world, my negative attitude seems to be increasing: even when I am feeling less discouraged that weeks ago, I feel that I am paying more and more attention to the signs of hate, insanity and injustice and little by little I am forgetting to look on the bright side of life

Of course, there reasons to do it: life circumstances can be hard sometimes and every time I watch the news I only find new justifications for my attitude. But to be honest, this is not doing me any good. On the contrary, this is making me experience a sense of hopeless and a lack of direction

Hope is one of the most important tools we have to face the future and be confident about it, the only way we can counterbalance the bad things and stay positive. But hope is not something instinctive to many of us, it must be consciously cultivated

As for me hope comes from the appreciation of little things. This blog is also about that. It´s not only about finding my inner voice by exploring damaged territories and wounds that still hurt. It´s also about finding the beauty in unexpected places, it´s about keeping the inspiration...

Today I´ve decided to commit to focus on that side of my journey a little bit more, I so desperately need it!

So here I am, trying to pick up the thread of hope once again trough the tiny patches of grace, kindness and respect that I find along my path. They are the irrefutable proof that good things also happen

DAY 365+18

"This very moment is the perfect teacher,
and, lucky for us, it's with us wherever we go."

Pema Chodron

DAY 365+17

abundance amidst the chaos

As the situation in my country become worse and worse, I try harder to hold my peace of mind

Spain is going through a complicated crisis where we have to deal not only with economic problems. At this moment the structure of the state, as well as welfare and security are at stake. Not to talk about our future. The unemployment rate and social vulnerability increase every month. Persons that not so long ago were part of the middle class are now living on charity. And political corruption is simply unbelievable

As governmental employee, I still have a work, but I am suffering drastic cutbacks. They affect my salary, but also my rights. My husband has not been that fortunate, so we have lost most of our patrimony and savings. In spite of this, I still am lucky because I have a secure job, a roof on top of my head and a decent life

I won´t go into the reasons why this is happening in any depth because they are quite complex and are related to a wrong model of development which demands a meticulous analyze, suffice to say that the whole scene is disheartening. But what I hate more is the feeling of hopelessness. I am not going to say that there are not reasons to feel that way, there are tons of them, but it is becoming unbearable

However, I am determined not to give up. I have to go to work and stand up in front of seventy students that have no future with a smile in my face and try to do my best to make them learn and improve their professional competencies. I want to encourage them to be better persons and to struggle against this adverse context. I need to support my husband, my friends and others who are experiencing this disaster. I must be there for those who -apart from the crisis- are suffering illness and loss. I aspire to feel some joy. So I am not going to slip into permanent complain or meanness. I am not going to escape. I want to stay present right here, right now, and keep the belief that this life is leading me to a good place, even when it doesn´t seem so

Some of my coworkers, friends and relatives say to me that this attitude is the consolation of the fools. Maybe, but I think that I am simply pragmatic. I have to survive so I am adapting myself to these new challenges and focusing on what I am learning instead of on what I am losing. I am not denying reality, nor approving it, I am opting for what I find more healthy and useful. This is my duty and my privilege

Of course, this is not accidental: I am embarked on a personal journey that makes me look at my circumstances that way and this crisis is only reinforcing my commitment to live consciously. Even so, the list of what I have gained since this situation started is endless. Indeed, I am convinced that all the things I´ve gone through lately have helped me to discover some beautiful gifts

I can´t enumerate them all, but I´d like to name detachment, creativity, ability for acceptation and appreciation. Regardless of frustrated expectations and restrictions which are really hard, I truly believe that my existence is now even more authentic than before. I also feel that I am more in touch with my inner self than ever. And I know I am not the only one

Cross-posted at Vision and Verb, where I have been Guest Blogger this sunday. Many other women share their passion for creativity and words there, please visit them, it´s a wonderful site

DAY 365+16

"Speculation and constant judging will only limit what you see. 
Expand your sight by looking at everything in life as an opportunity to develop and transform yourself."

Shinjo Ito

DAY 365+15

windy days

Lately I´ve been feeling a bit downhearted and like a sort of weathervane which was moving to show how the atmosphere in my family was changing. There are many things that explain that, I am think I am quite clear about them. I have talked here many times, but let me list them once again:

 I have developed some co-dependent patterns due to my early experiences which involve the loss of my father when I was just a child, my life with my mother as a young widow after a very complicated marriage, my disabled brother and a sister with serious mental problems

I am part of a dysfunctional family where the rest of my siblings (I am the youngest one of seven brothers and sisters) have lived one way or another those circumstances and have developed their own patterns to survive. But they unlike me, seem  not to be struggling to change them even when they  can be unhealthy and are giving them problems

I -as many other persons living this kind of circumstances, including my siblings- have problems with setting boundaries. This can means that you infringe others boundaries or let others infringe yours, that´s what I usually do. This entails that even when my family doesn´t ask me so, I am prone to assume many responsibilities in order to give my mother and my brother the life I think they deserve or to protect them from their own fragility. 

According to my point of view when there are issues related to boundaries inside a family, like occurs in my family, caused -as in our case-  by previous conflicts, will always arise abusive behaviors. They will only make worse the whole situation unless the members become aware of what is happening. This kind of situations can be recognized and stopped but this needs participation and involvement, not negation. And this is the response of many of my family members

I used to think that I could change those responses but I have learned that there is no way to do it. Every time I try to deal with the situation and try to impose some kind of rationality, I fail. Of course, I always find some kind of support, I don´t know what I had done without having my sister in law, my oldest brother, some of my nephews and nieces or my fourth sister in my life, but we are not strong enough (or decisive enough) to turn the tables. It´s not anyone´s fault, this happens, in any case, due to a lack of consciousness. And this lack of consciousness makes my old patterns reemerge again.

Last weeks I have accepted that changing myself won´t change that situation and I have started to admit that I have to think of myself first (yes, I know)

I´ve so much yearned for some kind of "normality", that I was prone to forget my own priorities. This doesn´t mean that I haven´t done anything in my life except caring for my mom or dealing with my family issues (I don´t want you to see me as a martyr), it means that regardless my full life, my inner work, my awakening, my process of healing and all the things I had learned... something inside me still was telling me that my own needs, wishes and dreams were secondary comparing with my duty regarding my family demands, many of whom were self-imposed, by the way. But this  is not going to happen again

Now that my "blindness" has gone down, I can see much more clearly the real situation, and I have understood a few things:

There is not any drama

My family is not under my exclusive responsibility

I don´t have to be supervising the situation all the time

I want to help my mother and my brother but I will do according my own rules

It´s not selfishness try to make the things to be also on my own side

I don´t have to change anyone or to excuse for others behaviors

I don´t have to compensate others faults

I don´t have to protect my mom from the life she has to live but I can help her to take it easier

I don´t have to rescue anyone, except myself

I don´t want love resulting from self-sacrifice

I don´t want to be less generous, but I want to have more freedom

I won´t get involved in unhealthy dynamics trying to force some kind of normality or perfection (this is such a deception!)

I will accept things as they are

I will do my part, and other people should do their own one, if they want to, if not is none of my business

I won´t permit emotional blackmail or victim mentality

I won´t start disputes and I won´t try to change anyone´s mind, but I will act consequently

I will keep my own walk and keep on cultivating serenity and clarity

When I will make decisions, I´ll always analyze their impact on me and on my life

I won´t reject my sense of responsibility but I will balance it

I´ll make the best of the time I have to devote to my mom, I won´t complain (I´ve never have done it) , on the contrary, I´ll enjoy it as usual, but I won´t try to force others to do the same and I won´t break my own boundaries: it´s me who has to make decisions about my own life

DAY 365+14

willing to be carefree

Ten days ago I went to the isle where I was born and where my mother and the rest of my family still live in. I was there because my nephew was getting married and I took the opportunity to stay at a hotel with J. (instead of at my mom´s house) the night after the marriage. When we woke up we went for a walk near the hotel along the promenade... believe me or not this is something that I haven´t done during the last years as I usually have devoted most of my time to my mom

I love sharing my time with her and I feel the urge to help her to solve everyday problems (no matter if she asks me to do it or not) and this has been my liking and my function for so long now that I don´t feel uneasy. But now, even feeling that I want to keep on playing an important role in her life, I see how wrong I´ve been

This feeds an unhealthy dependence  and even when at the end of the day I am happy if she is happy (and being generous is important to me), most of the time this makes me work with an unbalanced approach of the matter that ends up being exhausting

When I am unbalanced (and to be honest, I often can be balance only when I am away) I don´t even consider to do something good for me as a walk with my camera, not to talk about going to have dinner with some of nieces or go to visit an exhibition. These simple things are  anathema to me, something that I vehemently reject

Now I see that my perspective regarding this issue has been totally distorted, in particular since I started to be afraid of my mother ageing (and her lose). The more I have become obsessed with that idea, the more I have restricted my outings when I have visited her but this has tried my patience when the situation became more complicated and finally, it has helped me to understand that maybe this is not necessary at all

Before I used to complain because I live far away from her, but now I have to admit that this simple fact has kept me safe. I can´t even imagine develop this whole dynamic, every single day considering its effects even when I go there only once a month or so

This has been a hard path to walk, but after all the events happened since past august, I have started to travel through acceptance and to understand that I can´t do nothing to hold my mom here. I can be with her twenty four hours per day and deprive myself of having my own life, but this won´t prevent her to leave. The only thing I am going to get is feeling drained, hopeless and depressed... and the lost of many chances to enjoy what is around me, including my time with her

I don´t know why it has taken me so long to understand this and I can´t really understand my blindness but it suddenly clicked: the richer my life is, the better the love I can give to my mom will be

So from now on I am determined to turn the tables and start to take a little time for myself when I am visiting my mom and my brother, just to do something that can be pleasant or appealing to me. Things that don´t need to involve them like going for a walk, taking some photos outside, having a tea while contemplating the sea or reading a book… 

 When I am there I have many wonderful moments with them, moments that I deeply love and cherish, and even moments of tranquility (just a few to be honest, but they exist) but I need to invert my tendency to forget my own requirements in order feel fully happy and serene which include space, solitude, fresh air, freedom and some lack of concern  

I am sure this will be for my own good 

DAY 365+13

recovering my power

This is my November´s contribution to photo-heart connection

I bought some hearts at the beginning of the month. I collect them and when Christmas is near there are more models available, so I always enjoy looking for new pieces along this time of the year

I started this collection long ago during a time of my life when I wanted to achieve some kind of balance, so I decided to use some symbols which could illustrate the kind of life I was dreaming of. I wanted to use them as a reminders and also as a way to attract it

Hearts were my way to say that I deserved love and I wouldn´t permit any abusive behavior. At that moment I was awaking to the reality of my life and I was dealing with serious issues about boundaries (read here if you want to know more)

As the collection has been increasing, my life has been changing. Of course, I have done many other things, but the constant presence of the hearts around me makes me remember my resolution and has acted as a "catalytic" of my responses. However, I haven´t chose this photo only because of that. This was my first idea when I looked through my November files a week ago or so, but when I came back to them, I felt another sort of connection

Lately, I´ve been dealing with family issues once again and I have felt how some of my old patterns were trying to reemerge. For a week or two -in the middle of past month- I was deeply influenced by them and I acted based on my fears and old conditionings. I simply was lost in the old, crazy, drama again and most of my family members were feeding my lack of control with their attitudes and demands. To make the things worse, my husband who works as a sort of counterweight when this happens, were working outside the country, so it took me more time to realize what I was doing. I ended up truly exhausted after my walk for those old territories. And ill (literally speaking), and damaged and disappointed and so, so sad

It´s my caretaking behavior when becomes obsessive which enables some  abuses to continue in my family. I am clear about this. I also assume my responsibility and I know that even when generally speaking abuse won´t stop (this is none of my business as it is beyond my means), I should not permit those things that directly affect me or use myself as a shield to prevent abuse against others. But to be honest, sometimes I can´t help doing it

I am tired of the whole matter, in particular after this last round. I still have to struggle against relapses and against others expectations and their pretentions and this is consuming my energy.  I know that I have walked a long path and I feel that I am able to keep the balance and avoid chaos but I would like not to feel this way never again 

I would love to be more steadfast in the love for my self and this is what I felt when I saw this photo. I have accepted that is me who makes decisions about my own life, but I still have to appreciate my own integrity (physical and emotionally speaking) a bit more

PS: When I talk about my family here I am referring to my family of origing 

DAY 365+12

"It is strange to be here. The mystery never leaves you alone. 
Behind your image, below your words, above your thoughts, the silence of another world waits. A world lives within you. No one else can bring you news of this inner world. "

John O'Donohue