DAY 342

my story matters

I write this tiny note to myself and hanged on my inspiration board a few months ago or so. When I sat down at my working table the first day after my visit to my mom I noticed it and I realized that I was starting to believe it to be true

Indeed, late events have proved that my story is important in more than one sense:

Firstly, because as any other story, it includes past events and the facts about what I have lived but also, my emotions, perspectives and viewpoints and the outline of my battles and learning

Secondly, because all that happens to me and it´s not trivial or irrelevant, it´s something that must be validated instead of ignored, something that claims respect

Thirdly, because it reveals the argument of my soul´s journey, indeed my story has lead me here, to this precise moment and place, to this incipient bliss and heart´s ease

After these thoughts, I run my eyes over the whole board and I read many other loose words that were invoking the mood I was dreaming of when I was creating it. Words like visibility, gratitude, authenticity, gifts, serenity, lightness, confidence, clarity, love, calm. Words that described feelings that I had imagined to be much more far away from me

But surprisingly, they were not...

I had always found my aspirations difficult and often there was a shadow of doubt and somehow, deep inside me I was unwilling to believe that I could be destined for this, that all these words could belong to me

Obviously my persistence has been important and determinant, but the true turning point in this process was the moment when I started to let go my resistance, when I started to believe that I could deserve what I was looking for, that I could be what I wanted to 

This started to happen a year ago or so and has become a increasing certainty along the latest months and it is making a true difference: right now I am starting to gather my harvest. And it´s sweet my friends, so very sweet

Note: this would have been my photo-heart connection of september, but I didn´t link it to the site because I am still behind in my blog posts

DAY 341

"Forget not that the earth likes to feel your bare feet
and the winds long to play with your hair." 

Kahlil Gibran


I am so looking forward my walks with my camera!.  At the moment I am catching up with my work and only have time for brief outings. Hopefully I´ll have time to go out and enjoy my wanderings on daily basis soon... 

DAY 340

back to my place

When I edited this photo I was thinking of writing a different caption, something like back to my life or back to my home, but finally I decided they were not accurate enough because looking after my mom is not an adjacent task, something apart from the rest of my life, and at her house I feel at home

I think the current caption describes much better my circumstances and illustrates my situation on a more precise way because indeed, this is my place 

This is sure enough, the site from where I develop my goals and project myself; the site where I seek shelter and my hideout; the site where I have collected the evidences of my journey and where I find the right atmosphere to do all the things I love so deeply: pray, meditate, create, enjoy silence, update my inner work, read and study, write down my musings and so on. In short, this is the site where I elaborate and process my external experiences and I also prepare myself for the outside battles

Regardless its functions, this is not a hermetic place, it is not insulated, nor protected from outside influences... on the contrary, it is quite open and permeable. It is enriched with all the things I bring from the outer world but works as a sort of sieve that allows me to separate coarser from finer energies... this is the reason why this is my place: because here I can keep up with my inner path

Here I´ve been able to integrate my recent experiences and feel uplifted, in exchange for it, I have brought the following:

A sense of fulfillment and self-realization

Joy coming from the achievement of some goals that had been long time postponed

Peace and tranquility

A fresh impetus oriented to new initiatives

Tenderness

Detachment related to some old stories

New perception of me, I trust myself more than ever before

Awareness of my real strength

Confidence in the future

A strong feeling that something good is about to happen


I know intuitively that a circle is closing and here, from my place, I can see glimpses of a more authentic, serene and enlightened stage


PS: I am behind with my blog due to my life circumstances. I am transcribing my impressions of previous days in order to catch up with my posts

DAY 339

taking one step forward

I have left my mom´s house

I have left the well known routines and habits and all the things that are so dear to me, the little details that characterize our everyday life, either the way we prepare and serve our meals or the way we make beds

And also the plants in their pots (poinsettia is flowering again!) and all the things that prove the presence of my mom in the house: the smell of baby cologne, table clothes, handmade courtains, cushions and bedspreads, many of them with big silk bows; old cards and photos everywhere, antique books and china objects... tiny mementos of a whole life

She has managed to leave her mark all around and where other people could see anachronic customs or worthless trifles, I only see love, dedication and intention

Things won´t be as they used to be anymore, as my mom is much more needy than before. I will miss the existence we had. I will miss be back and stay alone with my mom and my brother and develop the way of life we have shared for so long

However, I am quite happy. They are living a better life now at their own house (in fact, the life they deserve) and hopefully the ladies that are looking after them will appreciate what my mother has created and will keep the spirit of our home

DAY 338

this moment

These last days have been chaotic. On Saturday I had a meeting with my siblings to talk about what I was planning to do. I wasn´t asking their permission, I was only giving them the appropriate information

Finally I decided to look for professional help to cover my brother and mother daily needs. We are not going to take turns looking after them, because the situation is too complex. They are going to have professional assistance on regular basis, indeed three persons are going to be working at my mom´s house because they need constant watchfulness

Till now they (mom and brother) have been reluctant to accept this kind of attention, because even when they have mobility problems they have also certain autonomy and help each other, but now my brother has a broken leg and there is not another way to guarantee them a decent, gentle and efficient attention, only this one

To be honest, I haven´t been too enthusiastic, either. My sense of responsibility, my need to do more than I can really do, and my tendency to look for solutions that fit what I have in mind, instead of accepting things as they are, were playing dirty tricks on me. But my brother situation forced me to face up reality:

they are too vulnerable to be alone

I cannot help more than I am currently helping

my siblings have a varied attitude and some of them don´t want to take their responsibility and I don´t want to keep motivating  them or creating situations to save them from their own decisions at my expense... not anymore

It was not easy to assume all this,  but once I saw clear in my mind I knew the only way I could help my mom and my brother (and liberate myself) was hiring specialized professionals. So last days I´ve been busy making phone calls, rearranging the house, buying all the things they will need and the most important meeting with the applicants in order to select the best ones and try them during the first days of this week

As usual I have found difficult to ask for help but I think this time I have managed the situation much better, I could be able to count on some of my sisters, my sister in law, and some of my nieces and nephews. They have been so helpful and such a great support...

At this moment there are three ladies working in shifts at my mom´s house. They look reliable and also, very gentle and I am praying that they are as good workers and persons as they seem to be

I don´t know why, but I have the feeling that now that I have acted from my center, that I am more aligned with my life as it is, my future will be brighter. I know that problems will arrive but I have the feeling that battles ahead won´t be so bloody. I guess this is the power of consciousness


PS: I am behind with my blog due to my life circumstances. I am transcribing my impressions of previous days in order to catch up with my posts

DAY 337

"The most sublime truth of all
has never been stated or written or sung.
Not because it is far away and can not be reached,
but because it is so intimately close,
closer than anything that can be spoken.
It is alive as the stillness in the core of your being
too close to be described, too close to be objectified,
too close to be known in the usual way of knowledge.
The truth of who you are is yours already.
It is already present... "

Gangaji

DAY 336

"What am I, really?
The beautiful thing is nobody can tell us what we are. Nobody can really tell us. Not in a way that’s going to be satisfactory to us. Our true nature is self-authenticating. When we bump into our true nature, it authenticates itself. Something inside us knows. This is what has been sought for, longed for, looked for. This is it. Usually, it’s not what we expected… "

Adyashanti

PS: I am behind with my blog due to my life circumstances. I am transcribing my impressions of previous days in order to catch up with my posts

DAY 335

message

This is not the kind of photo I usually publish. Indeed, I don´t like it very much. But this was the first thing I saw when I awakened and looked through the window the first day I stayed at my  mom´s house (I came to visit her a few days ago to look for a solution to the current situation)

There is a big building work in progress in front of her house, they are destroying a bridge to build a bigger one. I was looking at it almost asleep, when I realized the profound symbolism of the whole process, and in particular, of these two signs

It was like the universe were talking to me and reaffirming the decisions I made before I took the plane. It was like it was telling me, don´t go through the old way, it´s narrow and problematic, try another road

Along the days, when I´ve felt blocked or been afraid of having a relapse into my mind´s old frames, I´ve gone to the window and I´ve observed what was happening on that road: often we have to break free from old structure in order to create new and effective one

Fear of change is a deeply rooted fear, that´s why some times we need a prompt to acknowledge that change is needed and can be for our own good

This was the reminder I needed. Am I lucky?


PS: I am behind with my blog due to my life circumstances. I am transcribing my impressions of previous days in order to catch up with my posts

DAY 334

"Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry
the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children."

Kahlil Gibran

DAY 333

response to sorrow

... Too sad (worried, angry, disappointed... you name it) to keep on walking?. Don´t try to reason why this or that is happening. Stop and go with the flow 

This is maybe the hardest lesson I have had to learn, I so much wanted life to be as I expected. I´ve been most of my life making forceful efforts to change whatever could happen, I had always a better plan... that´s why along many years I´ve made my way with so much difficulty. I was simply disowning my own process, including the gifts that this life of mine holds and creating a sense of depersonalization and loss of identity in which my true self seemed unreal

But now I know that there are many circumstances that I can not control. Indeed, life unfolds freely without my permission so the only thing I can do is accept and act consequently

I have understood that I don´t have to fight to get free, I only have to live life as it is, without judging it, and this has been the liberation that I had been searching for so long

Now I truly believe that life is generous and gives me what I need to learn my lessons and evolve if I don´t reject what it offers me. And instead, I live consciously

Of course, this is not always easy but the circumstances I am currently living  (see previous posts) are proving me that I have finally internalized this way of thinking. Regardless, what hard this time can be, I am fully accepting it 

PS: I am behind with my blog due to my life circumstances. I am transcribing my impressions of previous days in order to catch up with my posts

DAY 332

musing on self-esteem

DAY 331

the magic of the present moment II

I´ve been meditating and looking for ways to solve my mom and brother situation, but the whole strategy came to my mind when I managed be back to my center through everyday tasks

My kitty´s illness forced me to stay at home (when I was ready to run away to my mom´s house) and J. forced me to stop my mind and focus on what really matters. Even when he was quite far away, he knows me well and reminded me all the way I have covered since I started my inner work and he made me notice that I was working with my old mind frames

So along the weekend I started to let the anxiety go and I was able to visualize what I could do. I have commented it on my previous posts but now I want to go into some details

When I was alone, moving around the house, cleaning, lighting my candles, praying for help, I realized that I had to keep my mom and my brother at home, regardless what my siblings could think and design a system to provide them with the attentions they needed. I saw clearly that the only way they could stay together and preserve their dignity was to hire professional caregivers twenty four hours per day, because this was the only way constant cares could be guaranteed

I felt deep inside me that this was the right solution. Not only because it´s not easy to find out institutional cares in the place where they live, but because this was the best way to preserve their way of living and keep them safe

The last time I visited my mom by chance (four days before my brother fell down), I didn´t like what I saw.  The person who was looking after her and the house was not careful enough. When I arrived that Saturday, my mother and my brother were alone, the meal was not enough for a whole weekend, my mother was sitting in her nightdress because no one came help her to change her clothes, and I felt she was very disoriented, the fridge was empty... I felt devastated, because they look like they were alone in the world

As a Latin family we are prone to expect that family members assume these kind of responsibilities. I myself have been reluctant to accept that most of my family members are not going to take those responsibilities even when I know my family so well (!). I think cultural influence and my need to rescue them from their own actions has been the reason why I haven´t been able to make new decisions, but now I am clear about the whole thing: once I saw this new chance, I understood how wrong I´ve been along this last year

 No regrets, I did my best but now it´s time to move on, my friends. And believe me, I won´t be back


PS: I am behind with my blog due to my life circumstances. I am transcribing my impressions of previous days in order to catch up with my posts

DAY 330

the magic of the present moment

The more anxious I am, the more I need to focus on the simple acts of life

When I was younger, I usually thought that this was a kind of irresponsibility. I wanted to understand and was prone to analyze thoroughly every single event of my life, but often not those that really mattered. I was too cerebral and intense but I didn´t have the key that could make this really useful: a sense of being, a true connection with my inner self

I am still fond of this kind of analysis (I need so much to become familiar with the ins and outs of events and facts that I can be exhausting). However, I try to make it from a more balanced viewpoint, discarding preconceived ideas and the pretentions of my ego

Apart from this, now I know that I can also get answers from other circles or spheres, so I try to create room to listen to them. When I want to do this I start to make little things with much care. That promotes a sort of meditative state where I am able to get in touch with a true wisdom which comes from a not so mental or physical dimension, but from more ethereal or intangible one

...This way washing some pieces of fruit and placing them inside a pretty bowl can trigger a sort of epiphany where I awake to a new understanding of things

PS: I am behind with my blog due to my life circumstances. I am transcribing my impressions of previous days in order to catch up with my posts

DAY 329

I finally see with the eyes of my soul

Exhausted. sad, worried, devastated... that´s the way I´ve been feeling the last couple of days

My mood was ruined, my nerves were in tatters and my life seemed to be falling apart. I was feeling paralyzed with fear and uncertainty... shocked

The attitudes and opinions of my siblings were not helping me, they were even more frightened than me due to the direction my mother´s life had taken. They had also succumbed to the temptation to dramatize and were carrying me out of my center

I was totally disconcerted and disturbed when I had a moment of sudden revelation and I saw this could be the perfect chance of making decisions and creating new dynamics. The perfect chance of exploring new possibilities... the perfect chance of rearranging old routines. The only thing I had to do was stop seeing what had happened as a drama and start to see it as an opportunity. So simple, so difficult!

This has helped me to realize that even when I use to say everything happens for a reason, often I forget to find out the meanings and messages behind the facts and get lost in an emotional bog. I truly believe that these circumstances are teaching me that I am able to overcome my old blockages and living according my new beliefs

PS: I am behind with my blog due to my life circumstances. I am transcribing my impressions of previous days in order to catch up with my posts

DAY 328

"The mind creates the abyss, 
the heart crosses it"

Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

DAY 327

time to let go

I have had to stay this weekend at home even when I have planned to go to my mom´s house due to events I´ve described in my previous post

It has been hard for me to stay here taking care of my cat, even when I know that this is what I had (and wanted) to do. I am so used to running home every time my mother has a problem that is strange allowing others to be in charge of her and my brother

To be honest, this has been an amazing experience. Somehow I have completed a whole stage this week related to my need to rescue them even if this means abandoning my own needs.The  sense of being under a constant pressure is low now and I have the feeling that my cat illness has created the room I needed to think and decide

It´s strange how a chain of unfortunate circumstances is giving me a new chance to keep on healing and finally take this vicious circle to pieces. Of course I am not happy: my brother has broken his leg, my mom is feeling lost without him, my cat is ill and I know that I will do what I have to do in order to fix this situation... but thinking about doing things when and how I want to do them and not feeling guilty because I am not behaving like I use to do it, is simply great 

I´ve been praying that I could be free from this insane behaviors, that I could help without breaking my own pace and violating my own needs, that I could be able to give them support without neglecting my own life... and I think my prayers have been heard 

A few months ago, I wouldn´t have imagined that I would stay at home without going mad or overdramatizing things, that I would be able to keep –most of the time- a sane and realistic attitude to this problem. I  wouldn´t have imagined that I could slacken the reins, rearrange my priorities considering what I really need at a given  moment, but now  I am doing it

Instead of being totally unhinged, I am taking time for doing those things that calm me down (like messing around with my photos) while I am planning future strategies 

I feel so relieved. I truly think this is a step forward…

PS: I am behind with my post. I am transcribing my impressions of previous days 

DAY 326

raising light

This week has been a kind of mess. My brother fell down and broken his leg. He is still at the hospital. As he is the main caregiver of my mom this has created a very complicated situation. The professional help she has now is not enough so we must rearrange all their care system because he has a long recovering time ahead. He has always lived with her (he is a disabled person with a high level of autonomy, partly thanks to my mom´s efforts) and now as she usually says, he has become her hands and her feet, so they are both downhearted. On the other hand, my best friend had to have an operation due to a serious health issue

Yesterday when I was preparing my suitcase to fly to my mom´s house, one of my cats started to feel bad. I felt very frightened because I started to see blood stains all along the corridor. The vet said it was a cystitis, but she is fourteen years old and the risk of kidney complication was high. Now she is taking antibiotics and other pills and she is feeling better. Of course, I didn´t take the plane, I couldn´t leave her alone because, do you know what? my husband is working outside the country -quite far away- this week (!)

So today I am praying. I am praying for my brother and my mom, I am praying that they will be together again soon. I am praying for my best friend and her speedy recovery. I am praying for my cat. I am praying for my husband, who is working hard to make our life better. And I am praying for me. I am praying that I won´t forget all the things I have learned. I am praying that I will be able to help, to keep my sense of things, make my best and stay centered

DAY 325

I wish I could be a candle… at least, today

"You are like a candle. Imagine you are sending light out all around you. All your words, thoughts and actions are going in many directions. If you say something kind, your kind words go in many directions, and you yourself go with them. We are ...transforming and continuing in a different form at every moment." 

Thich Nhat Hanh

DAY 324

reinterpreting an old melody 

Every time I see an interesting window I ask myself what stories can it hide. The house is the space where the family´s play takes place, indeed, what we call home is deeply linked to our memories, and some well settled routines

When I was a girl I always dreamed about having a doll house, but I never got it (I am sure I didn´t even ask for it, so no complicated feelings about this). It was like a secret project that I developed privately, thinking of the moment that I would be able to have it. As I was a very imaginative girl, I started to realize some projects of my dreamed doll house. I made some rudimentary sketches and finally I came up with a way to represent the house in a more realistic way

I used two poster boards. I used one to draw the vertical projection of the front inner side of the house, where all the rooms were amazingly detailed. And the other poster board was used to draw the vertical projection of the front facade, with doors and windows that could be opened. And the I put the first poster board behind the other.  I expended countless hours with these projects and every house was related to a particular story that conditioned the decoration. I don´t know how many alternative lives were imagined by me, but I guess most of them were projections of my wishes for the future.

I remember asking myself: what if I change this or that detail of the house or of the story?  and how I started to re-create one depending on the changes on the other. I needed that sort of consistence so deeply...

I think that my love for finding out the existing links between psychological and real spaces, the influence of spaces on people´s mood and vice versa  comes from that age. This is now part of my field of interest as a researcher (thirty odd years later!). Indeed,  I´ve investigated a lot on the educative potential of certain contexts and about how certain ways to plan and decorate spaces can make us move in certain direction 

Public and private spaces can be a statement about who we are but also about who we want to be. If we live surrounded of things that remind us what we want to achieve and we design our house to make room for the life we are dreaming of (and not for the life we are trying to leave behind) we will get an awesome fresh impetus to our dreams. Just give a try, it works

PS. In case you´re wondering if I finally got my doll house, my answer is yes!. In fact, I am working on it at this moment. And according to my previous ideas, I have planned it as a decorative treat at my house that links me to my story, my gifts and the life I want to live. And remaining faithful to my origins, I have imagined a story that makes sense: it´s the house of a bohemian spiritual seeker

DAY 323

musing on creativity

DAY 322

another way to be industrious

I have always considered myself to be a procrastinator, because I delay and postpone actions quite often. There have been a variety of reasons underlying this belief, that still remain: 

I want to be so sure that I am doing the right thing, that I can end up being indecisive

I am prone to have more running projects than time, so it takes me time to achieve some of my goals

I always fluctuate between passion and duty, so my motivation to tackle those projects depends on what is my position (passionate or responsible) at a given moment

I am a prolific person who has lots of interests and likes to move to a project to another, instead of start and finish tidily

Moreover, I love to intertwine those projects even when they seem too be far apart

When I was much younger, I didn´t like these tendencies. I so wanted to be organized and to focus all my attention on one only thing... but after reading a few works about cognitive styles, I understood that I am like a busy bee, going from one flower to another in order to create my own product made of mixed materials (maybe this is the reason why I am so fond of collages)

Through the reading of those works I discovered that maybe my supposed tendency to procrastinate was not so true as I used to think, but even so,  I wasn´t still happy with myself and the way I managed my time

Thinking of it I noticed another characteristic  that could make me look (and behave) like a procrastinator: I have a fabulous instinct to know when come in or out of a project or how to deal with it (and I am not thinking only in terms of time). When I don´t want to keep up with something, I want to alter my pace or the way I approach some issues is because something inside me tells me that is not the right moment or shows me that a changes are needed 

Obviously, I could see the positive side of this peculiarity but I haven´t appreciated this ability till recently. A couple of months ago I read an article (sorry I don´t remember reference data, right now) that defended that being a procrastinator and being someone who "incubates" ideas and plans is not exactly the same. The procrastinator is afraid to fail and has serious problems to bring projects to a successful conclusion, but those who incubate (incubators?) are connected to their inner wisdom and give time to projects to mature or to unfold appropriately. This opened my mind to a new reality and gave me a new cognition of myself, so now I am trying to be more respectful toward the way I perceive that kind of things

Guess what? Even when I permit myself to postpone, my actions are now timelier and more pertinent than ever before

DAY 321

being in the right place

I´ve been so prone to look for outer validation as a sign of love, to forget my needs in the search for others approval, to confuse love and pity and to link my self-esteem and sacrifice, that when I started to feel compassion, kindness and support for myself, I was totally amazed by the purity of those feeling and I was overcome with clarity. And I realized that I was worth far more than I was giving myself credit for

Make the choice to truly love myself and finding my place here hasn´t been easy, it´s still not easy. It´s a work in progress, it´s an everyday challenge, a constant struggle, a very arduous work... but it´s also the most powerful practice one can develop. Through it I permit myself to be myself, I permit myself to use my own voice and follow my heart;  to let my gifts emerge and feel proud of them;  to stay true to who I am and embrace myself as a whole

This has made me change and growth and deal with many issues that I wouldn´t have faced up, otherwise. Luckily there are always role models that help us along the way, like my two kitties that have taught me so much about boundaries, acceptance and authenticity

I know it may sound strange but if you have any pet at home I´m sure you know what I am talking about

DAY 320

about faith in others

Lately I have realized that issues related to confidence are giving me a lot of trouble. I have talked here about control, about boundaries, perfectionism, and my need to be in charge of almost everything. And also, about my need to please others and how I feel overly responsible for things that can be delegated to somebody else, in particular for those concerning my mom

I have read enough, to know that I might have been in some way codependent. Indeed my family fulfill all the requirements to be considered a dysfunctional family: addictions, emotional abuse, presence of family members suffering from both mental and physical illness, so it´s not so strange that I developed co-dependent behaviors, that I have healed along the years

But there is also a dash of sorrow and anger that remains, and whatever I do, it doesn´t vanish. For some time now, I´ve been asking myself, why this happens if I can be now much more relaxed, less rigid and I starting to flow with my life, and I have realized that is matter of confidence

At this moment I don´t experience a sense of reward from "being needed" and sacrifice my own needs, not anymore. And I don´t look for things outside of myself to feel better, either. I have learned to trust myself and my own process, too. But I still feel a lack of trust in others. Somehow, I don´t think they can do what they really need or take care of themselves, or make right decisions to carry on our shared projects as I expect, so I am prone to check and my cares become compulsive and defeating

Truth be told, I have lived situations that have led me to have these attitudes, but I should move forward and let go those experiences because if I don´t do so, some way or another I´ll keep with my repeated rescue attempts and I end up feeling choiceless and exhausted

I should rather to make an effort to increase my confidence in everyone and in particular in those who I think are needy and accept that they must make their own choices even when they can be wrong (according to my point of view) because this is not about me, it´s about them and their path 

Of course, the more I understand my co-dependent tendencies, the better I cope with its effects, indeed I have changed many unhealthy patterns, but I still find difficult to realize when I am going too far and I moving from giving support to do more than I should, to admit that I have to stop, regardless if others are trustworthy or not, because this is about me and my path, about me and my life, about me and my own needs

It´s  not that easy, at least not for me, but I am more aware of all this now  than ever before, and this must mean something, must mean that I am in the right way... hope so


PS: If you want to learn more about codependency, follow this link 

DAY 319

I am longing for a simple life

with a little garden with aromatic herbs,

homemade cinnamon rolls and

bunches of lavender hanged from the kitchen´s ceiling


A well-tended orchard,

marmalade jars lined up in a dark larder and

the roses rustle in the gentle breeze of the morning


Unpaired cups and shabby furniture,

old books on the chairs,

a woolen shawl to keep my back warm and

 sleepy cats on a striped cushion


Lovely napkins and

little bouquets of wild flowers


I am longing for a simple, quiet and industrious life

with time to bury my hands in the earth,

time to pray and time to work


Time to contemplate undulating fields around the house,

time to cultivate silence and be helpful


Time to move gently through my days

time to write letters and spread the joy


Time to unfold my spirit without being in a hurry

time to make meaningful pauses and  seeing the grass growing



I am not having that kind of existence for the time being, but I can see glimpses of it here and there regardless my current style of life.  I am recreating its essence with the materials I have right now, right here.  And through that recreation I am discovering that the life I am longing for is not a static vignette of a perfect life that must be imitated, it´s rather a state of mind that must be acknowledged

Nevertheless, I am sure this mood will attract what is missing, don´t you think so?

DAY 318

"When you recover or discover something
that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life."

Jean Bolen

DAY 317

the firm knot of time

I´ve created this diptych for my August photo-heart connection. Ive used a couple of photos of a series I´ve taken a few weeks ago. I´ve cropped them in order to show just these beads that look like dices and have letters on them instead of numbers

Since I viewed the whole series for the very first time I knew that I felt a great sense of connection, but initially I though that I would chosen a whole photo where there are -apart from the beads- some little shells and a piece of wood polished by sea (see here). However, when I started to view them again, I realized that I felt particularly connected to the beds and the words they are forming

I am a artsy girl, you know, so I´ve always collected stuff that could be eventually part of future creative projects. Often, when I am at home, I take time to look through my drawers and find little treasures that I have been stored along the years. As I have more imagination than time, I think I will never finish all the projects I have in mind. Nevertheless, it´s worth having tons of craft materials because it´s a pleasure to look at them and simply imagine what kind of things could I be making. Sometimes, I even start to play with some items and I create improvised collages that don´t last, just for fun

I have the feeling that this photo is so close to my heart because:

It pays tribute to those little trifles that give me so much joy

It´s linked to my love for craft projects that has been a safety valve since I was a little girl and spent my afternoons drawing

It talks about my great (and endless) love for making collages of any kind, including photo-mosaics

It composes a phrase that is deeply related to my current journey : being kind to ourselves and others is undoubtedly the key of any personal healing process

And last, but not least, it trace a line between past and present revealing my true essence

DAY 316

what´s behind a closed window?

Dreams and secrets

deceptions

a calm conversation

a moment of celebration

laughs and tears

beautiful furniture and a gloom atmosphere

a book forgotten on a chair

hopes and disappointments

silence

a big lamp and a slow clock

dirtiness

cobwebs and oblivion

provisional quietness

cold feelings and quarrels

normality

misunderstandings

affection and cuddles

joy and peace

solitude

a tangible stress

a cat dreaming a sweet dream

darkness 

emptiness

tenderness  

Who knows? Only the ones which are inside

Facade and inner space don´t have to match or harmonize attractively. This happens with houses, but also with organizations and persons, but we are prone to think just the opposite. Whereas a beautiful windows doesn´t hide always a wonderful room, an apparently perfect family can hide deeply distressing experiences and a good-looking person can have a not very pretty soul

The most important thing in order to heal is not how beautiful things look like from outside, but how the things are inside. The sooner we can accept this, the sooner we will start to move forward. Pretending not to see how things really are, sweetening our life and deceiving ourselves won´t help us in the long term . This doesn´t mean washing our dirty linen in public, so to speak, or being overly dramatic and becoming an egocentric, just being sincere, honest and authentic

This will allow us to appreciate our gifts and learn the invaluable lessons that come from pain and sorrow and also, to move where conciousness dwells

DAY 315

musing on being present

favourite photo monday: stillness

DAY 314

"What is most important is to go deep into ourselves
and discover the loving kindness and compassion of the buddha within - the awakened nature we all possess."

Shinjo Ito

DAY 313

celebrate through peacekeeping

For a time now, all my meditation and inner work have been shaken for a powerful acknowledgement: my wish to bow down to what happens

I am not talking about the understanding of this principle which, according to my opinion, is the basis of any healing journey. I am talking about a deepest need to do it. This need started after a powerful class I took a few months ago and  it came to me like a sudden awaken to the importance of this issue

This made me change completely my mind about it. Before this happens, I knew that bowing down to what happens was advisable (indeed I have written a few posts about it) but I had accepted it mainly intellectually. This means that I had came to that practice through reasoning. But now, I have the sense that my mind and my heart have been aligned and I can experience the true meaning and aim of that affirmation

What I lived during that class was the most amazing and intense feeling I´ve ever had. It started like a little voice which whispered: bow down to the Universe, bow down to its power and this came accompanied by a profound sense of being truly loved that let me overwhelmed

This voice has became clearer and louder every passing  day  and now I can hear it not only along my meditation and inner work, but even along my daily life and its message is much more specific 

It says the same that it said the first day: bow down to the Universe, bow down to its power but also,

bow down to what is

bow down to your destiny

bow down to your path

bow down to your gifts

bow down to your mistakes

bow down to your anger

bow down to your sorrow

bow down to complicated days

bow down to your intuition

bow down to universe´s wisdom

bow down to what you´re experiencing right now

bow down to hope

bow down to your story

bow down to everyone´s path

bow down to your weakness

bow down to your reluctance

bow down to magnificence of life

bow down to beauty

bow down to patience

bow down to your current existence

bow down to guidance

bow down to change

bow down to uncertainty

bow down to love

bow down to time

bow down to your own process

bow down to your spiritual connection

bow down to clarity 

bow down to your own power   

bow down...


When I hear it now I don´t feel rebellious, I feel appeased, because I have understood that when I do what it is asking for, I move forward but when I refuse, I come to a standstill. Maybe because when we bow down to whatever is happening, we bow down to the divine plan that makes us a better version of ourselves