DAY 159

musing on everyday life

DAY158

I am still here

When my body says enough is enough

When my mind starts to demand some peace

When I am emotionally overwhelmed

I am still here

When my joy wants to desert me

When I feel downhearted and truly uninspired

When I can´t bring myself to start a new project

I am still here

When my fondest wishes seem to fade away

And I don´t even have the strength enough to add adjectives to my life, in order to portray my experiences, attitudes and behaviors... or to start to change things

I am still here growing and evolving regardless the outer incidents

Just because, my external circumstances, what happens to me, my feelings and thoughts are not what I am

DAY 157

systemic

As far as I am concerned, every moment previous to this one depends on the present one, in the same way that the present moment exists thanks to those which have happened before

All the persons depend on the preexisting context, in the same way that our world as we know it, is the outcome of the existence of every single human being who has lived here

My story and culture determine my responses and attitudes, in the same way that my behaviors make them evolve and change

The outlines of my life are directly related to my inner scape, in the same way that it turns out to be more rich as result of my daily experiences

Past, present and future; context and actors; community and individual; nature and society; education and genetic; soul issues and everyday issues; universe and ordinary daily life; persons and any other living beings; young people and old people; outside and inside... are indeed, interdependent, this means: each of them shows a mutual dependence on the other

We live in a system which is a whole, indeed we live in a network of systems each of one involves a set of elements working together in a interconnected way

We may think that our existence has nothing to do with the world around us and vice versa, but this is not totally true. We influence on it and it influences on us, as we are one of those elements

The sooner we begging to accept it, the sooner we´ll understand the currents that underlie our life and the sooner we´ll learn to sail through them

DAY 156

lastingness

"Time is the substance from which I am made. Time is a river which carries me along, but I am the river; it is a tiger that devours me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire that consumes me, but I am the fire."

Jorge Luis Borges

DAY 155

dilemma

I am letting go past and trying to preserve memories,
I am staying here, today, and trying not to forget,
I am living the now and trying to honor my inheritance,
I am focusing on the present and trying to keep my learnings,
I am living today, not tomorrow or yesterday, and trying to conserve my own story


I am here and there... and still dreaming, but I have the feeling that this doesn´t mean attachment


Maybe I have learnt to travel throughout time without ties,
Maybe I have done a balancing act to walk along the tightrope of my imperfect past,
Maybe I have worked miracles and am able to think about the future just as a pleasure and not as a way to escape


I don´t know... but lessons and hopes don´t move me from my inner center as violently as they did before, and this is good… so good


here: me in the park and my Japanese bell (used to clean the energy inside the house)

DAY 154

I still can remember

Many international organizations have warned about a young generation without memories. When the older generations which are currently living in this planet (people who know well the 20th century) have been disappeared, their memories of the ancient times could be irreversibly lost. Of course, this has always happened but not in such a brief term

This is much more serious if we take into account that now we have means that would allow us to keep them safe, once the traditional way to do it (oral transmission inside the family) is not working anymore. This wouldn´t be exactly the same but could help to preserve the everyday -and personal- story that won´t be included in official History and pass it on, using alternative channels

Indeed, this could be the only way we have to conserve our immaterial inheritance. Obviously, this would demand a great interest in what happened before we arrived to this place, and I am not even sure that this interest exists, at least in youngest generations

How will be our lives if finally we are not able to do it? Rootlessness, shallowness and emptiness (in the worst sense of the word) come to my mind...

Maybe I am too pessimist, but I am afraid that in a not so far day, the word "past" will be a gateway to nowhere

DAY 153

the past

I´ve always thought that I needed the past in order to examine in detail my identity and understand myself better, but till recently I haven´t realized how much the past needs me.

Someday, I won´t be here anymore... who is going to remember it then?

Who will remember all the things I have treasured about my family saga, all the anecdotes I know about so many passages of our story?

Who will remember the experiences (and memories) of my great grandparents, my grandparents and my parents or the characteristics of the world where they lived in?

Who will remember their precious lives which helped to construct the framework of an entire age?

They did so much and were so unique. Even when I only know a tiny part of their stories, I am fascinated by it. The everyday life of my old relatives (and many other anonymous persons), their fights, dreams and hopes have led us till today. They deserve to be remembered as individual beings (not diffuse entities in a history book), and -as long as we can- we must preserve their memory... but it seems to me that this won´t be possible for the medium term

My youngest students (which are twenty something) can´t hardly imagine a world without new technologies, where men and women had to struggle fiercely to get what they wanted; where all the things they take for granted (education, leisure, nice clothes and even good foods) were luxuries and  everyone had to come to this world, give birth to their sons and daughters and say goodbye at home... and -generally speaking- they don´t want to know anything about it 

It´s not their fault, they have been educated to think that they are the future (and future is the only thing that matters), but this makes our traditional heritage, and the way we have been weaving our knowledge of the world till now, to be at risk 

 So I can´t help asking to myself: who will open the book of the past and read it´s lessons from now on?

DAY 152

buddhahood


"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, not to anticipate the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly"

DAY 151

in the kitchen

I wouldn´t say I am a good cook. My mother, some of my sisters and my oldest brother are good cooks, but not me. I can make some nice meals, but nothing too striking... I´ve started too late to practice, so I opt for simplicity, maybe because I think I am not too patient or skilful (even when this is not necessarily true) 

The reason why I started so late (regardless my crazy schedules) is that having a proper meal haven´t been one of my priorities till recently. Indeed, I haven´t started to cook my daily meal on regular basis till a few years ago and even nowadays, sometimes I skip a main meal and have a tiny snack, instead

I try not to do it, and if I do it I try to have something healthy, but for the moment I haven´t managed to keep a real meal routine. So, my strategy is keeping an uncomplicated style. This means: fast traditional Mediterranean plates, that I can do with ease using mainly fresh veggies, olive oil, herbs and spices...

In spite of everything, I find that in my kitchen I experience the quintessence of mindful awakening.

Smells, shapes and colors are amazingly appealing and a feast for the senses and this strengthens the appreciation of beauty

My mind and body are interconnected and present during the process

I am focused on every tiny task, instead of on big achievements and the long term future is out of place. Cooking and eating is something that happens in the now

During the time that I am cutting, sautéing or kneading I also marinate my memories, anger, expectations and any other feelings in order to understand them better

Energy is transformed and is for my own good

My activity leads me to receive nourishment and relish the moment

I serve foods, a bit of love and meanwhile, I recover the best part of me

here: garlic and bay leaves

DAY 150

the friendly rescuer

After staying in my mom´s house, I´ve been so sad... in particular on Monday

I woke up very early that day,  I went to the airport and, after arriving, I went straight to work. I focused on my tasks, I know that I need my whole mind to be effective while I am teaching, but every time I took a tiny break I couldn´t stop thinking of my mother

The following days were not much better: I stayed working from morning to late in the evening, and I came to my house exhausted and not very glad. But every single day this awesome soul was waiting for me, happy to see me no matter if my mood was miserable, if I was absent-minded or I was too tired to play a bit. She followed me around the house purring and looking at me with this patient gaze, that seems to say that I still have to learn a lot. And every single day I felt a lot better after serving her meal, talking to her, listening her answers (yes, I know...) and accepting some cuddles.

She has been doing this for me throughout almost fourteen years. She is so timid and docile that always makes me want to protect her, but she also protects me her way. Indeed, she keeps me safe from the consequences of bad days using her sweet disposition and her placidity. Lucky me!

DAY 149

the intervening time 

When days are too busy
and I have a neverending list of things to do

When my students look like absent
and I have the feeling that I can´t do nothing to awake their attention

When the timetable can´t be rearranged to make a break
and every single minute seems to be full with obligations

When I would like to be singing life´s praises
but I have to be dealing with administrative problems which are alien to my work

When the sense of unease calls for a pause
but I have to ignore it because is time to check a new paper

When I would like to be creating something
but I have to be in a long and improductive meetings

When I work madly along the whole day
and I arrive home and have to keep on working

When restlessness competes against serenity
and my mind longs for peace

When I can´t find any motivation in what I am doing
and my soul claims a change

I try to don´t care too much by my lack of contentment: I take a deep breath and I think about the flowers that somewhere are waiting for me

... and this simple act brings back the hope

DAY 148

"My love is fluid, flexible, committed, creative.
My love allows people and events to unfold as they need. My love is not controlling. It does not dictate or demand. My love allows those I love the freedom to assume the forms most true to them. I release all those I love from my preconceptions of their path. I allow them the dignity of self-definition while I offer them a constant love that is every variable in shape"

Julia Cameron

DAY 147

love versus attachment (second take)


Quite often the way we love is pervaded with preconceived ideas about the persons we love, our relationship and even about love itself

This creates a strange mixture composed of high expectations and generosity enough to face disappointment up. Usually, this can lead us to swing from a need of control to magnanimity, from persuasion to forgiveness, from joy to dissatisfaction, from connection to distress, from restrictions to aperture... and while we carry out this complex dance we run the risk to ruin the play

Of course, we can learn to develop this process in a softer and pleasant way, the only thing we need is conscience and perseverance

Love is mainly acceptance. Not in a insane way: acceptance is not incompatible with boundaries and doesn´t mean passivity or submissiveness, but in a wise way

When we love we have to be ready to welcome unexpected circumstances, strange twist of fate and simple changes. We can´t run away (physically or emotionally) every time we don´t like the direction that life is taking. We have to cultivate mindfulness and presence. We have to be flexible and benevolent (even with ourselves). And clever enough to look for new strategies in order to keep on living and loving much

This is not easy at all. But in love, as in other fields of our lives, a good understanding of the fact that present moment is the only moment we have  comes with the practice

DAY 146

love versus attachment

Before coming to my mom´s house I was talking to some of my students about their practical. They explained me the strategies they were using in order to deal with a collective which suffers mental diseases and the difficulties they were facing when it comes to stay tranquil, regardless their behavior

After analyzing methodically their responses to different circumstances, they concluded that what they were doing was bring to a normal estate extraordinary or uncommon situations. Indeed, their reasoning was quite pertinent and I felt very glad, because it showed a great ability to adapt and excellent professional competences

I don´t know exactly why, along our seminar, we tackled the attachment issues, but the thing is that we came to the conclusion that they don´t permit us (either if we are professionals dealing with sick people or common persons caring a relative) to normalize the process that those persons are living

I didn´t know at that precise time, that my mother´s situation could bring back this conversation to my memory, but it happened. Yesterday night, when I went to bed I returned to it and I saw its relevance

Of course an affectionate relationship is basic in order to help the person who is ageing, but our fondness shouldn´t prevent us to let the person be just who is at this exact moment. It´s essential that we be able to permit them to flow with their own life

It can be not easy to let go the person they used to be (the person we love, our old acquaintance), but this will give us a great gift: the chance of welcoming a new way to be connected with each other...

DAY 145

fragility


I´m visiting my mother this weekend

Once again I am thinking about how difficult is to stand on vulnerability without feeling helpless. I truly believe that this is the only way I can deal with my mother´s current situation and play a positive role in this stage of her life. Her weakness shakes my world and makes me feel emotionally exposed but I know that deny this feelings would entail a sort of separation

I don´t want to pretend that my mother is not advanced in years and is loosing her autonomy (even when her mind is still acute), I don´t want to run away or to show a fake tranquility, since I am feeling deeply affected by this situation but I don´t want to be overly dramatic or look too hopeless either. Obviously, this wouldn´t be good

I want to stay tranquil, I want to be ready to give help every time she needs me, I want to enjoy the precious moments we share, I want to be supportive, compassionate, patience and blissful. And mainly, I don´t want to feel discouraged because my mother is walking her own path, on the contrary, I would like to help her to do it nicely and wisely

But, to be honest, I find quite complex to keep a happy balance. Anyway, I keep on looking for it. Meanwhile, I am doing my best to make it easier for her to go through this period of her life

Maybe, this should be enough…

DAY 144

musing on life

DAY 143

"You are led
through your lifetime
 by the inner learning creature,
the playful spiritual being that is your real self.

Don't turn away
from possible futures
before you're certain you don't have
anything to learn from them.

You're always free to change your mind and
choose a different future, or
a different past."

Richard Bach

DAY 142

I´ll go wherever life will take me

Lately, I have talked about making changes and about creating new routines in order to make more room for the things I love in my life (and also to enjoy more the things I have to do compulsory, most of which I truly love, like teaching, taking care of my house, paying attention to my family and so on but lost their charm when I am overwhelmed)

Curiously, I haven´t stated explicitly -although the idea is implicit in all my writings- what is the heart of all this seeking and what I really –and specifically- wish for my future. Thanks to wishcasting Wednesday, I am considering this question today…

There are so many things related to my current need to grow, evolve, move forward, create, explore, live fully, embrace, develop my talents, heal, show compassion, give a response to this life using my soul voice, walk consciously, be gentle, accept my gifts, experience spiritual connection...

But if I have to give only a brief declaration today of the main point of what I am looking for, I would say: 

I simple wish for a better capacity for flow with my true nature

DAY 141

back to work

After two weeks sick, I am taking up again my working routine. This means hectic schedule, many classes and lots of papers to check; never ending meetings and limited time for eating. And also seminars with my students where I can laugh and enjoy teaching...

Nevertheless, I´ve made a note to myself, in order to remember all the things I´ve been thinking about lately:

I would like to be punctual when I come in, but also when I go out

I am going to program my appointments to have plenty of time to make a little break between them

I want to be up to date with my tasks so I´ll try to concentrate on the most pressing and important issues

I won´t accept new challenges that are time´s thieves

I will bring my midmorning snack and lunch from home, homey food can mend a bad day

I want to keep my faith in what I do and what I believe my work and university should be

I will be patient and gentle

I won´t get involved in not rewarding tasks that ruin my hopes and mood

I will cultivate my assertiveness but I won´t forget my empathy

I´ll try to complain less and construct more

I would like to focus on the positive side of my functions, lately I´ve been feeling a bit disappointed with my work, but I know that negativity is not the answer

I am not going to fight battles that lead me to nowhere

I´ll try not to be hypercritical

I´m going to drink fresh water

I am not going to infringe my boundaries: emotional ease and physical health are important

I will make my best to preserve my energy, I don´t want to end up exhausted every single day

I will give thanks for all the good things that I have at work

I won´t forget a book to read while I travel by tram

I would like to preserve my kindness regardless the atmosphere, roughness can be infectious

I´ll speak with my own voice

DAY 140

noon

We don´t appreciate all the amazing wonders around us. At least, I have the feeling that I don´t usually do it as much as I should

I was busy preparing my lunch, and when I was cutting up some veggies into pieces to make a ratatouille, suddenly, I was stunned by the perfect beauty of this zucchini.

I paid attention to the print of its skin which was a job worthy of the better artist and to its harmonious design whose delicacy and mastery are undeniable, and then I realized that after feeding my soul, it would provide a delicate savor to my meal and also lots of vitamin A, C and potassium...

Later on, while I was eating my ratatouille, which I served with rice and a fried egg, I saw the white and green pieces (I left the skin in place) and I remembered the previous tiny epiphany. So I gave thanks for that sudden moment of great revelation -that will live forever thanks to my camera-, for the precious zucchini which made my day and I blessed my food which tasted just delicious

After doing it, I noticed how long have I been without pausing before meal to give thanks for the good things in my life and on my table, something that my mother taught me so long ago... and I understood that this simple squash was meant to remind me something extraordinary: when I say a blessing before my meal, I acknowledge the presence of the entire universe supporting my existence (as the Buddhist peoples say)

DAY 139

this is life

a great tiredness that enclose a new dawn of energy

doubts that open new paths

gifts hidden in common places

a declining beauty that proves to be more beautiful than exultant beauty

pain that helps us to bow down to our destiny

shocking contradictions that make our days more appealing

a vulnerability that can be powerful

disappointments that reveal us our true wishes

fear

a complete and paradoxical trust

unexpected rifts that involve the appearance of an amazing joy

odd playmates that force us to be the better version of ourselves

failures that bring us back to our purpose

tenacious hope that makes us get out of the bed once and again

a sudden distress that disclose our emotional landscape

a stunning passion that can be compassionate

a certain decrepitude that makes us braver

changes that are blessings

forgiveness

displeasures that temper our strictness

incidental situations that redirect the reason for our existence

miraculous light, challenging shadows

obstinate wisdom and intrepid happiness, walking hand in hand

the unafraid acceptance of simplicity

a tiny felicity that comes from nowhere

a long, narrow crack

the ravages of time

willpower

the sweet pulsate of love

a state of spiritual blessedness that captures us when less expected

the tireless exercise of keep on walking come rain or come shine

day after day, step by step

... life after life

DAY 138

"If you think of the universe as a vast electrical sea
in which you are immersed and from which you are formed, opening to your creativity changes you from something bobbing in that sea to a more fully functioning, more conscious, more cooperative part of that ecosystem"

Julia Cameron


here: before and after of my wreath made of textile remnants

DAY 137

serenity made by hand
 
Two weeks ago, or so, I created a wreath made of textile remnants (I´ll publish more photos of it later on), it was a fantastic therapy and I realized how much I miss my crafts. When I am without creating anything for a while because I am too busy with my work and/or with another creative tasks like photography, that makes me training my vision and makes me walk -which is fantastic- but demands another kind of skills when editing,  I feel like I am missing something

That day, I decided that I shouldn´t be so much time without making things with my own two hands, it´s so amusing and relaxing... but time is short and maybe organization is not my strong point, or is simply a question of mathematic: I am interested in so many things, that I can´t devote myself to every one of them on regular basis

Anyway, today, while I was processing these photos, I´ve remembered the contentment I felt that day and I am resolved to make room for this as I need it so much. I know I´ve talked about this (making room for the things I love) before, and I know it´s not easy for the reasons mentioned above, but looking forward I can see that I have taken some steps already and somehow, I have the feeling  that my determination has increased along the last two weeks that I have stayed at home due to my sickness

So I will keep on rearranging my timetable using the same strategy. I am not going to make great changes as I usually did (I am prone to be overly ambitious). Instead of this, I am thinking of establishing a "weekly craft morning" so to say, and maybe publishing some photos. I´ve kept this blog updated and also my weekly photo walks (a thing that I thought I couldn´t afford) so maybe it´s time to take new step…

Apart from this, these photos also have made me think about the great importance of creativity in my life as a stunning healing force. And mainly about my mother and our relationship, because a good part of it is based on our shared love for these everyday pleasures. I will talk about it on future posts

DAY 136

what I say to myself 
(and I want to say to you)

Thanks to this project I have challenged myself to take creative (and visible to everyone) self-portraits along 2012

February self-portraits have drove me- by chance- to focus on the idea of self-knowledge and self-confidence, so somehow this has became the "leitmotif" in my them. This is the last portrait of February’s series (see others here and here). I´ve been considering the words I wanted to add for a while, that´s the reason why I am publishing it so late

From the very beginning, I thought about the quote that I finally added, but even when the idea of being unique was very appealing, it was making me feel uneasy at the same time. While I was examining in detail this affirmation in order to understand why I was having those contradictory sentiments, I discovered the following:

When I talk about uniqueness, I am not talking about greatness or brilliance. Lately I´ve been revisiting my need of great achievements because -even when I accomplish amazing things- quite often it is also a way to prove that I am fabulous (so I deserve love) and makes me feel discontent

When I talk about uniqueness, I am not talking about talent or awesomeness. I have discovered, that I need to feel the relief of being no one special, because being "this one special" is a burden that takes me to a never-ending path which prevent me to savor my accomplishments, and -paradoxically- makes me feel underappreciated

When I talk about uniqueness I am not talking about success or power. I know that being always trying to beat my own boundaries leads me to a break-point where I feel restless, angry and prone to harshly judging myself (and others)

When I am talking about uniqueness I am talking about being me, this "little me" whose joyfulness doesn´t depend on gorgeous achievements

I am talking about allowing myself to be nothing but an ordinary person, even when this means I might fail

I am talking about cultivating self-respect regardless my uncertainties and weakness

I am talking about doing my best but without forgetting what I deeply value and enjoy

In short, I am talking about accepting that every single person can be exceptional and unrepeatable and deserves to be appreciated and loved as she/he is… because if I permit my whole existence to be squeezed by my need of a stereotyped magnificence, I simply will miss my life

DAY 135

what is your spirit wishing for?

This time the Wishcasting Wednesday question couldn´t come in a better moment. These weeks I´ve been feeling that I need a complete renewal in order to update my inner energy, restore balance, prioritize and make a real room for the things I love, because, till now, I´ve been cramming them into a overburdened timetable, often creating confusion and anxiety

I feel that I have to rearrange my everyday life to comprise those wishes because even when I am making true efforts to pay attention to my inner voice and to stay true to it, this is having a strong emotional effect on my life and, from time to time, I feel overwhelmed

But, of course, previous to this I have to clarify what those wishes really are 

Generally speaking my spirit is wishing for spreading its wings to fly away. And specifically, my spirit is wishing for clarity, truth and authenticity, 

 for aperture and fresh air,

 for fulfillment and serenity

My spirit is wishing for lightness to move fast,

 for time to develop its own purpose and ways to do it nicely and wisely

My spirit is wishing for more meaningful tasks and more visibility,

 for miracles and kindred spirits 

My spirit is wishing for keeping on evolving and living life at its own pace 

DAY 134

musing on indulgence

DAY 133

the gift


Today´s my husband´s birthday. As I am still ill, I haven´t been able to prepare a celebration. He has understood it, but this has made me feel useless and incompetent and all day long I´ve been feeling irritable and touchy and guilty (I know...)

At the end, I´ve realized that my attitude was making the situation worse because he didn´t want nothing but seeing me happy and tranquil. So I decided to give him the only gift he is asking for: a moment of peace

To tell you the truth, I had to search my inner background to find the calm but late in the evening, I stopped complaining and I let him prepare his own birthday dinner

I was wearing my pajamas and had not a beautifully wrapped gift with a lovely card, we had not guest, and we had not a birthday cake, either... just a few snacks and a bottle of good red wine

I drank a toast to him, my husband smiled and said he didn´t need anything else (how generous is this!) and I thought that this birthday was as good as any other one, something that seemed inconceivable only a few hours ago
 Life can be sweet, my friends... if we only could let go our preconceived ideas about how it should be...

DAY 132

the art of resting

We live in a society that seems to think that having a good rest is a waste of time

This is a terrible reinforce for those of us whose frames of mind are oriented to achievement. Paradoxically we also live in a society that makes constant speeches about wellbeing, integral self-care and equilibrium... but quite often, this means more work, more obligations and a gateway to a even more hectic life.  Indeed, this is a determining factor which can move us to make and achieve more, and more, and more, and not a balancing factor

We seek constant challenge and we struggle to do more and when we want to relax, we just have to do even more. We usually end up with a never-ending list of activities that must be completed in order to feel happy, fulfilled, successful, healthy, fit and beautiful... and no one seems to know that the only thing we need to do is to slow down and pause for breath

Hiatuses are vital if we don´t want our body to break down under the strain caused by overloaded of tasks. But this simple solution seems not to be good enough to us: how are we going to define (and appreciate) ourselves if we are not doing anything?

At least, it has not been good enough to me at all... till this week. But the restorative power of rest (as I have realized) is undeniable, it does help us to improve health and  recoup balance

Obviously, I am talking of true repose. I am talking about setting aside time for resting, time for slumber and naps. Time for a true relief from all our activities. Time for ease life and leisure, for calmness and peace... time for tranquility and solace... 

I´ve been letting my many obligations infringe on my respite time but the flu has placed it in the right position,  and now I can see how wrong I was. So please, don´t do like me, don´t wait to be ill to practice the forgotten art of resting

DAY 131

hardness and vulnerability

As I said, these days I am dealing with my reluctance to accept help. I truly believe that life lessons come to us once and again till we start to learn them, so this is not the first time I´ve had to deal with this issue, but maybe it´s the first time I am taking it seriously

According to my experience when I become aware of the great importance of a lesson, I am ready to learn it and when this happens I usually reach a crisis point that means I am in a position to move forward

This time the crisis point came in a health crisis form: my flu has been accompanied by bronchitis, sinus, pharyngitis, cough and tiredness, my defenses and my morale are low... so much so that my doctor has signed a sick leave for two consecutive weeks

Apart from making me feel a bit miserable (sickness always make this effect on me), this crisis has made me awake to a deep wish to change my mind and my way of life. So along these days, I´ve been trying to focus not only on the importance of making and achieving (which is my usual bias) but also, on the importance of giving myself a much-needed break and freeing myself from the burden of perfectionism

This is not being easy. I appreciate the process and consider it to be positive but I am experiencing many contradictory sentiments not all good, to be honest. Even when I keep telling myself: "when I embrace help, I become more powerful", the truth is that I also feel –deep inside me- needy and dependent when I do it, and this makes me feel angry... so very angry!

Anger is not a nice path mate, but I take comfort from the positive side of this story:

I am slowly moving from resistance to acceptance

I am starting to believe that I am worthy of help and generosity

I am gaining  balance while I permit others to take care of me

I am inviting the flow of kindness in my life

I am welcoming a sense of humbleness  


I am starting to believe I deserve love

DAY 130

flexibility is strength

Every time I fall ill, I ask myself the same question: why I have no problem helping others and I find so hard to accept help (not to talk about asking for it) even when I need it badly?

Regardless how ill I can be feeling, both delegating and trusting are difficult to me.  I can´t easily let go control of my usual roles or allow others to lend a hand  and this doesn´t ease  the situation.  I know that rejecting help is not the best way to heal and experience a speedy recovery, but even when my mind tells me so, I can´t help doing it    

Obviously, this has to do with some of my personality characteristics as my demanding (and self-demanding) attitude or my reserved temperament and also, with my need of approval. Of course, this is all about my life story and one of my deepest beliefs consisting of keeping out others of my problems as I have to be strong and independent in order to be respected (and be loved)

This time (I am still suffering this bad flu) the same old feelings came to the surface once again but I have experienced some tiny changes. I don´t know if the reason why this is happening is because the flu is truly strong or because I am learning to do things better, but I didn´t feel I need to tough it out on my own... at least not all the time

This has involved a significant difference regarding previous situations: I allowed myself to be comforted and let my husband step in and handle the situation.  Indeed, I´ve made a conscious effort to accept the gift of assistance, and even when this seems to be only a baby step, I am quite glad because I am learning not to block other people from supporting me

I have acknowledged that when I try to do everything alone, I am not being strong, but weak. On the contrary, when I am flexible enough to give away for my need of controlling everything, I am being not only strong, but wise


I hope this learning will last long...

DAY 129

life as it is

It´s time for Photo-Heart Connection, again. Before opening my images files and making my selection, I was trying to figure out what sort of photo could be closer to my heart this time... lot of soft and peaceful shots came to my mind, pictures of a serene existence that I treasure even when my everyday life seems to be not always compatible with it

But when I opened the files, those images were not able to awake the sense of connection I was looking for:  I´ve been feeling ill all month long (indeed, I am still sick and am having a strong flu at this moment), this has disrupted my usual pace -I feel so very tired!- and I have the sense that I have to catch up with many things, so calm images couldn´t evoke my current sentiments

To be honest, while I was looking at them, I felt like my heart were half asleep... but suddenly it leaped at this concrete image, that was not on my radar. I stopped a bit and the more I looked at it, the more it showed itself to be the right one.

These are the reasons why I think this happens:

I see real life here. As big, unexpected, imperfect, bright as it is for me

I see real beauty here. As natural, no contrived, alive and changing as it is when I look at myself

I see real strenght here. As contradictory, fragile, vulnerable and tough as my own strenght is

I see real harmonization here. As complicated, delicate, subtle and amazing as my achievements regarding this issue are

I see real hope here. As promising, uplifting, cheerful and elusive as only the real hope can be

And I see real me here, behind my camera. As strong, joyful, curious, precise and motivated as I know I am