DAY 128

being fierce in the softer side of life

I would describe myself as someone who is fierce -understood as intense, strong and relentless- in many fields of my life. So much so that I have to be very careful, because I can go beyond fierceness and start to be obsessive and tireless (in the worst meaning of the word). According to this, part of my inner work has been aimed at balancing this intensity, since it´s mainly focused on what I think are my duties, and not on my true wishes

At the very beginning I found it very hard (I can see a lot of myself in such intensity... ) but once I understood that I could change the focus of this forcefulness to a more delicate and subtle -yet real- view of life, it started to be easier

So when I first read this week Wishcasting Wednesday question: where do you wish to be fierce?,  an immediate response came to my mind:

I am fierce in doing the right thing. I am fierce in accepting responsibilities, making decisions and trying to make a good work. I am fierce in defending justice. I am fierce in caring of those I love. I am fierce in being in charge. I am fierce in being methodic, analytic and perfectionist. I am fierce in being self-demanding and serious. I am fierce in being reliable... 

I wish to be fierce in clarity and  serenity
I wish to be fierce in keeping an open heart and a open mind

I wish to be fierce in passion, laugh, spontaneity and playfulness
I wish to be fierce in being true to myself as a whole being

I wish to be fierce in gentleness, kindness, patience and compassion
I wish to be fierce in taking tender care of myself


I wish to be fierce in love...

DAY 127

buddhahood

"With a free mind, in no debt,
enjoy what has been given to you.
Get rid of the tendency to judge yourself
above, below, or equal to others"

DAY 126

"When you accept help, 
listen to other ideas and let someone else do things for you, you are stronger, not vulnerable. You can accomplish more. You get better results. You are appreciated and respected for who you are as well as what you great things you do"

Marcia Reynolds

DAY 125

musing on consciousness

DAY 124

crystallized ginger

From time to time I suffer a fever outbreak. After weeks working hard, or a strong emotional stress, I normally end up feeling exhausted but I am not wise enough to take a rest each time. Sometimes I notice that, but often I don´t become fully aware of my tiredness. However, my body seems to know when I need to stop and it manages to force me to do it

When this happens (and today is one of those days)  I stay collapsed with fever during a whole day (terribly, I know)

I´ve been dealing with this all my life and I have been through different stages:

When I was a child I just felt ill and a bit unhappy

Along my early youth and later on, this made me feel angry, I used to take a pill and keep on working

Now, I listen to my body, I know this is an alarm bell. So I take the opportunity to stay quiet at home, I cover myself with a soft blanket, drink water and infusions, I watch my favorite series on television, I complain a bit about how bad I feel, eat some treats and mainly I sleep a lot.

Next step: Learn to stop and have a rest, each time I need it (without running a fever)

DAY 123

the girl inside


The memories of our past can shape our present motivation, so we have to pay attention to the past episodes of our lives that can be conditioning our present responses. 

As I had to grow too fast, I´ve never been able to take the freedom to play and act childish. So the little child I was still resides within me and wants to be listened. I think that all the persons who have had to be over responsible and haven´t had the chance to grow and mature in a normal sequence of events have the same problem.

For a long time I´ve thought that being adult was to be sophisticated, serious and task-oriented rather than be imaginative, joyful, sensitive and loving, but this biased perspective didn´t help me very much to feel "normally" or to enjoy my life.

Till I understood that I was only suppressing the problem, and I was not giving a true response to it, I didn´t start to move forward. I had to accept that I hadn´t learnt to spend time each day in pleasure and joy and somehow I had to integrate the unease feeling that this was causing me.

That´s when I started to deal with the idea of the inner child. I´m not going to talk about how the inner child come into being, as it is a complex issue, but the thing is that when I found some nurturing messages that I could give her, I started to feel calmed down.

These are the messages that makes her (me) feel appeased:

Don´t be so serious about life

Take time to do the things you want to do

Take risks

Have fun each day

Enjoy the small things in life

Permit someone else to care for you

Let the creativity reigns

Cultivate a sense of wonderment

Don´t seek to please others

Set limits

Express your feelings, even when they seem to be overly sentimental

Be true to yourself and honest with others about who you are

Slow down and let go anger

Love and accept love

Be proud of who you are

Take time for yourself

Help others and accept others helping you

Enjoy your life with no guilt feeling

Honor your story

Let your fantasy life emerges

Don´t be afraid to play

Laugh at your mistakes

Keep your eyes open to beauty

Do your duty and don´t forget to have a good time

here: an old cup given by my sister in law to my mother (she gave it subsequently to me). It belonged to her grandmother

DAY 122

it´s cold outside, you know... 
 it´s winter 


here, this means that full flowers and bare branches are sharing a common space

but something is changing:

the light has a different quality even the grey days

nights are shorter

colors are brighter

my heart beats at a slightly fast speed...

spring is near

To everything there is a season. So be it

DAY 121

how do you wish to spend your time?

Wishcasting Wednesday  question is so appealing this week. My whole being awakened when I first read it

I wish to spend my time walking through beauty

I wish to spend my time creating

I wish to spend my time taking care of myself

I wish to spend my time helping others to be aware of themselves and their journey

I wish to spend my time being present with those I love

I wish to spend my time exploring my inner world

I wish to spend my time improving my connection with highest self

I wish to spend my time enjoying every minute of it

I wish to spend my time developing my gifts and talents

I wish to spend my time preserving (and strengthening)

the links to my beloved one

I wish to spend my time keeping a warm atmosphere at home

I wish to spend my time achieving peace and serenity

I wish to spend my time embracing life

DAY 120

after leaving from the Chrysalis

This is me today

After all the struggles and the unease that I felt,

after the pain and the sorrow,

the work and the desperate need of being loved


After all the years trying to fit somewhere,

running, escaping...


After the bitter disappointments

and the sense of not being enough


After accepting those who really care for me,

after the tears and the misunderstanding,

after learning to claim myself

and setting my boundaries


After going through darkness

and awaken to light


After starting to speak with my own voice

and finding my own place...


I feared I could get lost or ruined

but here I am, pretty alive and walking gently my path


Here I am, just me... today

DAY 119

piled up

I am planning a photo at home, I open a cupboard, I am looking for a plate because I am preparing myself a midmorning snack while I am thinking how to take it. On the top of the shelf there are lots of unmatched bowls

Some are recent finds, some are quite old... I love their soft and useful concavity, so I can´t resist a new one

There are so many facts about myself contained within this pile of bowls: 

I adore mixing and matching

I keep things because they bring back sweet memories to me

I like to eat little portions of many things

I don´t believe that old and even worn-out objects are necessarily ugly

I think beauty doesn´t involve (but doesn´t exclude, either) the exclusiveness of a trade mark or a design

I love things due to their form, colors, textures and usefulness regardless age, authorship or price

I am fond of symbolic meanings of the objects that are around me

Needless to say, I ate my snack and stopped planning: sometimes the nicest capture turns up when you less expect it 

DAY 118

glorious morning

Life always give us new reasons to smile if we open our heart to the unknown

If we won´t reject the gifts we find by the roadside, we will discover that this is the best way to honor our past experiences and those who shared them with us

Sometimes, grief makes us want to protect from future suffering, but when we close the door to pain, we close it also to love and joy

Nature teaches us that we have to expose ourselves to cycles and seasons once and again, we will experience loss, but also invaluable rewards and graces

here: the resident cat and the blessed kitty are starting to be acquainted with each other

DAY 117

chiaroscuro

Last weeks I have been feeling exhausted. Apart from little epiphanies, I have felt tired, anxious and a bit downhearted. I don´t know exactly why... probably due to tiredness itself

I´ve been also upset by my own behave, because instead of facing up my own discontent through a more conscious attitude, I´ve been keeping only a slightly daily routine. Of course, I´ve been very busy but also, a bit absent. And doing all things that make me feel even worse: complaining, working without taking any break, procrastinating and forgetting my schedules and priorities

I´ve been having the feeling that I was losing touch with my inner being without putting things right. On the contrary, somehow I was gloating over it 


This happens to me easily, when I start this way it seems that I am not able to stop, this triggers all my perfectionism patterns and I feel worse and worse every passing second. Obviously, while I am being reactive to this sort of situations (rather than creating a new response) I am not  able to change my mood 


It takes me days (less and less each time, is true) realizing what I´m doing wrong, but quite often what happens is that I am not accepting my own unease, the fact that I am not going to be well, inspired, joyful and serene all the time (regardless as much as I can increase the quantity of my inner work)

I´m not totally clear about how overcome this recurrent situations: maybe the secret is to be patient and perseverant...  or maybe the secret is not to think that I need to overcome it: life is a process which involves moments of awaken and grey days following by instants of connection, the sense of being lost and unexpected messages and miracles and what is really important is the feeling that we are where we should be rain or shine

... because even the darkest day can enclose a treasure

DAY 116

I pray

"Oh, Great Spirit,
whose voice I hear in the winds
and whose breath gives life to all the world, hear me.
I am small and weak.
I need your strength and wisdom.

Let me walk in beauty and make my eyes
ever behold the red and purple sunset.
Make my hands respect the things you have made
and my ears sharp to hear your voice.
Make me wise so that I may understand
the things you have taught my people.
Let me learn the lessons you have hidden
in every leaf and rock.

I seek strength, not to be superior to my brother,
but to fight my greatest enemy - myself.
Make me always ready to come to you
with clean hands and straight eyes,
so when life fades, as the fading sunset,
my spirit will come to you
without shame." 

Chief Yellow Lark, American Indian - Lakota

DAY 115

feeling good

Day was being long, cold and filled with laborious tasks which are not very motivating: my new students don´t seem to be very interested in educational planning because they are too young to understand what it really involves (it can be understandable, I know) and I have to make my best to make it a bit more appealing (this is part of my work once again, I know)... but at the end of the day I always feel exhausted

On the way home I stopped a minute at the tiny grocery around the corner to buy something and unexpectedly I came into a world of color completely different from the grey outer atmosphere. The owner had brought together lots of veggies in a few shelves, there were only a sample of each one, but it was precisely their concentration, and variety,  what made the image so impressive

And suddenly my dejection was dispelled: mushrooms and pumpkin,  oranges and celery,  garlic and cauliflowers, apples and sweet potato, leeks and coriander, red peppers and bay leaf, carrots and ginger,  pears and thyme, tomatoes and mango were living together and seemed to be at peace with themselves and other... they look like so vibrant, fresh, clean and happy that I   couldn´t help smiling and beginning to feel better 

I didn´t have the camera with me, but I brought home these beautiful gems to remember this moment. Curiously enough, once I enjoyed  their color and aroma, I started to make up with my day


You may think a simple strawberry cannot change your mood... but I wouldn´t be so sure: according to my recent experience, they are a true medicine

DAY 114

what do you wish for the world?


Due to my profession I´ve had to deal with issues concerning poverty, underdevelopment, social vulnerability etc. So when  I first read the Wishcasting Wednesday prompt I was tempted to write an elaborate answer but later on, I decided not to do it... maybe because my true wishes can be expressed with no need of a detailed and complicated speech

I wish compassion

kindness

light

respect

forgiveness

authenticity

laughter

true welfare

our awaken to the true meaning of oneness

and paths to a more spiritual way of life

DAY 113

I am brave enough to love
and brave enough to accept love


brave enough to hope for love
and brave enough to live love

brave enough to make my way towards love
and brave enough to embrace love

brave enough to be true to those who I love
and brave enough to praise their uniqueness

brave enough to stay connected to the things I love
and brave enough to cherish them

brave enough to share my love
and brave enough to experience what others love


I am brave enough to show love and brave enough to feel loved

DAY 112

anniversary


One day like today, one year ago, Malú passed away

This is one of the last photos I took of my precious friend. I remember it was early in the morning, I was writing or reading in my terrace and I saw her sitting down in the dinning room table... I don´t know why, in that precise instant -looking at her and at her sister, who was by my side- I thought: here there are some of my path mates

I got hold of the camera and took a few pictures, a week later or so, she got ill and she died. I could hardly imagine at that moment, how true this affirmation was

Indeed she was a kindred spirit who taught me a lesson about death (and life) that I wouldn´t have learnt otherwise

Note: Malú was a cancer survivor during one year and eight months, even when the prognosis wasn´t good after her first surgery. She died of a kidney and heart failure, probably due to metastasis. She was perfectly "healthy" and lively till the day she was to the vet because she didn´t want to eat. She passed away four days later and stayed at home her last day and night

DAY 111

buddhahood

"Rely on nothing
until you want nothing"

DAY 110

sacredness

One of the things I have learnt through my journey is to consider my home to be a sacred space. Now I know that our houses have to be not only beautiful places, but also places of inspiration which should nurture our inner being

And I am not talking about turning houses into retreat centers, I am talking about creating a place where spending time in meditation, in contemplation or in creative exploration, apart from develop our everyday life in a cozy and pleasant way

This can involve change the decoration, the space layout and our priorities but the foundations of these changes, according to my own experience, should always be the following:

Silence: keep your space free of noise pollution, minimize outer  cacophony

Order: keep your space uncluttered, find a good place for things and give back things to their respective places after using

Cleanliness: keep your space neat, initiate simple routines that allow you to do it on regular basis

Clarity: keep your space lit up, allow the natural light to flood the rooms and use many table lamps

Ventilate: keep your space freshened, open the windows as much as possible

Introduce nature inside: keep your space connected to earth, plants, pets and natural material will be your best allies

Fragrance: keep your space perfumed, scent on the linens and wardrobes, use scented oils and soft incense

Personalize: keep your space connected to your own story and tastes, expose your collections and memories beautifully, show mementos of your life and happy events

Imagination: keep your space creative, find unusual solutions to ordinary problems

Hand-made: keep your space unique, look for craft designs and if it´s possible make them yourself: restore, repurpose or alter your furniture, objects etc.

Simplicity: keep your space free of ostentation, design it to be useful, warm and nice, not to impress

Equilibrium: keep your space balanced, make room for the enjoyment of your senses, your mind and your spirit

DAY 109

a peaceful world evolves through peaceful heart

... but learning to calm down our hearts (minds and souls) is not always easy. Quite often we want to pacify our lives but we don´t know how can we turn our wish into a feasible goal. Of course, conquering a true peace involves many steps but we can start this process, creating the right mood

One of the things that has helped me to do such thing is writing about my feelings, experiences, everyday challenges etc.

I have try different ways of journaling, from the simple diary of my childhood, to a private notebook where I could unburden myself... I have written short stories based on my experiences, lists, poetic prose, affirmations, tales of past events where I have revisited my memories, affirmations, quick notes to myself and even haikus. I also have made mixed-media journals for a long time and diaries where I search for spiritual guidance through meditation

I still fluctuate between some of this techniques nowadays, depending on my moods and needs (and this blog is a good proof of it). All of them are useful their way and some of them really enjoyable. But the thing I like better when I use them is that they permit me to get in touch to my inner being and explore a sort of subtle wisdom which seems to lie inside me

... and inside you

DAY 108

musing on synchronicity

DAY 107

what do you wish to attract?

As last time, when I read the Wishcasting Wednesday question I found it thought provoking and very inspirational. However, when I started to attempt an anwer I felt a sort of blockage.

I fear sometimes we don´t want to allow ourselves to attract what we really want. I don´t know exactly the reason why this occurs, maybe we feel frightened of the unforseen consequences of our dreams (even, when one of them could be the discovering of our own magnificence), maybe we feel ashamed of their dimensions (we suppose we are not meant to dream big)...

This happens to me even when I know that when we aligned ourselves with our true needs, the law of the attraction works (though not always as we expect)

At the end, regardless the sensation of being too exposed, I decided to trust my inner voice and stay true to it

Speaking in general terms, I wish to attract beautiful and peaceful ways to develop my personal power and my spirituality and specifically:

Courage to share my vision

Wisdom to identify ways to do it

Inspiration to find what I can offer

Creativity to design the needed strategies

Patience to make them grow

Kindred spirits willing to consider my proposals

Guidance to make them part of what I make to earn life

To sum up: 

Determination to follow my soul´s dreams about developing a deeper professional activity related to self-knowledge, the improvement of personal skills and spiritual evolution, (which could be related to my current career in education and teaching field)

Strenght and help to make them come true

DAY 106

against reproaches and regret 

Some days I start the day complaining about my so called faults and I go to bed doing exactly the same. This is not a good habit at all, it makes me feel frustrated, dissatisfied ... and powerless, it seems I am not improving myself or making any effort to mend my ways when this is not true

So, from some time now I´m trying to change my mind, and when I discover myself being so critical, I try to stop the disapproving comments or judgments and I attempt to take a different approach

I don´t deny my own characteristics (this is important), I just try a new way to dealing with them. And I say to myself:

As I am reserved, I have learnt to listen to the sound of life and also the great importance of using words

As I am analytic, I have learnt to explore different sides of a given problem and also the great importance of being aware of other people´s viewpoints

As I am intellectual, I have learnt to use my mind and my knowledge to solve problems and also the great importance of being emotional and physical

As I am a perfectionist, I have learnt to achieve excellence and also the great importance of being flexible and tolerant

As I am perseverant, I have learnt to continue in a course of action in spite of difficulty, and also the great importance of giving up my goals when the circumstances advises so

As I am self-demanding, I have learnt to make the most of my capacities, but also the great importance of being fair when I demand something of someone

As I am familiarized myself with anger, I have learnt about its great power, but also the great importance of managing our emotions adequately

Every time, I make this exercise, I take a step in the right direction. Not only I  overcome the words (and tags) that I use to define who I am and defuse the negative meaning I usually give them, but I also discover the great gift they enclose

DAY 105

natural world (and in particular, botanical diversity) fascinates me


Regardless cycles, shapes, seasons, state or appearance... plants irresistibly attract my interest and warm approval. As a person who is prone to perfectionism (and even to self-criticism), my ability to accept the striking beauty of nature without reservations, or preconceived ideas, never ceases to amaze me

As I have become aware of my aptitude for looking at nature with such pleasure, and expressing admiration without difficulty or effort, I have noticed that the more I admire the world around me, the more astonishing it seems to be... and I also discovered that this could have similar consequences with persons, and even with myself, because any living thing has a positive response to admiration

So now I cultivate sincere admiration on purpose. I try to focus on qualities and not on faults and on celebrating difference (as I do when I look at flowers or plants), instead of searching for homogeneity

To be honest, this is not always easy when we talk about persons, in particular, regarding myself, but it works: the more I relish uniqueness  -the more I understand I  am  (as everyone else)  one of a kind-, the happier I am with myself -and with other persons- and more valuable I feel 

I don´t know if this happens because we sense wonderment and this cause an improvement or because our state of reverence increases appreciation.... maybe I will never know, but I am absolutely sure that this is powerful tool which makes my everyday life easier and lighter

DAY 104

the architecture of silence


“Within Silence you will enjoy perfect clarity, serenity, and wisdom. Silence will give you many gifts of fulfillment. From within the eternity of Silence, you will know how to live and what to do. Silence will take you from this world, and return you to this world. It is a journey we all must take. Upon returning, we will know that we and the world are one, and we will work to restore harmony and beauty in all the dark places of our human forgetting"

Robert Rabbin

DAY 103

Oh... how much I love serendipitous moments!

... moments that happen when I walk around looking for inspiration (for something that animate me with a new feeling of joy and the sense that I am rightly placed here and now) and I find a response just around the corner

Suddenly an event occurs by chance and I -paradoxically- realize that indeed, there are not coincidences

Our lives don´t evolve on a whim, all the steps of this dance is extremely timely and are not based on random choices -as they seem to be-, they are not arbitrary, but carefully planned

This unexpected capture brought me back a deep sense of connection, of purpose -maybe because it talked to me about many things that I love- and somehow, made me understand that this sort of moments that drive me to celebrate life as it is, is where awareness is born...

This instant gave way to the next as soon as I noticed it but while I was observing this seated lady with her book, I felt a sparkling sense of gratitude for a kind universe that shows me -in a happy way- that my life is not erratic

DAY 102

what do you wish people knew about you?

I´ve been planning for awhile to join Wishcasting Wednesday, but it seems I am always too late... so this week I decided to do it anyway, maybe because this week wish prompt resonates deeply with me and with this blog´s aim, wich initially started as a way to avoid invisibility (mainly related to my spiritual journey and the way I see the world nowadays)

As a person which has started to be aware of my spiritual insights a bit late in life, I have found difficult to combine my usual way of life and my previous commitments, with new perception and dreams. Even now, I have to challenge myself to make visible my spiritual dimenssion (and what it has provided me with, almost every single day)

So I wish people knew about the steps I have taken in order to honor -while learn to trascend- my own story

I wish people knew about all the beautiful things I have learnt throughout that journey

I wish people knew about how my struggles against my own shadows have led me to meet my true self

I wish people knew about how I have learnt to fear not

I wish people knew about how I have moved forward to joy and light

I wish people knew about the strong connection to universe guidance that I have developed through this process

And above all, I wish people to knew my capacity to help them to discover the beauty which lies in their own paths

DAY 101

growing authentic

I ´ve always thought a lot about the nature of beauty and it´s relationship with time (don´t know exactly why), but  since I have developed my love for photography, I do it even more: looking at the world through a lense reveals a strange magnificence that we hardly notice without it

It seems to me that beauty is not inversally proportional to time, as our culture seems to suggest, on the contrary, it´s directly proportional to it

Beauty that doesn´t defy time, is not true beauty, is just an illusion (... an illusion often called youth). Because beauty, according to my opinion, doesn´t lie in  faultless  perfection, it lies in a sort of harmony which manages to tolerate decline without losing grace

DAY 100

diarist

I´ve joined Photo-Heart connection. So I have to pick up a photo that I worked with in the last month and gives me a strongest connection to my heart and soul

I considered many possibilities, like this and this, or even this, because they are strongly related to my own journey, both emotionally and spiritually, and every time I look at them I have a warm sense of being here

... but at the end I chose this one because when I look at it I notice an energy currents that make me feel deeply rooted and extremely light at the same time

I think this happens for the following reasons:

Writing has been always my favorite way to reconnect to myself

Writing has helped me to go into spirituality and creativity in more depth

Writing is probably the more cathartic task I ever known

Writing has invited me to be a conscious creator of my life and to find more meaning in it

And last, but not least, writing has kept me sane


 PS: Curiously enough, this is the post number 100 of this digital journal, today is my first photo-heart connection link up and it is about journaling... Coincidence? I don´t think so