DAY 99

messages from the universe

This journey is wonderful, and amazing and interesting, but from time to time I discover myself having the same behave that I used to have long ago. Is like my neurones go mad and I start to give old responses to current situations, responses that indeed don´t embody the person I am today

Of course, this happens when I feel stressed or anxious or when I am dealing with emotional material, this kind of responses that are usually a conditioned reaction constructed when I was much younger against shocking stimuli, must be recorded in my most ancient brain (the one who is clever enough to decide  whether I will move into fight or flight but can be also a bit reactive)

Long ago this drove me crazy and obviously, this only made the situation worse because an upset mood only can trigger new reactions, but now I try to identify the presence of some of this reactions. However, this is not as easy as may appear because I am acting mechanically so instead of trying to recognize them, I try to pay attention to some of their symptoms, like some words of my inner dialogue which indicate that I am not truly centered (even when it seems to be so)

Once I understood that, I have found much more easier stop and be back to my center. Of course, I can´t do it in one go, but I have learnt to do it step by step.

This is what I do:

 I take a deep breath

I recite a mantra

I stop doing the frenzied activities that I usually do when I am anxious

I take time for solitude and silence and I await for guidance that surely will arrive, though I never know how it will do it... maybe because guidance comes in all formats

DAY 98

steps to overcome disorganization

Since I´ve started this journey, almost every single day I am worried about keeping my vision and a global perspective -which indeed is basic in order to stay true to myself and to my purpose- and I also make an effort to walk gently and stay focused on the little details because I think that they are the stuff that life is made of

But sometimes, I lose sight of procedures (and/or abilities) that I need in order to keep my ordinary life in working order. After reflecting on this carefully, I have found out that it´s not easy to me deal with passion and duties, inspiration and routines, order and emotions, my soul needs and my everyday life -which is equally important- at the same time

Regarding this issue, organization and an adequate time managing, seem to be the key. Here are a few things that I can´t forget if I want to stay organized and -consequently- integrate great doses of what nurtures my soul into my daily life:

Daily "To-Do" lists which must be right balanced (making room for my inner life, family life, work etc.)

Keeping my timetable updated

Respecting my schedule

Avoiding procrastination

Setting priorities

Eliminate unnecessary activities and trivial tasks

Being aware of interruptions

Don´t take on too much

Taking breaks

Rewarding myself with extra free time (to be honest, I don´t like very much calendars)

DAY 97

everything counts


If we are seeking for a real improvement of our lives we should choose goals that are meaningful to us and not "precooked" solutions. In other words, we should follow our inner voice

If we have the strong feeling that we have to start to simplify our schedule or to develop our creativity...

if we absolutely need to make our house a home or to find serenity through prayers and meditation... 

if suddenly we only want to stop and look around us or we become aware of the great importance of appreciating everyday beauty... 

we should just go for it

No matter if people says that we should be making just the opposite, no matter if the things we´re trying to do have nothing to do (apparently) with an important change or progress... 

we should go for it because every tiny step -even a a simple gesture- helps to change our lives (and the world around us) and can be –at a given moment- extremely powerful 

We may be worried about making a wrong decision, but I truly believe that if we follow what we feel we really need, and what we really love, we won´t get lost

DAY 96

from clutter to clarity


"It seems to me that we spend the first half of our lives accumulating things and the second half getting rid of them, paring our possessions down to a manageable cache. At some point in our middle years, it is important to take the time to catalogue what it is we have, what we have accumulated, what we hold onto, what we have carried with us through the years, and what we would be better of letting go of. As we face the second half of our lives, it is prime time to check our baggage and lighten up our load"

Donna Henes

DAY 95

angles and curves

lines and figures

patterns and irregularity

rules and improvisation

coherence and contradictions

simplicity and exuberance

complementarity and contrast

order and chaos

delicacy and rawness

evolution and regression

light and obscurity  

tradition and innovation

conventionality and creativity

good and evil

contemplation and frantic activity

day and night

serenity and anger

death and born 


That´s what´s life seems to be.  And I am in the middle of this endless list of bipolarities, wandering around, going from one word to another... trying to form a fabric by interlacing certain concepts with others, weaving in and out of them...  going down the holes in order to understand that real experience of life occurs between two threads:  when I forget to take sides and I slide softly into the happy medium

DAY 94

roundness

Long ago, I was focused on pleasing others, today I am much more concerned by finding (and keeping) a feeling of inner peace, rather than external approval.

Long ago, I was focused on other´s needs, today I want to live my own dreams

Long ago, I was focused on playing a role, today I am being my own person

Long ago, I was focused on others opinions, today I am excavating my truth

Long ago, I was focused on outer chaos, today I try to be clear about what resonates to me

Long ago, I was focused on external values, today I choose to honor my own values


Long ago, my life seems to be a incomplete, today I have the sense that my process have made the edges of my life smooth (it has rounded it off), and I have a feeling of completeness that I had never experienced before

DAY 93

buddhahood

" All things appear and disappear
because of causes and condition.
Nothing ever exists entirely alone;
everything is in relation to everything else"

DAY 92

particular versus general 

When we look for better ways to understand and know ourselves, we tend to focus on some specific aspects of our lives or our person that we think that must be improved

Quite often, this doesn´t respond to a precise diagnosis, and we follow external advices that can make us to run the risk of keeping a lack of stability, if those advices start from the premise that there is some parts of our lives -or our person- that are more important than other

In fact, all of us have preferences and also prejudices, not always conscious, that make those aspects take priority over a global vision that -in my opinion- is essential. This means that we are going to prefer to work on some levels or sides that perhaps are not the most important to us.... maybe because it´s easier to gain access to them, maybe because we are good at them or simply, because there is a craze for them in our context... but this can cause a a biased practice that will generate new imbalances

The best starting point is strengthening our ability to be steadfast with ourselves because this will help us to develop a loyalty to our experience and  that is the best way to recognize our true needs in order to heal

Here -as usual- following our inner voice can make the difference. So, if we have the feeling that we need to take a new step toward a sane way of life we must find nonaggressive approaches to being here, that will permit us to face up the challenges that this involves but without losing sight of the inner complexity of the whole scenario

Learning to stay is complicated, it demands great doses of patience and persistence. Of course, this will be much more easy if we develop a consistent inner work based on awareness where meditation can be a basic mainstay

DAY 91

praise the changes

Yesterday I was musing on freedom and on the idea of expecting nothing. As a recovering perfectionist and someone who usually wanted to control every circumstance of her life, the need to let go expectations arises from time to time, so this sort of reflections is a recurrent part of my inner work

Along my life I´ve always had a strong feeling that things should happen the way I had planned even when they were not depending on me... Regardless my deep knowledge about some issues (life led me to teach educational planning), I used to ignore the golden rules of this subject and insist on setting unattainable personal goals and/or on trying to make any other persons behave as I want them to do it

There is not need to say that this caused me pain and frustration, but I couldn´t help doing it. My emotional distress was very serious when I started to understand that my fight for being perfect was not being rewarded as I expected: it was just a deception... and what is worse, it was a deception that makes me act insanely

Once, I understood it, I started to be aware of all the expectations I had to handle everyday of my life and also, their origin and consequences. Gradually, through this process, I began to notice that I could expect less and appreciate more and this made a whole difference

I don´t know exactly when I changed my mind and finally started to let go of harmful patterns but this has allowed me to build an unconditional friendliness toward myself (as I have learnt, expectations, disappointment and self-denigration are closely linked)

This friendship as any other friendship has up and downs but it´s leading me to understand a few keys that are changing my life:

There´s not need to fix nothing

I can honor myself as I am now, and evolve nicely at the same time

I don´t need to be perfect

I need to have goals that respect my energy

I don´t need to pray for approval anymore, I wish an awakened heart and completely open mind

I deserve love and clarity

DAY 90

musing on freedom

DAY 89

messing around with words


embrace/ verb: 

1 [with object] hold (someone) closely in one’s arms, especially as a sign of affection

2 accept (a belief, theory, or change) willingly and enthusiastically

3include or contain (something) as a constituent part


The more I read the meaning of my word for 2012, the more I like it. Indeed, I think it´s the perfect word for me at this moment of my life

Why? Because I need to love and cherish every single experience of my life and I want it to be encircled by positive feelings

I want to take up readily whatever can happen and try to feel glad to be living what I am living every moment

I would like to be able to welcome events, changes and people that come into my path and living in accordance with an inclusive vision

I am determined to assimilate and integrate the lessons that each experience encloses not as a misfortune, but as an incredible opportunity for empowerment

And I am resolved to enjoy this journey

DAY 88

"The river that flows in you 
also flows in me"

Kabir

DAY 87

my mother has a gardener´s heart

but she has never had a garden... even so, she takes care sweetly of her tiny flowerpots and still today her eyes shine every time she looks at the plants she has around the house

here: one of her african violet

DAY 86

brand-new gaze

Being back to my childhood home is a pleasure at this time of my life. Not only because now I have the chance to play the caregiver role, which is very rewarding, once you start to flow with the right mood, that is, a gentle, compassionate and relaxed mood, that makes easier to enjoy the moment. But also, because now that my mother has started this part of her journey, most of our traditional dynamics -no matter if they were nice or less functional- have broken up and this has been for our own good, because it has created room for new -and much more enriching- experiences

So now when I stay at my mom´s house I can feel linked to my past without anger

I can understand why our lives have evolved as they did

I can appreciate beautiful traditions and revisit forgotten memories

I can look at our shared experiences with new eyes and many things that have been there for years and before didn´t mean nothing to me, now tell me a whole story

I can feel my roots but also I can spread the wings that I have developed along these years

I can feel connected and also free and alive and totally in peace with this specific moment

No matter if my mother is ageing,  because only now I am able to truly appreciate how precious she is, her inner and outer beauty and her kindness.

Somehow is like this china piece which belonged to my grandmother, it has been around all my life, but only today I awoke to its uniqueness and exquisiteness 

DAY 85

"giving thanks for abundance
is sweeter than the abundance itself... "

Rumi

But no doubt, the ability for perceiving abundance, and feel grateful -as many other things- depends on the our mind´s frames in other words, on the way we look at the world, our priorities and expectations. Of course, all these things are related to a given circumstances. Our early experiences, education, family beliefs etc. can leave a lasting impression about how life should be, or about how life should treat us, this in turn creates prejudices and preconceptions that determine the significance we give to events and facts... and sometimes, can ruin all the fun

Some persons are able so see abundance everywhere, and others, nowhere... no matter what happens to them.  I, for my part, have been educated to appreciate everyday things but maybe not to look for abundance everywhere in particular, inside me... or expect external abundance. Anyway, somehow along my life I got totally lost

But for some time now, I´m dealing with a new, and more inclusive, concept of abundance which involves being open to any sort of abundance and able to accept plentifulness no matter how it turns up

Some may think that a simple head of garlic is not reason enough to have the sense that my life is flourishing, but I don´t think so, I think it´s more than enough reason


... maybe because this little gem makes me want to sing

DAY 84

the little things in my world...


have made me understand that light and shadow are both faces of our true essence

It's odd that our enlightened side often seems not to be enough to move forward but the fact is that we need our shadow, in order to evolve and grow up...

We tend to reject this idea, although  the shadow is caused by the light... so it is a great way to discover our own shape

DAY 83

story of a miracle

When the new kitty arrived home a few months ago, the resident cat, Miel, was feeling downhearted and very sad. This situation started after her sister passed away last February and got worse when I went back work after my summer vacation. I´m not sure if a cat can get depressed, but this would be the right word to describe her state. Her physical condition was quite poor and her mood was terrible. So much so that I was afraid she could get seriously ill

It´s hard to imagine that this can happen if you don´t have previous experiences, but it was like I have lost two cats, instead of just one. The thought of adopting a new kitty, was an extreme solution to this problem but I had the feeling that it could work

The new kitty came to our house by chance, and even when Miel was reluctant to get involved in this new relationship, indeed, she felt truly terrified, now things have changed. The kitty is sweet and joyful and very persistent... so little by little she has won her heart in the end

Now Miel eats much better, plays and sleeps well, she moves around me and don´t stay all day long under my bed´s blanket (as before), she looks much happier and is living a second youth even when she is nearly 14 years old

I´m so very glad... I want to cuddle them both, every time I see how they are learning to live together

DAY 82

merged into myself

I came back to the mirror trying to figure out the meaning of my word for 2012: embrace 

I knew I was not talking about acceptance, the ability of flowing or even openness. I was looking for something that went beyond those terms, although this was going too far. I knew I rather wanted to be able to hold closely in my arms every single event, every experience, my memories, my wishes, my dreams, my fights, my mistakes, the pain, my gifts, my beauty, my vision...  in other words, my whole life without preconceptions and with affection 

As a matter of course, I started to look at the woman in the mirror, that is, me. And I tried to imagine what kind of woman would embrace her life without reservations. I kept my mind on her and saw her gaze, her smile, I felt her graceful presence and listened to her heart beating softly... 

I open my eyes and I saw that woman looking at me gently. I held out my hand to her and suddenly I had the feeling that we were merging, we were starting to become one

Now I carry this woman inside me, a woman who is able to fully live whatever can happen

DAY 81

my altar


dedicated to: 


acceptance 

beauty

creativity

dreams

effectiveness

flexibility

gentleness

home

imagination

joy

kindness

light

miracles

naivety

openness

peace

quickness

radiance

spirituality

truth

uniqueness

vocation

wisdom

x... (the unknown or unspecified)
 
yin & yan

zen-like

DAY 80

embrace

Somehow, I feel that every past year was made to bring me here, the best place where I could be, so I truly believe 2012 won´t be an exception

This means that I trust my life firmly and, sure enough, I do so, but I also think that exploring it consciously will help to internalize its lessons easily 

According to this, I consider a good practice to make a declaration of intent when the year starts. I don´t think this will change the facts that can or cannot occur along the year, but I know this will change my state of mind and so my attitudes and the way I´ll face up those facts. If I declare to myself something with passion and intent, I prepare myself to act according this declaration and also to look for ways to make it real throughout this year... 

In a sense, I use this declaration of intent as an open door to an inspiring vision of 2012 and also as way to allowing, rather than a way to attracting, changes and evolution into this year 

Of course this will invoke the experiences I need in order to achieve them. This can be a bit “dangerous” because this probably will bring me face to face with many things that maybe I´d rather prefer to avoid… things like blockages, childhood programming, disempowering beliefs and my own reluctance to move forward. But I know this is the way my conscience expands and leads me where I´m supposed to be 

And here it is: This year I will try to take in and fully live every single experience of my life. This means, this year I´m going to embrace what my life brings to me -and in particular, all those things that nurture me- with my arms (and my eyes) wide open

DAY 79

life is a maze into which we wander...


a complicated maze that demands wit, faith, strenght, confidence, wisdom and good play mates. The sort of play mates who offers gentle support, genuine smiles and helping hands

Without kindred companions, this labyrinthine experience, would be frustrating and we would run the risk of getting lost in the worse side of our existence, but with them, it becomes much more appealing and lovable... maybe because they are like mirrors that reflects back to us the best things of this life: the wonders of generosity, kindness, sincerity, and faithfulness

... and also the best side of ourselves 

Everytime I meet my best friends -even when it happens from time to time due to our hectic lives- I realize how much they help me to keep on walking my path. These two ladies always give me new reasons to seek for a more concious life and countless tangible and intangible gifts

Today we had lunch together and again we shared a beautiful and magical time

here: some of the charming and delightful presents I´ve received from them today

DAY 78

rearrangement


This month I´m preparing for the coming year. Some say this year will set the beginning of a new era. I have the feeling that this will definitely be a year to think about our usual way of life and move forward to a new sense of austerity and simplicity. As every previous year, I´m expecting lots of inner and outer changes, the difference now is that even when I still find this a bit intimidating, I also know that this can be excellent for me as I am in a process of personal transformation...

Every new year is an amazing opportunity for experience how our personal destiny can be in alignment with our wishes if we stay in touch with our inner self. If we do so, we will look for goals, intents or purposes throughout this year that will help us to fulfill our mission which is deeply related to the need to infuse soul into our human existence

This has to do with the conquer of light and the dispelling of darkness... with the chance for creating a clear space where we can live our daily life in a spiritual manner. And it is not about success (understood as the attainment of fame, wealth, or social status), but about peace. It is not about control (understood as the power to influence the course of events), but about the ability to flow

In order to promote this sort of alignment I am doing a few things (no necessarily in this order):

I am renovating my home´s altar which will be dedicated to this year

I am musing on what I want 2012 to be or more specifically, on how I want to respond to 2012 and what I want to learn in 2012... this year will be eventually what it is meant to be, so it´s more effective to work on my own responses, reactions and potential learning

I am clearing out the space, I am convinced that this activates new energy. This involves not only clutter clearing but also moving things around and a little redecoration

And last, but not least,  I am working on my vision board for this year because this is a great way to organize my thoughts about it... although this will be a work in process along the whole year

DAY 77

buddhahood

"Health, contentment and trust
are your greatest possessions,
and freedom your greatest joy"

DAY 76

musing on serenity

DAY 75

ageing beautifully


we age beautifully when we make an effort to become wiser every passing day

when we take gentle care of our body and we keep our dignity along with our wrinkles at the same time

when we learn to listen to our heart and how to keep a listening heart

when we don´t despise our past pretending being another person and we fully accept our life as a whole

when we look for things that keep our mind alive and our soul awake

when we understand that we have to stay focused on the important dimensions of life and on the purpose for which we have been born

when we integrate suffering and joyfulness without feeling neither nostalgia nor bitterness

when we trust our life even when we are not quite sure about its meaning

when we realize that regardless how tiny our gifts may seem to be, they make the world better

when we stop grasping for something more, and we embrace our destiny

when we turn this simple "Yes!" into the beginning of contemplation so we can see life fresh once again

when we aware to the brief gift of time and we don't need to hold a grudge anymore

when we decide to be true to ourselves

when we feel at home being in our own bodies... in our own life


in other words, when we accept that beauty doesn´t depend on age but on the light inside

DAY 74

holding hands (mom & me)


"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"

often attributed to various authors 

DAY 73

alignment

As my mother is reaching an old age, I´m quite concerned by her needs. But sometimes, I discover myself trying to prevent her just being an old lady even when I know that this is a life stage that she has to live. Undoubtedly, this stage is cognitively shocking because it breaks our perception of our parents... but it´s also painful and unavoidable, so we must handle it with care

When we love someone, sometimes it is hard to differentiate between affection and control. Quite often we do things (with the best of intentions) which prevent those we love staying present in their own lives. As we attempt to avoid them suffering we steal their freedom and their dignity.

We only want them to be happy, but the thing is that every person has their own path and we have to trust them or at least, we have to let them live what they are living, even when this means they can be not so happy all the time. Of course, we can help and stay near, and make things easier but we can´t change the normal course of events

If we allow others living their own process, we allow ourselves to do exactly the same. As I am allowing my mother to find her way into this stage of her life, I am allowing myself to find my way into this stage of my life. And so I am also finding a new way to bring her needs into line with my own needs 

This is not always easy, but I´m glad I´m doing it

here: some of my mom´s consommé cups

DAY 72

summery fruit for a wintery lady  (more reflections upon old age)

... because this time of life calls for tenderness in order to make it more plentiful

This time of life calls for sweet cuddles

this time of life calls for kindness

and gentleness, subtle touches, courteous gestures, soft gazes, tiny steps...

This time of life calls for an amazing tact

this time of life calls for patience and benevolence

and prayers, confidence, a helpful attitude and tons of disinterested love...

This time of life calls for varied stimulus

this time of life calls for a brave encouragement and a cheerful mood

and nice colors, appealing flavors, homey smells and cozy spaces...

This is said to be a hopeless stage and many persons (old or young) are tempted to act as if this could be true, but according to my experience this only worsen the whole situation. On the contrary, if we don´t overdramatize, it will provide us countless chances to explore our ability for caring, creating, serving and taking pleasure in life. It also will give us ways to find a new pace, rediscover lost pleasures... and enjoy the beautiful cycle of life where every season has its own charm

here: guava served to my mom as noon snack

DAY 71

back home


These days I´m at my mom´s house, I wanted this free week to plan this year, this would have meant thinking about my intentions, musing on my word for the year, invoking a spiritual mood and so on...

But I thought that if I wanted to get off to a good start, these free days could be also an opportunity to come back home and pamper my mom with a great deal of attention. Giving love and spreading joy is a sure gateway to our highest self and indeed, a sort of meditation.

So these days I am doing my inner work while I´m preparing good meals, making my mother secure in bed for sleep and kissing her goodnight. It´s strange to be back at your childish home and have to play the role of mom instead of the role of daughter, and even more stranger when this means being the mother of your own mom... but that´s the life path: if we are lucky enough we will be present at our parents’ process of ageing and we will have the chance to care for them.

My mother and me are going through this stage right now. Time ago she was the one who was always there to keep things going, but now that she is 87 years old, she is not that person anymore. This is shocking, things that before were important don´t mean nothing to her today; it is also painful, I can see her fragility and her fear, but on the other hand, somehow there are tons of sweetness and beauty around

…will talk about this on future posts


Here: a collection of italian porcelain dolls that my mother has at my old bedroom. It is made up of pieces that  I have given her along the years

DAY 70

how the New Year will be?

Before, I always asked for a quiet year, a year where nothing "wrong" or "bad" could happen, but now I know that what I used to define as "wrong" or "bad" was life itself... and I have realized that I can´t avoid them as this would mean rejecting the opportunity of living fully

So now I ask for being wise enough to deal with life as it is and for new chances to appreciate the beauty of this amazing existence

I ask for time to be quiet and go into myself in depth

I ask for being  able to take delight in this interesting times (which indeed challenge us to be aware of our inner strength) and keep on developing  my own aims

I ask for having good judgment to walk my path whereas I cherish silence and contemplation

In other words,  I ask for falling in love with my own process once and again... and again

DAY 69

reaffirmations for 2012

I am the one who takes delight in little things

I am the one who travels freely throughout the existing worlds

I am the one who prays with humility

I am the one who accept what comes to my life

I am the one who expects nothing but miracles

I am the one who is resolved to move forward

I am the one whose fate is amazement

I am the one who believes in the healing power of everyday life

I am the one who thinks that the best gift is breathing

I am the one who loves the wind

I am the one who longs for a community of kindred spirits

I am the one who fights against conditionings

I am the one who wants to be at peace  with death

I am the one who looks for wisdom

I am the one who copes with disquieting emotions

I am the one who claims that  Lord walks among the pots and pans

I am the one who keeps hope regardless the pain

I am the one who has learnt to embrace uncertainty

I am the one who is constantly seeking serenity 

and love

 and light