DAY 365+1

come to fruition (second take)

A few hours ago I published the last post of my 365 project. To tell you the truth, I had been delaying the moment of publishing it (in fact, I was a week late, even when I was absolutely clear about what I wanted to write and had the right photo) because this was going to be  the end of an amazing experience

Some of you have asked me what I will do now. Of course, I will continue with this blog, it couldn´t be otherwise!

It  started  as a 365 days project where I wanted to post a daily photo and a short comment, about my healing moments - as its name says-, but  it has become much more than this: it has become a place where I can acknowledge  my feelings, deal with my fears and meet my true self. A place where I can open my heart and my mind and make them visible 

I didn´t expect it to be so important, but it has rescued me from boredom, anxiety, disconcertion and distrust more times than I can count. And it has given me a sense of belonging

No doubt it has gone far beyond the initial project and has gathered its own strength . Of course, this has to do with its content, and with my achievement, but also with the positive feedback I have obtained. It seems that my photos and words are appreciated in a way that I couldn´t predict when I started. I feel so grateful! 

These are the reasons why I want to keep this blog but I also want it (and myself) to walk toward new places and would  love to make room for new ideas and proposals

...I have so many plans in order to continue sharing glimpses of unexpected beauty and tiny pieces of what I have learned in new ways, that I can´t wait to start. But this won´t happen right now as I need time to rearrange my thoughts and make them feasible, but  I hope I will introduce them little by little in the months ahead`

Anyway, this will be always a place where I can be who I really am. A place where healing myself and where (if I am lucky enough) you will find inspiration to welcome your own moments of sanity

DAY 365

come to fruition

This is the last post of my 365 project (not of my blog). I can hardly describe what this project has meant to me, but I will try. It has meant inspiration, creativity, awareness, enjoyment, openness and change

Indeed, maybe the last word is the key word to describe the whole experience. These are the main changes I have experienced:

When I started this blog, 365 posts ago, I didn´t considered myself to be good at photography but I found out that I can be good enough

I didn´t thought I could write about my deep feelings in English which is not my mother tongue, now I feel much more confident while using it

I was not sure of my own ability for creating something that could impact on other people, now I know that somehow my photos and my words echo their own feeling

I didn´t know if I would be able to convey the message I was thinking about, now I have discovered that all the snippets of my inner dialogue  create something that makes sense to many others

I very much doubted that I will be able to illustrate the healing power of everydayness, now this has become my hallmark 

I thought I couldn´t make use of my own journey to inspire a whole year of musings, but I have done it and they are not only intelligible, but consistent

I had some goals in mind, but I have no idea about how to achieve them, now I have discovered that I can trust my intuition and follow my soul

I had done tons of inner work but I couldn´t figure what to do next, till I realized that this could be indeed, the following stage I needed, now I know that this is an amazing tool to explore oneself

I had the feeling that maybe I could help others to discover beauty in their own path but I could hardly imagine the interesting (and striking yet complicated) path I had ahead, now I understand the true meaning of loving what is and I can feel the passion of being connected to one´s life


Now that this circle is ending, and I am close to starting a new one, I feel that my world has spun on its axis in a way that I couldn´t ever imagine. This will not be the end, now I know it´s only the first step of a long journey, but it has been an amazing, rewarding and beautiful step

... the most beautiful first step ever

DAY 364

at a bend in the road
I found the most amazing surprises 

I was looking for my always correct goals, trying to build up the most perfect life, ignoring my unease and all the good, precious things and persons that didn´t fit my unreachable ideal

I was involved in an endless steeplechase, trying to fix what was already right, trying to change what was immutable, trying to mend the universe itself

I was rejecting all the recurrent lessons that it was offering me. Lessons about boundaries, about perfectionism, about my self-demanding attitudes, about self-sacrifice and repression

I wasn´t paying attention to its signals, I wasn´t paying enough attention to the tiny inner voice that whispered inside me or to the glimpses of an alternative way of life where serenity could prevail

I was angry and obsessed and blinded by my need of approval I was angry and obsessed and blinded by my own suffering 

I was rushing to nowhere, trying to avoid the feeling that I was falling apart and I was crying behind the facade because deep inside me I knew that those were not the sensations I was looking for,  so a tiny gap appeared 

And then, at a bend in the road I found the most amazing surprises:

First, a few books talking about what was happening to me (!), and afterwards, tons of them. Books by persons who were giving voice to my feelings, books by persons who had been able to move toward a more peaceful life, and after them: the messages, the persons, the coincidences and happy accidents, the quotes found by chance, the unexpected epiphanies, the work

Later on, I found my intuition, the changing of some sentiments and thoughts into another and a sort of clarity and awareness


And finally, at a bend in the road,  I found myself and I discovered that indeed, walking my path is my goal

DAY 363

when the leaves fall...

it is sign of change. Even when temperatures are still high there is every indication that nature is getting ready for what is coming. Me too.

My 365 project is almost over so it´s time to start to think about making room for another conception of this blog. I am devising different options at the moment because I am absolutely sure that I want to continue with it. I´ve so much loved this experience that I haven´t even considered quit writing it, but I have to decide my next steps.

Autumn and the begining of the winter will be the time I am going to use to define my new perspective, I really need to muse on the way I will keep up with this journey. I definetely  want to stay connected to its essence but also wish to bring up to date its content. Till now most of my writings have been very introspective but now I feel that I have to start a more interactive stage where sharing my learning from a more useful and helpful viewpoint

I would like to develop a plan with a view to this practical purpose ( I already have many ideas) but I also love  exploring myself and the opportunity for doing it freely, so I want to preserve this side of this project too. I am open to new ideas and I guess I will have glimpses of my personal spring maybe before the metereological spring arrives. In other words, I hope to have given birth this new project the first days of the new year...  

wish me luck!

PS: Till then,  I will update the blog frequently, but maybe not on daily basis

DAY 362

inner flowering

The metaphor of the secret garden has been used many times to describe our inner space. It´s meant to remind us that there is always a fragrant and beautiful area inside us that remains in flower the whole year. This is a place where we can go to get inspiration, to have a rest or just to find our true selves. So, in theory, when we go inside we discover  a peaceful landscape where we can calm down ourselves, where our inner dialogue become more gentler and our vision becomes softer and wiser

When outer life is chaotic we usually feel the urge to go inside to take refuge. However this doesn´t mean that we will be able to come across this sweet place. Indeed, many of us have found withered leaves, weeds choking the rosebushes, and impenetrable vegetation preventing the light to come in. We have found contradictory feelings, anger and obsession... 

The reason why this happens is because our inner space is designed as a sort of labyrinth that challenges us to examine our life in detail for the purpose of explanation and interpretation

Our longing for light makes us to come in, but if we run away once we see that problems won´t be  solved automatically, we are not going to experience any advance. In fact, the haven of peace we are looking for is the core of the garden, the place where we meet the divinity inside us, but to reach that place we must move through many other levels and make our work inside them

According to this, the first time we enter this new mood and we feel the need to explore our inner space, we only gain access to the first circle of our garden, the one who is deeply influenced by outer experiences.  We have to stay inside and tidy up this first chamber in order to move forward. You may wonder what kind of "cleaner" should be used. I have no doubt about this: acquiescence, the ability to accept things as they are

Acquiescence will make room for great things to come, but it won´t do it if you are not able to deal with your arrogance and pride: if you want to go over your inner space while using them as a shield, you won´t make any progress. This path is about discovering your power and you won´t do it if you are not able to let go your need to control life, if you are not able to admit truth, if you need to keep your expectations at any cost and you don´t tolerate failures 

It has taken me time to understand this, it has taken me time to realize that this kind of nonresistance was the sword I was looking for, but one I did it  I have started to discover blooming places inside

And calm reigns now where before there was only confusion

DAY 361

"Silently a flower blooms,
In silence it falls away;
Yet here now, at this moment, at this place,
the whole of the flower, the whole of
the world is blooming.
This is the talk of the flower, the truth
of the blossom:
The glory of eternal life is fully shining here."

Zenkei Shibayama

DAY 360

open nature

When I uploaded this image and looked at it carefully, I realized that the words that I first thought to write to accompany it were not adequate anymore

They still were right and fair:  I wanted to write about the beauty of bare branches and it´s symbolism from the point of view of detachment, and sure enough, these branches are very charming  and quite symbolic and they speak loud and clear about the great importance of letting go in order to reborn... but the photo had stirred up some feelings that were less generic and much more deeper and personal

These structures that hang off the branch are like tiny carapaces that contain the seeds of a wonderful tree that produces the most beautiful flowers and they appear when the swarm of mauve petals starts to wither. They are not soft and maybe not so appealing, but they definitely catch the eye. They keep firmly closed for a long time but then (I don´t know exactly why, I guess that climate has something to do with this) they start to open and one realizes that they are like a hinged shell which are cleverly designed to permit the seeds to fly away in the right moment

While I was looking at the photo I could see  the whole process in my mind: the grown up tree, the tree blooming and the flowers falling ceaselessly, those capsules appearing, the seeds taking wing and travelling all over the city and then taking land in a totally different place... 

And then I thought that in every life there are flowers which bloom and fall and let a seeds able to create a better existence enclosed in a perfect and impenetrable container

These flowers are our experiences, they can be made with joy or sadness, but they are flowers anyway because every of them is related to a valuable learning regardless how they were lived, through laughs or through tears. Most of the times, this learning comes encapsulated in a small case that will remain open when ripe. But unlike the botanical containers, the process of opening is not always automatic because of our free will

Of course,  we will need propitious circumstances, we will need time, but much more than this:

We will need courage, we will need intention and perseverance, we will need clarity and awareness, we will need a bit of help sometimes and great doses of confidence and lightness. If we trust and don´t expect too much, we will see how the tiny seeds of learning, free from their seclusion, start to give rise to new hopes

DAY 359

"The only thing that endures over time is the 'Law of the Farm.'
You must prepare the ground, plant the seed, cultivate, and water if you expect to reap the harvest."

Stephen Covey

DAY 358

ceaseless passion

If I look back to my life, I would say that the recurring theme that have woven my experiences into a story has been my thirst for learning. Indeed this could well be the main leitmotiv of my whole existence

This thirst for learning have adopted many forms: intellectual curiosity, need to understand, analytic attitude. Need to know more, to know why and to know how things are made or can be made. I´ve been engaged in every sort of knowledge and skills which I thought could be interesting, useful, appealing or simply singular

I have acquired them through study and experiences and trough observing, listening and musing on all the issues that my mind considers to be strange or intriguing. Indeed, I´ve been captivated by the most varied themes and when I focus on one of them I like to have an exhaustive vision of it, even if it is a hobby

I am always exploring new options, reading books, underlining the main ideas, taking notes and making lists of what I have to do in order to know more. Since I have started to make good progress with my inner journey, I have added intuition to the way I learn. This has given me a more comprehensive vision and has permitted me to make the best of what I learn and consequently, has made me more efficient

However, the main benefit of it has been firstly, the reduction of the urgency. Now when I discover something new, when I want to implement a change or find a new way to improve myself, I don´t feel overwhelmed: I take time, I even let things settle and lie dormant, and do what I can do in a given moment. And secondly, an increasing sense of connection. Now I am able to make room for my inner wisdom too: his helps me a lot to discern and choose when to pause, when to act, when to wait...

I still make a lots of lists, but their content is a bit different now. I mix things I have to do with kind invocations; ideas and goals with sweet reminders... so they are not pressing, they are a space where I can look for wonderful options and not a string of expectations. Now I know there is not need to rush, I can mix intention with action at my own pace, because things will occur in the right moment thanks to a happy coincidence

DAY 357

flowers from an angel

Blog Angels is a wonderful project started by Rosemarie Quinn. Basically you help out another blog

Along the first two weeks in October I´ve been doing such thing secretly mainly by following and commenting on it, but now I have to reveal the blog I´ve being a blog angel for: Eloping Stethoscope by the wonderful Paige

Her blog is fantastic, so dynamic and interesting. It´s characterized by a great variety of themes and activities, and it´s very interactive, there is always something new where you can take part in. She also introduce new people and sites frequently, and her writings are vivacious and compelling. What else can I say?. You should go there and have a look 

I don´t know if  I can do something else to help her out, because she is an amazing blogger and has hundreds of followers, but I think the spirit of this project (in the last two weeks) is not only to give support to the blog but also to the person who is behind it, so I am sure we will find out a way

Paige, if you need anything, please let me know... 

PS: If you like this project, and you would like to sign up, there will be another edition in December. Read here

DAY 356

at home

where love doesn´t need to wear full dress

where rooms don´t have to look like a decoration magazine´s vignette

where you can find odd cushions made by hand

where some objects don´t go very well with other but have a place anyway

where colors are vibrant and not always complementary

where not all the pictures are signed, but are significant

where books are everywhere and there are childish hearts decorating the walls

where an unfinished dollhouse is awaiting

where candles blink and raise my prayers to heaven

where crystals and mirrors are not always perfectly clean

where there are many teapots for a sole tea drinker

where a Christmas village remains on display all year long

where the bed is not made every single day

where there are not two lamps to match

where dishes get mixed up without rhyme or reason

where a pitcher can be a vase


at home, my work in progress, where an old t-shirt makes me feel all dressed up, where angels and kitties share the shelves and my heart brims with joy


at home

DAY 355

this is my path

... A path made of

beauty, calm and serenity

questions, serendipity and perseverance

ups and downs

intention, lightness and an open heart

acceptance, fullness , gratitude

tears, pauses and sweet reminders

vulnerability, balance and a healthy oblivion

certain yearning, changes, doubts

tiny relapses, pieces of mellowed anger and self-improvement

awesome finds, confidence, epiphanies

helping hands, an ounce of sorrow and an arduous detachment

improvisation, surprises, memories

wounds, blessings, time

intricate learning, pleasure, love

leaps of faith, gifts and dreams

recurrent fears under control

wise messages

glimpses of complete peace

joy


abundance

DAY 354

musing on guidance

DAY 353

how would you describe this?

I said in a previous post that I am a lover of words, but I must say that I am also a believer in words. The words we use create the world around us and somewhat, they alter our self-concept in a positive or negative way. Indeed, there are words and phrases which are transforming, and other that prevent us from evolve. This doesn´t mean lying or creating a false reality, it means focusing on the positive side of things but not evading sincerity. In short, changing our point of view and opening our minds to a new way to see reality

I have always cultivated this ability and photography has helped me to even increase it

When I saw this rose for the very first time, it caught my eye immediately but I didn´t say to myself this is only another withered rose (and believe me, I am conscious of how many photos of withered roses I have published)

 I didn´t say to myself this is old, this is ugly, this is useless, I exclaim: what a beauty!. And that simple phrase changed the whole thing: those words allowed me to be faced with the real experience of life. I felt how my heart started to bloom while I was shooting and how I became more and more sensitive after every passed second... I saw elegance, allure, strength, dignity, power and the chance of keeping the attractive regardless the age 

Of course, bring this transforming language closer to my inner dialogue has not been that easy. Indeed, using gentle words to describe my mood, my body or my character without having the feeling that I was deceiving myself, has involved a great deal of work: I was so afraid to succumb to the temptation to overly sweeten my viewpoint... but suddenly I realized that staying true to my vision hadn´t nothing to do with hypercriticism and also I noticed that there was something extremely captivating in treating me well

Once again, photography (and in particular self-portraiture) has helped me regarding this matter... but first I started to change the words I used to described what I was seeing, and then beauty emerged

DAY 352

persistence

I have published a few photos of this tree already. It has been flowering since late may and it has not stopped, so I couldn´t resist taking a few new shots like this one

I don´t known how this can happen. Indeed, it´s not the only variety of trees that are still blooming. I don´t even know the name of many of them, but at this stage I have started to feel curious about this issue

I wonder what kind of healthy balance is needed to make this happen and where lies the secret of such abundance. The weather this summer has been awful, we have been suffering heat waves since late may till this week and we have had no rain during the spring so outer elements haven´t be favorable. However, there must be a sort of inner strength or resilience that can keep them alive

The same inner strength and resilience that make us keep on walking: we, human beings share these attributes with trees and other living beings, but often we don´t discover it till external circumstances put us to the test. Then we realize that we are stronger than we expected and wiser than we thought and also that the there is a tiny sparkle inside us that is quite obstinate, a sparkle called life

DAY 351

"The next message you need is always right where you are."

Ram Dass

DAY 350

gifted 

After the last weeks of frights, shocks and challenges and the busy days trying to catch up with my academic tasks, my classes and seminars with my students, I´ve started to feel moments of sudden joy. Pure, boundless and mysterious joy that takes me by surprise when I less expect it

During those moments I discover myself thinking about how lucky I am and feel amazed by all the gifts I have personally received. These moments  are not rational or justified, on the contrary, they are like brief sparks of clear light, and don´t come from my mind or from my heart but from a much more deeper and balanced place, which is not a place of ego, but a place of gratitude, a place where I can love myself fully

Along the days I have discovered that they are allowing me to count my blessings in a way that I had never done before, from a more honest viewpoint, because it´s related to my own talents and powers, about what makes me remarkable, and not about what surrounds me

This new attitude is an u-turn in my life because brings thankfulness to a new level, is subtle and precious (and not conceited) and makes me acknowledge my own attributes

It seems a bit strange (and even awkward)  to be blogging about them, but here it goes. These are my gifts: 

creative, curious, always learning

conscious, willing to be authentic, deeply connected to my inner wisdom

grateful, gentle and respectful

hard worker, intuitive, fully open to the universe messages

learning to be flexible and spontaneous, aware of the great importance of acceptance

proactive, realistic (I try to see things as they are), willing to make decisions and to solve problems

joyful

still learning to be visible

fierce advocate of self-knowledge as a way to growth (I see this life as a learning & healing process)

discoverer of healing moments that can change life and able to make them evident through images and texts

honest, responsible, able to keep the calm

willing to forgive (but finally aware of my own boundaries) and courageous (regardless my fears)

lover of everydayness (I truly believe that daily simple things have the power to awakening us)

believer in love, hope, peace and clarity

intelligent, always willing to challenge myself, not afraid to feel vulnerable

elegant and handsome (I can be attractive even when I am not conventionally pretty)

meticulous, lover of silence, able to see connections between things

spiritual seeker that loves to share her finds

still doing my inner work and enjoying the process

lover of words (I read and write almost every day since I can remember)

teacher, not only because it´s my profession, but because it´s my vocation.

I see beauty everywhere, in particular, in my own path and I am able to help others to discover this beauty

DAY 349

"There are no coincidences.

Every event we experience and every person we meet has intentionally been put in our path to help raise our level of consciousness."

Cheryl Richardon

... and also every little pet

When I think all the odd things that had to happen (read here) to make this baby came to my side, I feel amazed. But it had to be that way: she was destined to share her life with us. She brought with her the gift of joy and sweet lessons related to playfulness and warm affection. She fears not and has always the nicest  and more amusing mood you can imagine

We (J., the resident cat and me) are much more happier since she is at home and much more aware of the great importance of having some fun

DAY 348

in the park II

I love going to walk to the park which is a tiny microcosm that shows me what life is about and also, a fascinating organic being that has its own pace, and breathes according the seasons

There you can see the best side of each of them and even when they are not very noticeable here due to our climate, you will always find something special  that will remind you the uniqueness of every season. All the seasons become interesting and appealing there, but no doubt, my favorite one is autumn

If you go to the park this month and the next one you won´t pay attention to the falling leaves which are not the main feature of this time of the year here -indeed leaves are falling and sprouting the whole year-, but you will be amazed by the marvelous touches of red

You will never see so much red in the park as you will see throughout this season. The color scheme includes all the shades of that color from scarlet to magenta, from amaranth to maroon, not to mention the vermillion, burgundy or carmine

The rest of the colors go pale comparing to the reds, except for the gold yellows, ochres and ambers which are also characteristic of autumn. And many others don´t even appear. Indeed the subtle mauves, the charming coral pinks or the soft apricot yellow have left the park along spring and the purples, fuchsias and magentas were very typical of summer. So when I go to the park these days I feel like entering a red universe. And this links me deeply to earth, makes me feel more steady but also more alive and confident

As you may already know, the red color red is associated to first chakra which is said that pulses with a vivid color red, it is also associated with the sense of being grounded and at one with the planet we inhabit... so this can be the reason why I feel this way when I walk around the park now 

As a Reiki practitioner and therapist, I know that working with chakras can be an effective way to physical and spiritual wellbeing, and I know that a healthy chakra accepts positive energy from outside and project them both within and without, but I am always astonished when I sense things that greatly benefit my chakras -and permit them work properly- and this happens spontaneously, out of a deliberate practice. Maybe because this makes me feel that our road toward enlightenment can be walked without so much effort or strife once we are open to what the universe offers us: like a pretty park around the corner

Soon the beiges, silvery whites and ash grays of the winter will start to change the park, but till then, I´ll keep on enjoying this powerful connection and sense of belonging to the world

DAY 347

in the park

I am finally restarting my walks and catching up with all the wonderful changes that have occurred lately in the park next to my house 

One of the things that makes it  so interesting (apart from its size, it´s quite big) is the great variety of plants, flowers and trees that live there together. Our mild weather makes possible to cultivate many kind of plants that  have different growing and  flowering periods.  So when one goes there,  one always finds something interesting to look at and becomes familiar with the cycles of life without noticing

Birth and death are happening every single moment in the park  and I have learnt to appreciate the magnificent beauty of this fact and to find equally charming any step of the process

In the park I have understood that life is made of any of those steps. Life is not only present in the moments of development or in the moments of greatest splendor, it´s also present in the moments of decline. It´s present when the door is first opened till when we last close it, and  there is a radiant beauty that pervades all these moments 

We´ll be able to see it if we don´t be trapped in preconceived ideas about what life should be which are linked to perfection, immutability, control and so on 

Most of us are trapped in them, but a good walk along my park  will make us to question them and move forward a new understanding of things

DAY 346

identity

I think that one of the things that has helped me more to deal with the most difficult circumstances of my life has been a certain sense of oneness that I have always felt

Regardless my confusion along some periods and all the things that I have had to balance and regulate, I have always felt that deep inside me there was an unique core which made me be myself, someone as unusual, special and exceptional as any other one, someone peerless who deserved to be seen, appreciated

This didn´t make me happy because one of my biggest frustrations came from what I perceived as a lack of appreciation and validation of other people, so I rearranged my whole life in order to reverse this tendency. But the more I did that, the more that unique core became invisible to others and even to me. And the more this happened, the more frustrated I felt, and more I had the sense that something was wrong in my life

All this occurred because I was not clear about the great importance of my own attitudes in this process

I have talked about this in many previous post so I won´t go into this topic in depth, suffice is to say that through my search I discovered the main role I was developing in this situation and realized that I had to appreciate and validate myself first if I wanted to get the same thing from other people

I started to be gentler with myself, to explore the reasons why I had felt that way during all my life and mainly, my inner self. I learnt to feed and nurture all the good things that are part of it and to let that unique core (which I had always felt inside me)  to bloom and expand. And I undertook this healing journey that still lasts, and has led me to a territory where loving myself is a real possibility

The funny things is that now I have strengthened my own identity and the relationship with myself, I can´t care less the others opinions. Of course, I am grateful for their love but I am not willing to live my life according to their expectations... not anymore.  I rather prefer to stay true to who I am and keep in touch with my center.

Because this center, although it has been weakened quite often, is not contrived or false, is not a simple copy of something real, it´s authentic, genuine and trustworthy

It´s the true essence of what I´ve always been and I will always be. It´s eternal and in constant evolution and due to this, it is intimately close to the universe wisdom and its guidance. And nothing compares to this

DAY 345

"The Master observes the world
but trusts his inner vision.
He allows things to come and go.
His heart is open as the sky."

Lao Tzu

DAY 344

the compassionate path 

The rescuer role creates the need of drama in order to reaffirm oneself once and again. If one doesn´t handle it with care, one becomes a martyr and starts an infernal cycle, because every martyr will find always new victims who need to be saved and through this process, victims turn into abusers, indeed some of them are true abusers in disguise

When rescuers feel that they are becoming a martyr they have to correct the situation and think along different lines, because help and love can be given without suffering and extreme self-sacrifice. Often this takes time, but works

However, when a rescuer meets an abuser, that´s another matter. They fight a bloody battle

If you are lucky enough and you can triumph over that situation and recover your own vision, you will need tons of goodwill to overcome the after-effects, because they will demand you forgiveness, improve your personal competences, let go pain, connect with your inner wisdom and much more. But regardless all this, if you have been able to break free from that kind of relationship, sooner or later you will enjoy life and develop positive aims

At the very beginning, it might look impossible, there so much to deal with, so many undesirable consequences and effects... but if you persevere, if you trust you inner voice, are patient and treat you well and lovingly, one day you will discover you are ready to move on

I know it well, I´ve been there, and now my path is sweeter and more beautiful than ever

DAY 343

through the framework of my mind

We all are under the influence of our story, experiences and life circumstances. This creates a way to interpret what is happening around us that it is not always sane. It works as a sort of filter that selects data, leaving us with a biased perspective

Paradoxically, the more we analyze life using this perspective, the more we think it´s right. This happens because it only lets us see what is according to its principles. Every little thing that can prove that it is wrong will be ignored, and becomes a sort of anathema to the person who is using a given paradigm. Even when one feels that the paradigm is not as useful as before, the person keeps being faithful to it and even looks for ways to justify its contradictions

My paradigm told me that I had to please others if I wanted to be loved. And even more, I should be rescuer if I wanted to be loved

My father passed away when I was only five after an illness that lasted a few years. Even when my six brothers and sisters were living at home when my father died, after a year or so, my mother, my brother (who is a disabled person) and me were living alone. My parents  story had been too complicated and I felt that I had to help my mother to keep up with her life, so I took many responsibilities and started to be what people expected me to be

After a few years, my sister (who later we discovered had a serious mental disease) came back home, and started to psychologically abuse us. Believe me or not, I was convinced I was the strongest of us (time has proved this to be true), so I became the rescuer of them. I protected my mom and my brother from my sister -and from their other problems- and I even tried to save her from her own attitudes trying to became her best friend (!)

The way my sister manipulated me is indescribable. She also manipulated the rest of my family but I was her favorite target 

It took me almost forty years to figure out what was happening in my life and the influence of those circumstances on me. I was so used to living that way that somehow I had normalized them and I thought the problem was in me (of course, my sister always said this to me) 

But looking for an explanation to my unease, and all my unbalanced behaviors, I found out that what I considered to be normal was indeed a chaos, where the main problem was a serious ill person with a history of pills and alcohol abuse and borderline behaviors... and it was not me

Now I can´t believe that regardless all this I could create good things, like a professional career, a steady relationship and so on. And sometimes I wonder how did I manage to stay upright while living all those things without much external support, because my sister -like many other abusers- was able to win people´s sympathy, mostly lying to them and playing the victim (indeed, she mastered that art).But I did it, and the latest years I´ve been even able to break that abusive relationship and create room for other experiences

The harm all this caused me is not little, but I am dealing with it and I am happy with myself. However, I am always afraid of a sudden relapse, afraid of my responses to certain stimulus, afraid of being not strong enough to face up another episode of this soap opera (I still have strong confrontations with my sister when we see each other by chance in my mom´s house)

But all the things that have happened the last week  have made me see that this journey of mine is a journey meant to understand and rebuild the frames of my mind, and also that I have created already those alternative frames I was looking for. I am so glad!, this is right the confirmation I was needing