DAY 312

the find

I go for a long walk several times a week. Most of the times, I go to the park near my house and carry the camera with me, even when I am going out late and the light is not as good as it should be, just in case

As you may already know I can be very stubborn, so if I go out late and I´ve been a few days without taking photos outside, I insist on taking some, whatever happens (yes, I know...)

Before this could ruin my walk (or my photos, thanks god I don´t have an analog camera) but now I have learnt to take it easy and the only thing I do is follow the sun and look for the little patches of light it is leaving behind. Quite often, there are precious gifts awaiting me there

This time I discovered that strelitzias -also know as bird of paradise- are flowering again, they probably would have gone unnoticed at any other moment

When I do that, I can´t help thinking that my light´s hunting through the park is just a metaphor of my journey, not only because I have realized that I  must trust light and this has led me to amazing places, but because mastery comes with practice

DAY 311

miracle by chance

going here and there

while I am looking for something else

I found these little treasures


I touch them gently

and I hear the murmur of the ocean

I ask them, what are you doing here?

No answer, only glimpses of blue sea


I ask them, why did I keep you so long?

No answer, only a sense of amazement

I ask them, what message did you convey?

No answer, only a wave of tenderness


I ask them, where could you be now?

No answer, only the sense of sand under my barefoot feet

I ask them, what can I learn now from this simple act of the past?

No answer, but I am quite certain that kindness is the only reply


I ask them, where is now the girl that went all over the coast and picked you up?

A sigh, I am here, I am here -my soul whispered-I´ve always been here...


And it´s true, somehow, my inner self have managed to be active throughout all these years, regardless my need to hide it. It´s awesome how something so simple and even accidental can change the whole outlook of one´s life

DAY 310

the sweetest accomplishment

I usually plan summers to update my personal projects, make some crafts and catch up with my house keeping. This causes contradictory sentiments, because even when I feel I have to stop and do nothing, I also want to make things that otherwise I won´t be able to do

As a recovering perfectionist, I still am prone to make the most of every opportunity to create the ideal life that I think I should be living and I still too concerned by doing. I try to be watchful, but summer with its long and free days can be very tempting. So during this season I often fluctuate between acceptance of my needs and fulfillment of my wishes

This year when my summer vacation started I had many objectives, but now, it is almost over and most of them keep untouched. After two weeks at my mom´s house, when I was back home I didn´t find the mood and the strength to start to paint a wall, rearrange wardrobes, make collages or face up cluttered drawers. Usually, I would have felt uneasy, but this time I didn´t feel up to anything

Paradoxically, this situation has had a wonderful effect: all that inner conflict has disappeared, time has faded away and the only thing I´ve done  is following my heart (even when it has carried me to complicated places sometimes) and, believe me,  this is the best thing that could happen to me

When this morning I thought that work would start next Monday, I started to feel frustrated, very frustrated, but then I realized that I was going on about the same vicious circle again. So I decided to realize the above analysis, and to point out the good things of this summer vacation:

I´ve discover the rewarding side of caring and also,

spoken with my own voice

noticed that feeling uneasy doesn´t change my true inner mood

started to move forward from anger to compassion

realized that I´ve healed most of my wounds

embraced my perspective regardless external judgments

been gentle to myself and respected my own pace

discover that I can deal peacefully with my old mind frames

trusted my truth

acknowledged that my story matters

and

abandoned my need to prove anything


So this summer, maybe I haven´t rested or done a lot but I have experienced many relevant things that make me feel proud of myself (which is not that usual) and lighter no matter my neglected projects... after all, what achievements could be more significant than being a little bit happier and quieter?

DAY 309

"You are here 
to enable the divine purpose of the universe to unfold. That is how important you are."
 Eckhart Tolle

DAY 308

reminders of my own purpose

This is a corner of my altar, where I have displayed things that are highly significant to me and convey a message about how I want to live my life. It is made on top of a red table because it suggests the fact that I wanted to feel that I really belong here

In the photo you can see:

Different versions of the Tao Te Ching that remind me that I am in a path which leads me to personal fulfillment. On them, two tiny china bowls, that symbolize the healing power of little things

A wood censer painted by hand that symbolizes serenity. On it, there is an old style nib that evokes creativity

A tree seed. I took it home from the park and it reminds me that I have to stay connected to nature

One of my sisters brought me the blue translucent jar from England as a present twenty years ago or so. She bought it in a street market and always has been with me. Last years it had been stored away but a few months ago I decided to exhibit it here. It talks about the great importance of love, limits and forgiveness

I change some things from time to time because they help me to physically represent those things that I am dealing with in a concrete moment, wishes, dreams and also, achievements. It´s a simple, yet effective, tool to create a visual map of my inner territory and makes me to be more aware of it

I love it, not only because is visually and emotionally appealing, but because it brings infinite chances of awakening to my life


PS: Do you have an altar  or something like that  at home?  What kind of items do you usually display on it? I would love to hear about it

DAY 307

the foreigner

When I was a girl and later on, when I was a teen and a very young woman I usually spent part of my summer vacations in a tourist village by the sea, where there were tourists from all over Europe

 I always noticed middle-aged women who looked secure and happy, charming and carefree, those whose behavior indicates a certain maturity. They were quite different from the women of the same age I knew, who were much more traditional, and often, more old-fashioned and very provincial in their outlook

I imagined them to be strong, independent, passionate and unconventional. I also imagined how wonderful would be to stay in a place where you could be anything you wanted to because no one expects nothing from you

Of course, I didn´t know them personally, and they could be anything, but they represent something I aspired to: freedom, self-acceptance, no need to please anyone,  a deep  and appealing personality, culture, determination, character, wisdom, calm  and  joy 

A whole life has passed since I was there having my vacations and telling stories to myself about my forthcoming life and the kind of woman I would be in the future

Now that future has arrived and has almost passed. I wouldn´t imagined life to be so tough, complicated and interesting. I wouldn´t imagined myself to be so wounded due to things which in that time I considered normal. I wouldn´t imagined my uniqueness could be so harmful. I wouldn´t imagined myself struggling against my own experiences so hard and emerging after this wonderful journey...

I hadn´t thought about all this for a long, long time, but when I saw my own reflection I had the feeling that I had achieved what I was in pursuit of. Maybe the path has been twisted but now I am like I imagined those women to be.

Now I am the foreigner, I am not what I was meant to be according my context, my circumstances, my family origins and so on,  but I am  not a foreigner to myself, not an outsider in my inner space.

I fully belong to this moment, to this life I live, to this place

I fully am the person I am


PS:  I took this self portrait a while ago. Since I edited it, the content of this post started to go round and round in my head but I haven´t been able to materialize what I was thinking about in concrete words till today. When I found it again going through my files, the ideas dealt with in this post came to my mind in one go

DAY 306

musing on endearment 

DAY 305

inspired by noon in the city

A beautiful shape produces an amazing shadow every time the light comes into contact with its surface. This means that shadow exists because there is light, but shadow is always a bit distorted image of the real object

Even so, the shadow shares many thing with the original object. So much so that it manages to evoke it

The shadow has a sort of charm but is more unstable. It can be also over-elaborated and often it is not able to represent exactly the original object

Shadow depends on the angle of light and its potency. When there is not light, there is not shadow, only darkness

Our soul creates a shadow because there is light inside and around us

The way this light comes into contact with us is conditioned by our life experiences. So they create our shadow. It is made of the same matter than our soul but it is distorted

What people (and even ourselves) often see of us is our shadow, not our most inner being. This shadow can have a great allure but it is also very affected. It is artificial and designed to impress because it´s made to compensate our past deficiencies (or what we´ve  interepreted to be such thing).  It is not our authentic self although it has lots of it

We are prone to think that we are our shadow, but we are not

When we start to examine our life experiences for the purpose of explanation we start to understand how shadow was created. And we start to get in touch with the shape that gave rise to the shadow

When we do it, we permit the light fully illuminates us, and the shadow starts to be shorter or less twisted


If this happens we discover our true nature. And we find huge reserves of love, serenity and kindness in our inward and outer world

DAY 304

back to normality

The washing machine is working
tons of clothes have been folded
dishes and cups are washed
and the kitchen table is gleaming


My two orchids have been watered
the subtle aroma of lemon detergent and baby´s cologne pervades the air
in the altar a candle twinkles and sends my prayers to universe
and a Japanese incense of rose awaits to be burned


Cushions look soft and fluffy
blinds are pulled down
one kitty is lazing about, having their umpteenth nap after her early breakfast (so bed will be made later on)
and the other is waiting for me in the living room, as usual


I can hear children laughs, they are playing outside
inside I move around like a figure skater, placing things here and there, moving back to appreciate the effect
in the kettle the water is boiling
and a good book is ready to be read


Pain has vanished without a trace
I feel the walls of the house as a big shield
I cut a piece of bran bread
and sigh


Gosh! I guess I am happy

day 303

blooming step by step

This time at my mom´s house have been complicated, not only because I was concerned by my mom´s health condition but because all the things I have written in previous post. But even when it might seem hard to believe, it have been complicated in a positive way. All those things have stirred many good feelings  that have emerged after my first sorrowful response and  I haven´t experienced before while dealing with family issues

These feeling are partly caused by the pleasure I feel when I have the chance to take care of my mom. I used to think that I was not the care-giver type person, I´ve always been too tense, strict, reserved and a bit aloof, but I have found unexpected stocks of patience and gentleness inside me. Of course, some circumstances awake the best of us, but I think I have much to thank to this journey, that have mellowed my character and have made me acknowledge the real important things in life. Before, I used to think that being loved unconditionally were the most important thing in life, but now I have learned that the true privilege is loving unconditionally

Indeed, I truly believe that I am not now the person that I used to be. All the inner work I have done, and in particular, the 302 posts I have written here, have changed my mind frame completely, not to talk about my mood and my emotional landscape. Now, regardless the remaining conflicts, I feel more essentially me than ever before. Paradoxically, I feel less attached to me than ever before, maybe because my process have had a profound spiritual dimension

The great thing is that even when I still feel shocked with some of our dynamics and I can relapse in bad habits (perfectionism, anger, self-contempt... you name it) this doesn´t change my inner tranquility that can be outshone, but doesn´t disappear

Back home, I have realized that my wounds are cicatrized and what I experienced was just a feeling of discomfort and a sort of identification with my old role that I could avoid next time, because deep inside I feel...


Secure, strong, powerful

Joyful serene centered

Funny, beautiful, notable

unique

wise

aware

happy, with room for improvement

amazed

able to relish and embrace life


and what is more important:


healed and not driven to to demonstrate anyone of the previous things

DAY 302

the return

Back my home after fourteen days at my mom´s house has been a shocking experience. I wanted so much to be here again, but when I arrived all the things I was looking forward seemed to have lost all their glamour

Silence was not so inviting

Rest was not so desirable

Free time was not so tempting

Aloneness was not so appealing

Contemplation was not so alluring, not at all

And the serene pace of my days was not captivating anymore

I missed being in charge of family routines. I felt exhausted. I didn´t want to keep giving more of myself. I wanted to be indulged with a great deal of attention. I knew the ones who stayed at home were waiting for me and my affection. I didn´t feel strong enough to give them what they were waiting for. I didn´t feel balanced enough to accept their love. I felt empty. I felt undermined by sorrow. I was bewildered and overwhelmed

J., using his infinite patience and wisdom, let me alone. He knew I needed time to returned to my normal mood. So he prepared a light dinner, kissed me goodnight and sent me to bed. How can he be so sweet?. How can I be so lucky?

When I went to bed I very much doubted that I would be able to appear calmed down the morning after. When I woke up, he was at work but look who was waiting for me?

I hadn´t cuddled her very much the day before. But there she was in the coffee table, knowing that I would arrive there to have a cup of tea, featuring what I call her granny face (after all, she is 14 years old), looking at me so seriously and understandingly but a bit sad. She seemed to know that this storm too would pass...

And a little voice inside me said: awake! don´t you know that light is inside you?

DAY 301

"Compassion is not a relationship 
between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity." 

Pema Chodron

DAY 300

destiny

I found this old photo at my mom´s house. Of course, I had seen it before. She has a whole drawer full of old photos and when I was younger I usually rummaged through them to find tiny treasures like this

This photo has a curious story. Long ago, my mother told me its meaning but she didn´t know how it ended up at my house. As you can see it´s a photo taken in Carnival. Probably, it was taken near her house, because the little girl who is sat on the young man´s lap is my mom (it´s a pity that her face can´t be appreciated better). The two pierrots in the back of the photo are my mother´s brother in law and the youngest one is my mother´s brother (on the right side). But the most important thing about this photo is this: the young man who is behind the boy who is holding my mom -yes, the one who is showing his tongue- is my dad

My mom and dad lived in a very small city where everyone knew each other, but the main reason they are together in this photo must be that my mother´s brother in law and my father were cousins. She is sure she were there accidentally; she was not meant to be there, as she was only a little girl, but at that time carnival where celebrated along the day and this group probably went to my grandmother´s house to have a drink and something to eat

This photo was taken circa 1928. And probably my mother is the only one of all them that is still alive. I´ve been talking about this with her  these days. She can´t believe how time has flown. She said me, we always think we will have time, but one day you wake up and you´re that old... and you have not all that time anymore... but what else can we do except living?

While we were talking, I realized that this photo also shows the background of my own story, the moment where everything was starting to hatch. And I feel so very lucky to have this precious testimony of my lineage

On the other hand, I remembered this quote by  Carl Jung , that I truly believe is the perfect caption for it: 

"I feel very strongly that I am under the influence of things or questions which were left incomplete and unanswered by my parents and grandparents and more distant ancestors. It often seems as if there were an impersonal karma within a family which is passed on from parents to children. It has always seemed to me that I had to answer questions which fate had posed to my forefathers, and which had not yet been answered, or as if I had to complete, or perhaps continue, things which previous ages had left unfinished."

Indeed, when I look at this photo now, I feel in my heart that I am dealing not only with things related to my own life, but also with things related to my ancestor´s life. And also that I am looking for a way to integrate not only my story, but their stories in the new weft of my life



PS: My mother has been ill, she is getting better, and this is why I am behind with my post. Now that I am a bit quieter, I am transcribing my impressions of previous days 

DAY 299

feeling isolated II


How many times I have wanted to talk about this or that

and my words went unheeded? 


how many times I have wanted to share my wishes and dreams

and we have ended up talking about their wishes and dreams? 


how many times I have wanted to pour my heart out to them

and I have had to comfort them, instead? 


how many times I have wanted to show off some of my achievements

and they have sang someone else´s praises? 


how many times I have wanted to feel beautiful, loved, important

and they have ignored me? 


how many times I have wanted to hear an applause

and I have had to applaud?


how many times I have wanted a pat on the back

and I have gone unnoticed? 


how many times I have wanted to be heard

I have had to hear their problems, anecdotes or concerns? 


how many times I have wanted to explain my point of views

and I have been invalidated?


More that I can count on my fingers

From outside it can be seeing as a complex problem with many sides, the result of old and hard to explain dynamics... no doubt, it is. From outside, it can be seeing as a matter of emotional intelligence, no doubt, we were not strong on that topic. From outside, this can be even estimate as a self-esteem problem of that who is writing... it can be, it can be 

From inside, it is more simpler... from inside is the story of a disequilibrium, because I was a girl and they were adult (in fact, my eldest sisters are more than fifteen years older than me) 

From inside is the story of an upside down world, where I was treated as an adult when I was too young to understand that I wasn´t such thing. A world where I have had to act as an adult but I have not the privilege of claiming my perspective because I am the youngest. A world where I only have duties but I have not rights, where my voice is not important, and my success is played down but I have tons of responsibilities. A world where I cannot complain because no one seems to see what I see, no one wants to change things... maybe because this would mean to accept supposed past mistakes

The true is that it´s not anybody fault, but this is the upside down world where I have had  to live in order to feel connected to my closer family. I come in and out of it once and again but I am tired. So tired

Talking about this with my mother one of these days, she said to me: you are the little one, but you´re older than many others at the same time. This is something my husband  and friends have said to me tons of times but I haven´t wanted to assume it    

And suddenly I realized that my world is upside down because I want it to be this way, the only thing I have to do is standing up on my own life and  claiming  my power. This way, I will be able not only to liberate myself, but to show the compassion that lies inside me

Resistance won´t mend my lost childhood. Vindication won´t make my current life easier 

It´s time to move forward

DAY 298

Walking a tightrope
while performing balancing feats
I look up and down
and I feel that I am walking by a wire stretched above what already have happened 
and far away from what could be 


Walking a tightrope
I am spinning on one foot, performing dangerous pirouettes
pretending to keep others happy with my skills and dedication
I look up and down
and I feel that I am above a sea of misunderstandings 
under a sky of promises 


Walking a tightrope
on tiptoe
silently
I doubt I will win
I look up and down
and  I feel that I am not going to reach the other side
there is abyss and chaos deep down 
light and serenity in the highest 


Walking a tightrope
considering the consequences of my acts, words and gestures
I make haste slowly
in order to live the life I dream about while honoring my past
  and without betraying my true self 
I am afraid I can fall 
and trust I will be able to fly if necessary


Walking a tightrope
moving to and fro
the only thing I can do is keep on walking
relying in my strength
keep on taking a step forward every time to escape from insanity
and cross the finishing line of clarity

because this is what my life is about



PS: My mother has been ill, she is getting better, and this is why I am behind with my post. Now that I am a bit quieter, I am transcribing my impressions of previous days 

DAY 297

about caring 

My mother is getting a lot better. She has a heart and kidney failure due to age and hypertension, apart from poor mobility, and she started to retain liquid. It went to her lungs, which is not good at all because this makes the conditions of her heart and kidney even worse, which can be dangerous as she will be 88 next november

Regardless if I like it or not, the thing is that she has became more dependent last year, and she needs our cares more than ever before

Sometimes, when I talk about this with some of my siblings, I feel overly dramatic... it´s like I am being too gloomy, when I am just realistic. I only try to represent things in a way that is accurate and true to my mom´s circumstances. I try to focus on solutions, not on problems, and mainly in the fact that she needs our help and love (not only professional assistance) right now, not tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, but today.  We won´t have endless chances to do it, we will only have this life, this time, this moment  

Of course, one of the underlying reasons that justify this can be that this is a significant stage, but it is not the only one. As far as I am concerned, the main reason why I think we should do this is she deserves it. She has always deserved it, but before she was strong and capable and now she is fragile and vulnerable

Undoubtedly, we cannot leave our lives adrift because our mother needs us, but we will have to check our priorities, it is a matter of affection and responsability. I am checking my own ones already, but I am determined not  to check or judge theirs. The last decision is up to them 

In any case, I will do what I think I have to do, because the way I want to approach this moment is something that is not between me and my siblings, is something that is between me and my mother, me and my own conscious


PS: My mother has been ill, she is getting better, and this is why I am behind with my post. Now that I am a bit quieter, I am transcribing my impressions of previous days 

DAY 296

"As far as inner transformation is concerned,
there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot transform yourself, and you certainly cannot transform your partner or anybody else. All you can do is create a space for transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter."

Eckhart Tolle

DAY 295

feeling isolated 

When I read my notes about my family I realize that I can seem obsessed with the past and I am not. I have let go my past and I truly believe I have been able to heal it. I know what happened, I have accepted my story and how it affected the way I see life and I have even incorporated it to my current life. I know I am still dealing with some of its consequences, but they are insignificant if I compare them to all the things I have overcame. I am clear about who I am, what I am doing here and the what I want to do from now on

My past is a key that explains many things, that´s why I can´t ignore it, but I am not trapped in it. Now I see my past as any other past, I don´t complain about it, I don´t want no one to compensate me for it. I don´t feel I have nothing to forgive, either

I have looked for answers that could explain my inner pain, and I have found many in my early years, that´s all. I don´t blame anyone for them. I try not to wallow in self-pitty

I am happy with my own process, but when something happens that makes me be in deep contact with my family again, I am prone to look back once again but not with anger

I only do it to reinforce my convictions, my viewpoints, because I feel totally invalidated. My mother finds easier to accept them, but most of my siblings don´t want to hear what I have to say. Some of them just don´t talk, and some of them get offended by my words so I have never obtained the confirmation I am expecting

I understand the reason why they are reluctant, but the more they resist, the more I insist on getting it, with no success. I revise all the facts and arguments and I bring the old sentiments up again, just to find out that I am not mistaken

 It´s a sickly attitude, I know, and probably a waste of time (once again, I know...) but I can´t help myself. I am always determined not to argue with my family over some issues, but I always manage to do it, because I feel they are insensitive to my sorrow. And then I feel like begging for some understanding and empathy, and this creates complicated situations. So even when I am not looking back with anger, the whole situation makes me feel frustrated, and it looks as if I might be angry

I wish I could care less my family´s confirmation of my value and truth. I know I have to stop doing this, they won´t change their mind, so I have to change my attitude... but our past is a shared territory and I find hard to reconcile my ideas with theirs and I don´t even know if this could be desirable...

Anyway, this is making me become aware of something really important: I had always thought I would need a shared effort in order to feel tranquil in this stage of my life, but I was wrong. Now I know that when people says, let bygones be bygones, often this leans on an unidirectional movement


PS: My mother has been ill, she is getting better, and this is why I am behind with my post. Now that I am a bit quieter, I am transcribing my impressions of previous days

DAY 294

at the old home

Looking at my mom now, I wonder where the years have gone. As when I am anxious, I tend to be pessimistic, I always think first about what we are losing, instead of thinking about what we have had and still have

So in order to focus on the positive, I make mental lists where I emphasize the importance of what we have lived. These lists allow me to count my blessings. When I do that, precious snippets of the experiences we have enjoyed together come to my mind in a flash. I can see them as clear as they were when they happened, but without sharp angles or bitter interpretations

I can see some significant moments: our first travel together to England when I was twelve; all the evenings we went for a swim when the beach was empty because my mother didn´t want people to see her while wearing her swimming suit; the day I defended my PH thesis and so on

But I can see also hundreds of tiny moments of our everyday life: moments around the table, moments in the kitchen, moments with the family and mainly moments of conversation: we have talked so much along the years about so many things... about our respective lives, about our dreams, projects and hobbies, about our family, about our problems, about life and spirituality, about pain and joy, about  past, present  and future...

Indeed I think this is the most important constant in our lives, the ability to share our thoughts and find new themes to explore -apart from the old ones-   regardless our cultural and generational differences, regardles our context

This is something I have to be grateful for. Something I still have today. Something I have to remember when I slip into sadness or negativity

PS: My mother has been ill, she is getting better, and this is why I am behind with my post. Now that I am a bit quieter, I am transcribing my impressions of previous days 

DAY 293

it´s not about love 

Every time I am at my mom´s house I become absorbed by family´s life and this makes me see evidences of old dynamics that don´t affect me when I am at home. This happens because we neither live in the same city, nor in the same island, so when I am back, it´s like time was standing still and nothing would have changed. Regardless the years and the new generations, every person is identified with the same old role without noticing how harmful they can be

This frightens me, because I don´t want to be immersed in the old play. I have the feeling that if I do it all my efforts had been vain but my unwillingness creates conflict. So even if I don´t want to do it, I end up playing my role because this is the only way I can connect with them. But, the thing is that I can´t perform it now as well as I used to do it, so anyway there is conflict

This is the reason why every time I am at my mom´s house I am prone to write about my relationship with my family (and when I say family I am mostly thinking of my mother and siblings), even when this makes me feel guilty

I have the feeling that it looks as if I might be too demanding or hypercritical but I am only trying to establish that there are still big issues that we should face up in order to heal the way we are relating to each other and we are not being able to do it. Issues that are still threaten us

I have found a way to deal with past issues that have given me lots of peace and stability that I would love to share with them, but sadly is not that easy. And this makes me feel frustration, anger, fear... powerlessness

I don´t think I am better person than my sisters. I don´t love them less because I write about our lives. I don´t want them to live according my rules. This is not about comparisons, is not about affection, is not about control, is all about consciousness

But even so,  -I am not sure why-  those things that usually makes me be strong and balanced, makes me also look haughty. And instead of feeling happy and proud of myself (as I usually do), I feel forsaken

desolated

PS: My mother has been ill, she is getting better, and this is why I am behind with my post. Now that I am a bit quieter, I am transcribing my impressions of previous days 

DAY 292

When we are no longer able to change a situation,
we are challenged to change ourselves"

Viktor Frankl

DAY 291

back to the center 
continuation

but next to the center there is a black hole

it´s hard to say it this way, I know, but I am so very tired of feign that it is not there


I have emerged from it

and I´ve stretched out my soul to catch light´s dust

trying to hold tight those who I loved so much, at the same time,

trying to lead them to a safe place,

trying to protect them,

trying to advice those who didn´t want to hear me, to alert them to the danger


it was a huge effort and not always productive:

the sense of family was blown up

and I leapt into space

only to discover that I could fly


I could fly far away from the black hole made of lies, secrets, misunderstandings, manipulation, insanity...

but once and again I was back to look after the castaways because they were so fragile, so vulnerable

and to warn those who still were travelling across that stormy sea about the risks


and once and again obscurity caught me and once and again its bottomless depth took me by surprise

but I wasn´t meant to be a critter of the abyss, I was meant to explore light, so I survived


I survived because I had to be here. I survived because I had to claim clarity. I survived because I had to stay here, right now, beside my mother´s armchair making this stage of her life easier. I survived because I had something to say. I survived because deep inside I knew that beyond the life I was living, there was a haven of peace where I could be renewed


PS: My mother has been seriously ill, she is getting better, and this is why I am behind with my post. Now that I am a bit quieter, I am transcribing my impressions of previous days

DAY 290

back to the center

to the place where everything started

and from where I feel so estranged

but where I can be who I am meant to be



Back to the center

to the place where I dreamt about another life

and  from where I flown away


Back to the center

following the silvery trail that I drew when I left



Back to the center

to the place where I can be involved in complex dynamics that I am afraid I cannot bear again

because there is a delicate cord that ties me to my mom, 

a cord that is stronger than my fear to my complicated family and our troubled circumstances



Back to the center

to the place where she is awaiting

with my new voice, my new gained strength


Back to the center...

we have been fellow traveler for a long time and we will go hand in hand till the end


PS: My mother has been seriously ill, she is getting a bit better, and this is why I am behind with my post. Now that I am a bit quieter, I am transcribing my impressions of previous days

DAY 289

"In your practice you should accept everything as it is,
giving to each thing the same respect given to a Buddha. Then Buddha bows to Buddha, and you bow to yourself. This is the true bow."

Shunryu Suzuki

While dealing with complex sentiments about my family, my story and my role in the play we´re performing (my mother is ill again), I came across this quote and I remembered -once again- the great importance of accepting but not only things as they are, also my own perspective

Sometimes, I feel that when I try to accept something, often I start to be judicious about my own viewpoints, and this causes me confusion. I don´t want to judge -because this makes difficult accepting things as they are- but I don´t want to fall in an absolute relativism, where nothing matters

Acceptance doesn´t mean to resign ourselves to living a life that is not pleasant if it can be changed. It doesn´t mean to praise immobility. On the contrary, it means to be true to what is happening in order to keep on living, evolving, experiencing new things... but we can do it if we are not true to ourselves, to our own feelings, gifts, and the way we see life

As far as I am concerned, acceptance is all about going with the flow and this entails, no resistance and also, stop judging life and embracing the inevitable, but is not about unjustified permissiveness: we must have responses to what is happening, and this response can be either active or passive

I know this in theory, but quite often I find difficult to stay in the happy medium of a serene acknowledgement

DAY 288

overcoming my disquietude 

After a few bad days, with no good news and a sense of unease. What can help me to bring back serenity?

Wise written words

A pretty detail like a bookmark made with a pink ribbon

A tiny and old vase of carved crystal

The velvety texture of sage´s leaves, their unique aroma and beautiful color

Sun light

The composition of a tiny still life - I rather would say a improvised altar- with everyday items

My dance around the objects in order to capture their true essence with my camera

The discovery of their particularities through the lens or depending on perspective

A peace that comes from the impact of the images on my conscience

The feeling of becoming one with what I am creating

A deep sigh that follows concentration and makes heart lighter...


Water starts to boil and tea sachets are claiming me

All is well, my body says and my whole being nods

and a new, and a bit more tranquil day, begins

DAY 287

"Power over others is weakness disguised as strength.
True power if within, and it is available to you now."

Eckhart Tolle

DAY 286

The flamboyant trees are flowering again

There are hundreds of them around my house. The coming and going of the people, cars and the life in the city (which is a small city, anyway) don´t cast a shadow over them and their stunning beauty, but they are part of the scenery and often are not appreciated as they should be. These days their fallen flowers are covering our streets, squares and avenues but people walk and trample on them without any clemency 

I used to do that also. I´ve been living in this city fourteen years or so and I became aware of their wonderful presence only a few years ago. I was too busy, too lost in my thoughts to pay real attention to them. Of course, I could see them with my eyes, but not with my heart

However, one day, coinciding with the start of this journey, I awake to the miracle of their existence and I felt deeply grateful for them. This is one of the reasons why I used their flowers in my blog header because through them I realized that -as  Robert Fulghum said:

"To look this way is to see. To see is to have vision. To have vision is to understand. To understand is to know. To know is to become. To become is to live fully. To live fully is to matter. And to matter is to become light. And to become light is to be loved. And to be loved is to burn. And to burn is to exist. Off and on."

When I saw them again this year I realized that a year had passed since I decided to make this journey more visible and also that I had written 285 posts of this blog (!) 

I can hardly believe that I have been able to keep my determination regardless my work, my up and downs, many circumstances and problems and my mood... I feel so proud of myself. I know that this doesn´t seem a spectacular achievement, but this was so important –even vital- to me 

Along the way I have met amazingly generous persons, mostly women. They  take time to comment on my blog and are kind enough to encourage me to keep on trying. They even want to know more about me and my journey and  are glad that I am sharing it...

Well, this flower was meant to be offered up to you, my friends, with a big, big thanks! 

DAY 285

"Always say "yes" to the present moment
What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to what already is? what could be more insane than to oppose life itself, which is now and always now? Surrender to what is. Say "yes" to life and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you."

Eckhart Tolle

DAY 284

training the vision

Most of the nature photos that I publish are taken in the park near my house. I go there for a walk with my camera quite often and I try to find something interesting. Many days this is quite easy. It is a big park, so there is always a new tree blooming, or can be the way a ray of light come into contact with a leaf

But there are day, in particular in summer, that things that usually are eyecatching, seem to be faded away. Days where my mood makes me blind. Days where I can not pay attention...

Those days, I don´t take many photos, but I do a simple exercise. Before I come back home, I choose a certain area by chance and I have to discover appealing subjects regardless my sense of dullness. I do it on purpose, simply to challenge myself (yes, I know...). As I walk a lot in the park, when I do this exercise, I often go to a place that I already know well. Guess what?, I always find something that went unnoticed the last time I was there

This time I went to the herbs garden. It was almost dusk and it didn´t look like particularly interesting, but the air was pervaded with a wonderful aroma, and when I kneel down, I realized that mint was starting to flowering

Indeed a whole universe unfolded in front my eyes. Bees were working industriously and many butterflies where flying around these little flowers that only are 2 cm tall. I saw ants and tiny buds that were ready to open and even a few ladybugs

I take a deep breath, and for a moment all the boredom vanished and light shone again… and I thought, this is the way I want to look at my life

DAY 283

celebrating real me

My contribution to photo-heart connection this month is related to me and my personal journey in a more deeply way than my previous contributions

A few weeks ago I wanted to take some photos of my feet because it was the weekly theme of a group I joined in flickr. For one reason or another, mainly because this is the way my brain works, I started to think about how feet usually go unnoticed, even when they are so very important and  about my relationship with them and the role they play in my current life, I have discovered that going for a walk is such a therapeutic thing!...

Well, the thing is that I started to play and to take some photos and I published a few of them with my musings. This one, even when it was edited, kept unpublished (I am not sure why) and looking through my files a couple of days ago, I realized this had to be my photo-heart connection of this month because it contains a sort of affirmation that arouses strong emotions in me

I´ve never found myself beautiful. Even when deep inside me  I know I am a good looking woman, without being a conventional beauty and people finds me elegant or attractive, I always managed to find a tiny fault with my body or my face and felt unhappy with them. I was not worried by social speeches about beauty or determined to fit the social stereotypes, I had read enough to understand that this was only market´s trends -or at least this was not the main problem- it was something deeper

When I started this journey, this became secondary, I had so many things to analyze and change inside me. But along the way I worked on areas that started to thrown light upon this issue. I found out the great importance of honoring my body, of treating it well, and realized that this journey was about embracing the whole of me

While I was learning how to do this I was thinking in terms of healing, well-being and conscious, but later on this process has shown itself to be a process that alludes to beauty, a process which is about finding beauty not only around me, but in me, too. This beauty can be  abstract, ethereal beauty, inner beauty,  a beauty which is related to harmony and peace and also real, tangible and even sensual beauty which is much more related to the physical senses

So now I am willing to consider my life and myself to be beautiful in the widest sense of the word, and this include physical beauty

In a sense, this has amazed me. I had imagined this process would lead me to overcome my insecurities about my appearance because I would not be concerned by my body anymore, because I could be beyond the purely physical aspects of my life. I hadn´t imagined this could happen because I would be appreciating, respecting and loving my body. I hadn´t imagined I could be looking at it and see a prodigious creation but also tons of charm

But I am doing this and even more, I am celebrating, improving and enjoying what I have and let me tell you something: I feel more confident and powerful than ever before

DAY 282

"Does the rose have to do something? 
No, the purpose of a rose is to be a rose.
Your purpose is to be yourself. You don't have to run anywhere to become someone else. You are wonderful just the way you are." 

Thich Nhat Hanh

After publishing my previous post I came across this quote and it was like a little pat on my back to remind me that the most important thing about this journey is staying true to myself, to my emotions, no matter how contradictory they can be

Often I think that I am making a real mess of it, because I am still dealing with some of my habits and I can not overcome some of my attitudes and instead of appreciating all the things I have left behind, I focus on what I have still to improve. This is the quintessence of my congnitive biase, and every time I face it once again, I become frustrated, even when I know this only intensifies the whole thing and acceptance is the only thing that works at this stage

Acceptance is being humble enough to say yes, I am this way and from here, I want to evolve. Acceptance is not resistance, because resistance somehow, increase persistence of what we want to change

Indeed, this journey is about becoming aware of who I am, not about being perfect. Is about being in the moment in this place, and even when I am prone to forget it and to start to judge myself harshly (I´ve been a whole life practicing that), there is always a kind spirit that brings me back to my path... my path of joy